Fairytales boil down to timing and love

Last night I attended a wedding of a friend’s friend. I had no intention going to a wedding, and diffidently was not dressed for this type of event. Wearing yoga pants, chucks, and a trademark scarf I decided what the hell, it might be fun.  When I walked in, the DJ was playing Disney instrumentals, and my friend explained that groom had proposed at Disneyland when the fireworks exploded.  Having been to Disneyland I imagined what a memorable night that must have been for these two.  The groom was an average looking man, and the bride was a petite beautiful woman.  She recently had tried out to be a raiderette for the Oakland raiders sometime last year.  In less than 10 months, her world had turned around.  I was told that sometime this last year, the bride and a lot of her friends had gone out.  She had a crush on a co-worker and he would not pay her any attention.  But shortly after she had met her soon to be husband.  The couple hit it off, and now tonight they were sealing their fate with her finalizing her vows stating you are my lover, my best friend, my soul mate. Seeing how pretty she was I thought, what the hell was wrong with the guy who blew her off?  I just was amazed. Having been married myself, nothing scares me more than the idea of getting married again, and when asked by people if I would get married again, I often say no, but sitting in this wedding made me yearn for that feeling again with someone.

As I watched this woman who looked so beautiful walk down the aisle to her enamored husband, I thought to myself, wow this was a quick relationship.  In my past, I have talked to people for more than a year and nothing arose out of it, and here they are getting married and getting ready to spend the rest of their lives together after a short  10 months.  And let’s say the person you love isn’t close to you.  Well I have met couples who have had long distant relationships going strong after 4 years. What this unfolded to me is that it’s not the circumstance you are in, it simply is the person.  I have always heard one person will always love the other more than one.  But I think when you meet that special person; there is nothing that slows down the process of love. Why would you settle for a love you have to chase, when you could have a love that wants you more and more each day.

One thing I have worked on in the past 2 years of singleism is being patient.  I no longer fret if I don’t hear from someone, as I know if it was truly the time, I would not be waiting, they would be pursuing me. In this holiday season, I think it is important to really look at what matters to you.  There are a lot of us singles out there and really because you haven’t met the one doesn’t mean they are not out there, you simply aren’t ready to pursue something that you really are not ready for. We all want to be loved, feel loved, and have that physical connection with someone; it’s what drives us out of the arms of someone we truly want to be with and into the arms of someone else at times.  If we are not finding what we are looking for in one person, we look elsewhere. This could be because of personality differences, different places in life or simply distance. The important thing to remember is you are not alone. Many of us are still looking for that special person to share our lives with.  All the in-between is just life’s lessons. 

I am thankful for my lessons I have had thus far. I am a better person for them personally and professionally. And after seeing such a beautiful event full of love I can’t wait to share that with someone one day. Until then, I am going to be thankful for all I have right now. My life, my children, and my career. Those are not going anywhere, and they are what I make of it.  I will continue to keep my standards high and leave those behind that leave no benefit to my life. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you’s and yours..

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH...stop the dryer!

My dryer is tumbling and tumbling.  Strength I find, stand tall, and start to move forward comes and goes many times in my life.  I don’t know why I go back or why I feel the need to feel the pain, but something I have learned is it is something that I dealt with when I was very young. It was an unemotional love I grew up with and I never felt secure in my environment. Often I was left to care for myself or my siblings, making me the instant caretaker and has led to my nurturing nature.  Now I know there is nothing wrong with being a nurturer, I think it is important to step back and not exhaust your traits on love on someone who does not want it.  What I mean by does not want it, is they choose to use it to their advantage.  Sometimes by being strong and helpful to others we protect ourselves from the panic that comes at another person’s mercy. We then tend to be with people whom we can help in order to feel safe and in control. Tonight while listening to some music, tears came to my eyes, this has happened in the last two weeks a few times.  It’s that feeling of having no control over a situation.  I quickly swallowed my pain and decided it was not time for this.  I went on about my night, and while driving alone, I was left thinking why is it I am feeling this same pain again.  If you felt it once, why would you do it again?  It hurts the same every time Turaeza. And then it dawned on me, well Turaeza because you allow it.  You allow yourself to repeat this cycle. I am ultimately making that choice.  In the end, no one is doing anything to me that I do not allow.

Why do we go thru these ordeals? Well I think it is human nature to believe someone will change.  They will ultimately be or form into who you want them to be.  For example, while in a nonchalant relationship, I use this term loosely, as there is a great love there in my heart, I tell myself, it is okay for them to do what they want.  Why would I want to control what they are doing? The Old Catholic saying, whatever happens happens as long as I don’t know.  It’s so not ideal…I absolutely know what is going on. I am personally choosing to allow someone to not show me the respect I deserve or need in someone who truly loves me.  I know this.  I guess when you grow up without a loving environment it is where you feel comfortable. It is all I know; therefore tending to settle for it. But the steps I have made, and if you are in this situation you will make yourself is that you are aware of this, and with time, will eventually demand the respect or move on in your life. You see I and we deserve something more than the worst thing we can stand.  While sitting in my car, I began to tear myself apart, what is it I don’t have, is it because I have children, am I not pretty enough, young enough, used and abused…then I quickly realized what the F%$# am I doing. I am all of those things and more. My children are my life, so anyone who can’t handle that can simply step on, I am damn well beautiful enough, that is obvious by attention, I am still young by age in numbers and especially in looks. And there is nothing used or abused about a woman who almost has her Master’s degree, made E8 in 14 years, and is a great leader and friend to many people. The traits GOD gave me not everyone will have. I am so thankful, and I will never doubt those traits, especially for a man.

A great excerpt from a book I am reading goes along and says, There is an old joke about a nearsighted man who lost his keys late at night and is looking for them by the light of a street lamp.  Another person comes along and offers to help him but asks, “Are you sure this where you lost them?” “No, answers the man, but this is where the light is”.  When we are searching for what we are missing in life, not where there was some hope of finding it, but where, because sometimes it is much easier not to look. Even my subconscious sees my constant recycling of pain. I had a dream the other night, and while falling in my dream, I felt like I couldn’t control my fall. I just kept tumbling and tumbling on the ground. Falling deeper and deeper into a flat floor.  The floor is my foundation.  The foundation is there, but the fact that I was falling tells me it is my choice I am making and not anything I am doing wrong.  I see the choice, I know the pain, yet I still continue to allow myself to feel it.

Well honestly, I am not enjoying it anymore.  I have moved on from a lot of pain in my life recently that affected my livelihood, friends, and life.  I am stronger, smarter, and ready for battle.  I feel this way with my heart as well.  I am ready for war. I no longer will surrender.  I will no longer love too much. I will find my happiness within myself, and if someone comes along that enhances myself, well, you know what…He will earn a place in my amazing life.  He will in no way be the deciding factor if I am happy or not. Because inside I am already happy. I see it so clearly, it feels amazing not to feel alone with or without someone. Honestly I think it is more lonely when you are with someone and they make you feel alone.  These people have no place in your life. You have to take the life lessons they showed you and simply keep pushing forward.  They say if you let it fly away, and it comes back it was meant to be, well I think that is horseshit. A true man or woman that doesn’t recognize what is in front of them simply doesn’t deserve you. That is case and point. And I simply don’t believe anything less than that.

If the Ship is Sinking, Look for Your Anchor...

Bottom Lines and Deal Breakers

Have you ever considered what it would take for you to realize what is in front of you and how much you are willing to give to a particular person or subject before you slam your fist on the counter and scream, “This is a deal breaker”.  This can go for a lot of things, our careers, friends, and relationships.  I think each of us has deal breakers categorical in each of these arenas and apply them differently to different situations and or involvement.  Many times we shy away from a deal breaker or bottom line because we: 1) Don’t want to hurt the others person’s feelings. 2) Are fearful of the recourse and therefore live a lie. And 3) Simply are so afraid to try something new or start over it’s easier to deal with the present then actually Be Present and live life happily.  I think many could say ultimately we make excuses because we are scared of those 3 reasons.  We simply don’t have it in us to step into the unknown or ultimately are so comfortable with the current state we don’t want to face an obstacle alone.

Personally, I know I have different Deal Breakers and Bottom Lines between my personal and professional life.  It is much easier for me to see a subject as black or white in my professional issues then in my personal.  I am unsure why as both subjects get my heart thru passion.  I excel in both areas and want to succeed.  If that means I take care of one of my Airmen, or if I take care of someone I care about, their needs and wants and fulfilling those are my goals.  There are rules I live by every day in the Air Force that I know I won’t cross and I wouldn’t allow my Airmen to cross as well.  This ensures our mission is complete and we reach the end state we are seeking.  However, in my personal life, I tend to stretch those limits far.  I have deal breakers and bottom lines and see them oh so clearly when giving advice to friends and such, but when it happens to me, I accept the outcome and many times forgive the situation.  At some point though, you have to wake up and see that forgiveness is not key.  When your Airmen arrive late to work the first time, you discuss the issue.  If it happens a few more times, then there is an evident problem that needs to be identified and rectified immediately to correct this behavior.  This could be counseling or in extreme cases documenting the account.  Now, let’s apply this to a friend and or relationship.  There are other factors involved.  We don’t per say have a manual to follow when it comes to general respect. Therefore, I think we evaluate each occurrence as an individual case and choose to talk thru it maturely or ultimately move on.  It is so true that each person comes into our life for a reason, season, or lifetime.  We make that choice.  When you choose that, you have to evaluate your lifetime and decide when that benefit has run out.

The underlying issue here for me at least is fear of being alone.  I know I can be alone. I just so enjoy having that connection with one person.  Knowing I am the reason I put a smile on their face.  And when at the expiration of the relationship, I feel that I have failed in some way or another.  I don’t like to fail! Now professionally, I do the same thing, I have passion and pride in the Air Force because I know I am doing that.  I am taking care of my Airmen and that I am making someone happy.  It’s almost a child-mother relationship.  They can upset you, but you have no choice.  You don’t get to write them off.  You know that mind games are not appropriate and they have to abide by your rules.  However, as individuals, we don’t come with rules.  Who says, in order to be my friend or lover, you have to do this, this, and this.  If you don’t I’m going to write you up, and then you are still forced to be around me.  That sounds more like a marriage.  There is a good thing to this.  This means we get to pick who benefits us and why.  We don’t have to deal with it if we do not want to.  But when we choose not to deal with it, we know, game over, press this button if you want to play again and many of us, including myself are tired of it.  I think the end goal we are all seeking is really just to be happy.  Find friends and loved ones who motivate, listen, and support you. 

Advice I would like to share that I have gotten from a few people I love or have loved, especially when it comes to me and my style is.  Not everyone deserves your love.  Another was there are people out there that actually look for someone who is a giver and feeds on it, until it becomes too much of a game and finds a new person to suck from.  Additionally, go into a situation knowing that one person will always give more than another, or in some cases one person may love harder than the other.  So, if I won’t tolerate a mediocre performance from my Airmen, why would I accept one from someone I share my deepest thoughts and desires to?  If that is not a deal breaker I don’t know what is.

You have to choose people who inspire you to be the best you can be and never judge you.  I have never felt so judged then I have in the past 4 years by people I respect and or love.  Maybe that comes with age, and maybe that comes with personality changes.  We aren’t in our 20’s anymore and we know we make the decision of who we want to be with.  We don’t have time for games because, really, it’s just not worth our time.  We would rather surround ourselves with people who genuinely care about us.  Non-judgment I believe comes with age. It’s about accepting someone for who they are.  And really…if someone judges you, and pulls away, then they weren’t really there for you in the first place.  We are all entitled to our opinions, depending on your closeness voice our concerns, and ultimately decide if we can support this relationship any longer, but in the same token, if you don’t still feel love throughout another person’s transgressions then you need to admit your season is over.

I charge you and myself to find these bottom lines are or deal breakers.  You deserve to receive what you put into something.  If you excel in your duties, study and test well, you will get promoted.  Why would you do those things if you knew there was no chance at advancement?  Apply this theory to your personal life.  If you put in, give love, and support relationships and you know there is no chance for advancement, why would you keep doing it.  A mentor of mine shared a note with me the other day when I was thinking about the issue of forgiveness.  She said…”When you have asked for forgiveness, don’t lament over it.  Whether they give it or not, it is their bag to carry.  You were genuine in making right the wrong, it is not up to them to receive it.  You must not hold onto hurt.  People and relationships come into your lives for a reason, season, or a time.  Unfortunately, they choose.”

I hope you were able to learn something. Live your life and be present. There is great love for you here.

When you cant talk, Write it out....

First let me apologize for not finishing up my fitness series, but life got in the way. I promise I will complete the series…

 

 Okay now that I got that out, I want to talk about feeling a loss before it occurs.  Sometimes, we create this ideal with a person or a form of life. It’s what we know, what we have created, and what we expect from a certain person.  I know the person I am, I will turn 360 degrees to ensure that the person I care about never doubts it.  You can call it weak, but I call it love. It’s the affirmation that you will be there when you need them. The test of time is realizing and understanding that they may not be there when you need them.  This can be intentional or unintentional.  The problem is, the more unstable or let’s say Non-foundation a relationship is, the more you will interpret small things and make them into a bigger problem.  At this point I would say communication is key.  I know this…You know this…But when that person asks you what is wrong, you don’t want to seem dramatic and often choose to say nothing.  Why is it so damn hard to just say, why are you acting differently?  I think it boils down to your own judgment.  What I mean by this is are they really acting differently or are you more insecure thereby reading into the small details you never noticed before.  This is me.  I tend to read and overthink.  I would say I am a calm woman, have learned never to jump to conclusions, and go with the flow.  But at what point when your  I love you’s are coming more from you and not from them, do you start to read the signs. 

I think a very bad part of human nature is our conscience.  No one ever intends in hurting someone else nor would we want to.  It is just life.  Different ordeals require different support systems and maybe at some point your time as a support system runs out. I think when you notice this trend you have to see it for what it is.  I strongly believe that if someone wants to be a part of your life, they will damn well ensure you are in it.  They will do everything in their power to ensure you are getting what you need to feel wanted.  I’ve never asked for much is a relationship and I think this is a bad thing.  I think you should ask for the world.  Why allow an in limbo relationship? Do you hope the best for something that may never come out, or is it the whole ideal that you could possibly be that small margin that is lucky and pulls threw.

The positive to pull away from this is never change who you are or your expectations.  There is no need to create a dramatic playing field as well.  Simply pull back.  If the other person uses this to their advantage and does not respond, well you know the intentions and the loss will not be as hard to bear.  Sometimes with practice we learn how something will feel, and what it takes to put that feeling away.  Maybe that is what you needed all along to see what was in front of you. Your road is determined and people are placed as road blocks to show you how to find home.  Trust  you will not be led astray.

I…. Workout…. (1 OF 6 WEIGHT LOSS BLOGS)

STEP 1: Getting down to the issues

All right Loves…I have gotten some emails lately on what you can do to keep that weight down or to simply shed some extra loving off.  Many of you that know me now don’t know that I actually have struggled with weight issues my whole life and when I first joined the military I was on the weight management program.  Many reasons for this were my basic composite body type.  It is what worked for my ancestors and passed on down the generations.  It couldn’t have possibly had anything to do with the 64oz Big Gulp of Dr. Pepper I used to drink in high school. The funny thing is I never thought of myself as overweight, I wouldn’t even use the word fat.  I would say I was a bit thick. LOL…Anyways…I tried everything when I joined the Air Force. Starved myself, Diet Pills, Working Out, etc…If we fast forward 15 years now, I can now share 15 years of professional fitness and personal advice to help you get where you need to be.  And guess what! I’m going to give this to you for free.  No personal trainer required. You are going to need a pair of running shoes, a good sports bra, and an open mind.  So let’s begin….

First Step: Self-Evaluation: Why do you want to lose weight?  Now if it is a health answer then I am good with that, because I know you really want to do it for a reason.  We are human, and many of us need a reason to do something.  But if you are trying to get ready for a reunion, or possibly a cruise, I need you to realize, that once you lose a certain amount of weight, unless you make it a lifestyle, you will gain it all back plus 2/3’s more.  I can almost guarantee it.  So think of your weight history and remember a time of where you still ate healthy, were partially physically active, but if you wanted a cheeseburger, you ate it.  This is your normal weight.  I am 5’2…and I would say my comfortable weight without really trying to maintain a healthy life would be about 140 pounds.  I am comfortable there.  At this time I am 125 pounds.  Did you just see that 15 pounds difference from a comfortable weight to a desired weight?  So in saying this set a realistic goal.  My goal could be 115 pounds, and I might be able to get there. But could I honestly eat only white fish and egg whites for the rest of my life? NO…So there is no reason I ever need to be that small. 

Once you have set your desired and realistic weights, I want you to set your goal 5 pounds below your actual weight now.  You have to reach your realistic before you can reach your desired weight. Plus, if you’re overall goal is to lose 30 total pounds.  That’s a big goal.  The average person loses between one to three pounds a week.  So that would take about three to eight months depending on how much weight you lose. Thus, a 5 pound goal is very realistic.  Once you set that goal, pick a small reward for yourself and follow thru and buy it for yourself when you reach it.  This could be a new shirt, a purse, a pair of earrings, a book, anything, and if you are short on money, then maybe a set appointment for a bubble bath, or a desired meal when you reach it.  Here is the catch….You have to maintain the 5 pound weight loss for 48 hours before you can redeem the reward. The reason for this is I want you to put a positive connotation to losing weight but you need to realize what it took to get you there.  I would hate for you to work so hard to lose 5 pounds and not feel the motivation to keep going.  So are you following? 5 pounds at a time….And I don’t care how long it takes for you to lose the 5 pounds, 1 week, 1 month, all I ask is that you keep focused on your goal. You are done when you decide you are happy where you are at.

This is the bottom-line...It’s all about a lifestyle change. You need to dedicate yourself to a positive lifestyle change.  You know I write a lot about self-worth…loving your body, loving yourself.  Well it’s time to love you first.  I need you to charge that this is not a diet.  You are doing this to make you happy! Think positively...CHOOSING TO BE POSITIVE AND HAVING A GRATEFUL ATTITUDE IS GOING TO DETERMINE HOW YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

So over the next 6 weeks, I have charged and dedicate myself to sharing my professional advice to help you.  I am doing this because I love you.  Many of my friends know although I am a personal trainer, I really never enjoyed training people, however, I do love taking care of my friends, and that is what I plan on doing! 

HOMEWORK WEEK 1

I will discuss eating tips and meal plans in our next  weekly blog… So until then…I need you to read this blog, read this blog, and read this blog.  Do some self-evaluating…

How is your self-identity? What is your 3 favorite attributes (Physical)

What is your overall goal?

Why do you think you turn to food? Do you do this when you are happy? When you are sad? Content?

What are your favorite three meals?

Google Clean Eating and read about it

RULES!!!! Starting today…..

No Soda

Limited Diet Drinks, Juice, Alcohol

Drink lots and lots of water…Lets purify that body (Plus your skin is going to look great)

Daily Multi Vitamin

No Added Salt on foods

No Fried Foods

If you plan on participating in this 6 week plan…please message me or simply respond to this post so I can reach out to you.

See you next week in my YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT BLOG…..

Don't Hate the Player...Hate the Game

What an epiphany! When your brain finally takes the lead over your heart.  I wonder why it takes so long for an individual to realize something, and in turn decide to try the same thing over and over again, only to reach the same means to an end and ultimately repeat yourself.  The most important lesson from this is do you change what you do, completely close yourself off, live guarded, or find a way to live smarter?  Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we had a manual to help us understand what we should do; or maybe an activities book?  Do you remember the ones that gave you an option of how you wanted the book to end?  For happily ever after, please turn to page 62, for your chance you meet the Real Prince charming please turn to page 78.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Always knowing that your outcome is what you chose.  Life unfortunately is not written like this, and I reach out to you to not fall into the mouse trap and wish it was.  You see if life was exactly as you wrote it, you would no longer live your life, but your life would live you.  There would be no choice. You would simply do what was laid out before you.  And isn’t that what is so beautiful about life; never really knowing what comes next.
 

The element of suprise....There is a surreal adventure to not knowing.  Think of how simplistic our lives once were.  We now complicate our source, and the crazy thing is that we don’t complicate it necessarily with tangible objects, but we complicate it, thinking about what we could do better, what could have been, or shift the focus on us internally for some sort of blame to why you aren't where you should be at in this time of life. "When is it my time" you scream to yourself.

A common trend I see is when we dont like the outcome we would want, or unable to turn to page 78 for our ultimate destiny, we reach not at what the present is, but look deeper into our insecurities.  As if your insecurities have ever done anything good for you, lol, it is now the one area you reach to. We reach for the pain, instead of the present.  Do we do this so we can really feel? Is it like a negative attention our brain reaches for? Thus, we are not giving our heart or our brain what we really want or truly know, so we turn to page negative 64 to feel something.  I ask these questions, because I recently felt this and have no idea why I went to the negative in this situation.  I knew the outcome; I was okay with it and was ever grateful of my present moment.  I really can say I was happy at either the gain and or the loss in my brain.  I FINALLY WAS IN TOUCH WITH REALITY AND SPOKE THE SERMON.  So why when the actual moment presented itself, I romanticized the idea and let my heart feel more of a loss then my brain accepted.  As my brain knew I wasn’t losing anything.  I had gained a great deal.  I knew and felt love. I felt a confidence I hadn’t felt in long time. I felt empowered. And the epiphany over many lessons I had learned over the past year, had finally fell into place.

So why do we choose hurt instead of happiness?  We don’t!  It’s not a conscious decision.  We choose happiness over hurt; knowing that hurt is inevitably on the horizon.  Once it is time to hurt, we lose sight of why we chose to endure this pain.  We forgot that we knew the situation would change dramatically…literally, overnight.  New friends and new love would be thousands of miles away, forcing distance between you and your source of happiness.  We choose to disregard this harsh reality, or at least set it aside while we pursue happiness. As Shakespeare said; “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”.  Many times, the game isn’t fair and the loss is seemingly inevitable due to circumstance.  Yet we still choose to play.  So what are we upset about?  That the game isn’t fair?  Or that we knew the game wasn’t fair, but still chose to play?

So in the end, enjoy the present, and know…that what you felt was real. You gave love and were loved.  Enjoy those simple pleasures of life.  God sending you an angel to remind you of something you have missed something you were searching for.These are tiny messages needed to understand and enhance you. Its all about the experience, or the game per say.  And what I finally realized when I turned to the hurt, got over it, and smiled at the thought of him.  I realized that I hadn't lost the game at all, we simply had ran out of time. And I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to play.
 

Is your Past drifting INTO your FUTURE?!?!

I felt compelled today to discuss how much you are willing to let someone run your mind.  What I mean by this, is at what point you move forward on your own and let go of your past.  We all have painful and merry experiences which have placed us where we are at this point in our lives, however, sometimes we continue to relive the pain.  I honestly believe this time will be different. That we are smarter now and we wouldn’t let the person who had hurt us in the past do it again.  I think we do this because we ultimately want to treat others the way we would like to be treated ourselves.  I choose not to be angry at someone who has hurt me.  I have learned that I would rather let go of the circumstances, and move forward. I always give someone a fresh start. I choose not to judge and think the best in everyone.  Some individuals may mistake this for a weakness, however, I know it is not something I should change, but instead, this characteristic is something I should embrace.  So many of us don’t know how to let go and we would rather fill our lives with drama then simply be happy.  I don’t think there is a solution to this, except at some point I think you have to give up on that person.  If you were built to love like I am, there is nothing that will change who you are.  You will always love the way you know how.  Kindness begets love and respect.  The right person will love this about you, and the wrong person will miss this amazing characteristic. I believe it’s important to follow your path, and if someone does not show you the same respect you show to them, then you need to think more with your mind and less with your heart.  In no way am I saying play games, but show them what it feels like to be left out. It is equally and even more important for you to realize that not everyone deserves to feel your love.  A true and honest friend or lover will earn that and reciprocate your actions.  You should never feel weak or taken advantage of when you do something special for someone.  I say this because I have felt it. Buying a card only to wonder to yourself, is this a little too much.  Texting a message and your heart dropping after you send it because it took 20 minutes – to hours for the person to reply.  What is the learning curve here?  Thru my experience, I have learned that you should often have the benefit of the doubt in the beginning.  Try not to set expectations, and enjoy what you have in front of you.  I used to let someone new in my life become the center of my attention.  This is no longer the case.  My mind no longer dwells, but instead I have learned to separate what and who is important.  I miss them, but not the way I used to.  I have finally accepted that because I enjoy someone at a certain point in my life, they were there to show me what I truly want in the next.  So if you are sitting at home on this lovely weekend and the past has encapsulated your mind, remind yourself that you pay for what you get.  If you spent $250 on this amazing dress you wanted and by the end of the night the seams were ripping, would you buy that brand again? No I think not. So what are you going to “pay” with your self worth, for someone who does not deserve your time? The dress will not get any better and neither will this person who hurt you.  Keep your eyes forward, and You Choose to not look behind.  There is a reason this person was in your life, and sometimes you need to accept, that their time is over. Keep your head up; there is great love for you here.

Have I Simply been Searching for Security?

When you quit trying to please, you realize the benefits of knowing now in your thirties what you didn’t in your twenties, looking at yourself and knowing your life is full without the presence of another person, surrounding yourself with positive interactions and distancing yourself from the negative, appreciating your true beauty regardless of what others think of you, and understanding that what others think of you or expect of you does not determine who you are, what you will be, or what lies in your future.  Only what you think of yourself will determine this.  Now, being a people pleaser most of my life, I really have to think on this one. Why do I do the things I do and why does it hurt me so when I disappoint those whose opinions really matter to me?  And honestly, people I don’t even care about still hurt me if I think they think negatively of me.  There are a few reasons for this.

One I am a genuine person.  I know my actions are true and I do the things I do because it makes me feel good to do them. Now over the years of not getting back from people, I have drawn back on what and how much I give.  I am more honest, and try not to avoid what I feel or confronting those feelings.  At the same time, I also avoid drama.  I could count on one hand of people that have truly given as much as I have towards a friendship.  This isn’t a fail on my other friends though, it all boils down to how you are brought up.  Which leads me to my next point and or question? What is it that makes someone a people pleasing person? What are you truly seeking when you love making people happy?  Ultimately, my goal is to not associate a negative connotation to making those you care about happy, but I think there is a vast difference in people who do just to do, and people who do to please.

I heard a saying today that made me think…It went…”You only please because you want people to love you”.  Wow…that made me think.  Is there something that I am lacking that I have been trying to make up for all these years?  I was raised in an unconventional environment.  Spent a lot of time at bars from the time I was 7-12 years old.  I remember sitting after school and waiting, eating Red Barron pizza and Shirley Temples.  My favorite songs on the juke box were Happy Birthday and Mamma Don’t Let your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys.  I think during this time in my life I struggled for a secure home front.  I would walk 5 miles down a mountain by myself to attend summer school at church, hitchhike rides back up the mountain home.  I remember brushing my hair with a fork when I could not find a brush, and I thank my Dad’s side for great teeth, because honestly I don’t remember brushing them at all.  The struggles we face make us who we are, I can attest to that.  And even though I struggled young I have succeeded older.  But that doesn’t clean the skeletons in your closets.  What you missed out on and you are trying to find when you are an adult. 

So in pleasing and loving the only way I knew how is to give more to people then I would get back.  I gave my childhood for the happiness of others.  I grew up way before my time, and it is all that I know. Give to Others. For me personally, I don’t think it has to do with me not feeling loved, as I know my mother loved me, but I think I have been searching for security.  And often I would please to create a secure structured environment.  If that is a relationship, I was trying to establish a foundation to grow on, if that was work; I was trying to create continuity for others to have.  Security is all I have wanted and I have continued to work for.  I believe I truly associate Love with Security. Thus, I don’t know if I please to feel love, or more or less to create a solid foundation of something I envision to be “structured” in my eyes. 

We are all individuals and our upbringings are the foundation of our personalities.  I would suggest instead of asking what is wrong, you continue to pursue what you have done.  They say Practice makes Perfect, But I believe you shouldn’t strive for Perfection; You should Simply Strive for Progress.

The FIVE P’s of life...Purpose, Positivity & Pain, Pleasure, and lastly Pleasing

What drives you to make you who you are? The five P’s I have mentioned are my personal agenda.  I’m sure they have something to do with the way I was raised and what has ultimately made me who I am today.  You might have your own set of P’s or maybe A’s or maybe even Z’s.  Whatever words it boils down to, understanding you is all it takes for you to Be Present in Life and to learn to move on. Evaluating and understanding why you act a certain way is what path needs to be taken to keep trekking.  Let’s evaluate my five P’s and see if you can learn from mine.

PURPOSE: We all have a purpose here on this earth.  Each interaction we have with one person is also not a coincidence.  We are placed in these circumstances to take lives lesson and learn from them.  Our purpose is what we decide it is to be.  You can accept the fact you were raised in a drug invested environment on welfare and say to yourself “I have no chance of succeeding in life, this is all I know”.  Or you can grab LIFE by the tail and say, “NO! This is my life, my chance, to make something of myself!”  You may succeed and fail many times over during this quest, but ultimately it is up to you when you stop trying.  Trust in LIFE and your path, and that you would never be challenged with a situation that God didn’t think you could handle.  It may be something that crushes you, but if you learned from it, maybe that is what you needed to handle at that moment to put you in your next position of life.  Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness.  It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

POSITIVITY & PAIN: This is something we have all experienced.  Life isn’t life without some sort of pain.  It is one of the most disheartening feelings that our brain registers.  And when you can feel these brain waves down to your heart, then you know it is real.  There are many sources of pain.  Physical, Emotional, Spiritual, and Therapeutic; in my experience of course… and the funny thing is…one of the other types of pain can often help you counter balance the feelings you feel towards a particular subject.  Pain, although hurts, often fades over time and you are able to move on with a new purpose.  The important thing to remember is pain is only temporary and soon you will find something that will allow you to move on and forget what caused the pain in the first place.  Being Present and Positive is the best way to contradict the pain you are feeling. Being positive doesn’t mean you kid yourself that all things are great when you know they aren’t, it simply means to stay focused on the positive and keep creating you’re life the way you see it in your dreams.  I’d like to share some great words with you by a Dr. Peale:  “The person with the Positive Mental Attitude transforms stress into grace and picks the path to a successful outcome while others get lost in the forest of obstacles and pitfalls.  This is the real Power of Positive Thinking, the power to make the most out of every situation and to take action while others stand still explaining why it can’t be done.”

PLEASURE: Defining what is good or bad often is determined in your current environment.  It is what you or your surroundings establish to be moral or your personal virtues.  So if you know that something is wrong in a sense, why do you continue to pursue it?  In ancient Greek times they called this Akrasia.  This is when an individual decides that a certain course of action would be best for him and then acts against his own judgment.  I think pleasure is a derivative of desire and sometimes your desire for a particular goal or even a person is more powerful and can lead us against our better judgment.  I have been in this position over my lifetime, and ultimately I know that this is something that comes along with a passionate strong person.  You see, when you are strong you will go for what you want, what you see as your goal.  You don’t take into account the liabilities of a situation, because you allowed yourself to have tunnel vision.  You can’t change what you are passionate about but you can know that you act in this sense and put that flag up when you see a situation that may not be beneficial.  Know that not every goal is worth pursuing and act accordingly within your virtues.  However, I like to view pleasure as something that is Positive. I have heard in passing, when something is no longer fun, quit doing it.  So therefore, when you find no pleasure in what you do, I challenge you to find things that do give you pleasure.  The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you.  If you do that, you’re in control of your life.  If you don’t, life controls you.

PLEASING: I am naturally a people pleasing person.  I love making people happy and smile.  Don’t get me wrong, I won’t do things that I don’t want to do because someone wants me to do it. I know the difference between being used and being appreciated.  But I don’t hold back when I know that I am the reason a person is smiling.  This surrounds me, personally and professionally.  I love giving back.  I think it has to do a lot with being raised with nothing really.  I give not because I can, but because I know what it’s like to have nothing.  I am a great leader, because I know what it’s like not to have a mentor.  I am a great friend, because I have lost many over the years.  I am a great partner, because I feel there is someone who will make you smile uncontrollably and you shouldn’t let them go.  I am a great Airman, because I embrace individuality and diversity and know that these are the strengths our Air Force needs to move forward.  Any business owner knows that with time and generational changes, the times for change need to change as well.  If you take care of your people, your people will take care of you. Remember change is the way of life.  Those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

Open your eyes, look within…Are you satisfied with the life you are living? 

Be Royal in your Own Fashion: Act like a Queen to be treated like One

Are you letting go of the past to move into the future.  What does this take? For many people, they rely on someone else to help them cross this stage in their life.  Loneliness and insecurity are major reasons for this, but many times in the end, they end up alone.  The person they wanted to help them thru the process often makes false promises and is not there for you or what you thought would happen.  This is why I encourage folks to really make a decision on their own, really know what you want to do and do it.  I say this from experience.  You see when I was in my early 20’s I met a man who I thought walked the earth.  Many of the things I loved about him were his drive, strength, and his solitude of home life.  He was the father of two young girls and loved them very much.  I don’t know if the attraction to him was fatherly, because I never grew up with a Dad or if we really ever had anything in common.  My point is he became an unknown to me.  This ultimately lingered in the back of my mind during future relationships and ruined all of them.  I let this man, who could never be mine, rule my heart for over 12 years.  When I went thru my divorce, I was able to finally let him go.  He wasn’t there for me in the end and that was a shocking realization, as he was my “What might have been”. 

We all want a fairy tale ending, but sometimes it takes self reflection to know that you are the storyteller of your own tale.  This takes time and much heartbreak to understand this.  When I hit the dating field again, I dated all types of guys.  Younger, older, spoiled, players, un-employed, and broken.  What I didn’t realize at that time was I was writing my story as I always knew it before.  I accepted the bad before the good and dealt with a lot of Bullsh*T.  I should have walked away at the first signs but I didn’t know how.  You see when the environment you are raised in develops a portion of your personality.  Therefore, you let love the way you learned love.  If you are raised in an unloving, unstable, abusive, emotionally unavailable, jeeez I could go on forever, type of love, then you will stay on that “Rat Wheel” and keep spinning, until you realize it is time to GET THE HELL OFF.

*Note: Remember you write your own tale.

Self evaluation is now imperative.  Don’t think because you gained the strength to walk away from one partner you have the strength to do it every time.  Yes, lessons are learned but ultimately you have to re-evaluate each new person you choose to share a part of your life with.  Love is like an addiction, much like a drug.  Even though you don’t like how it may make you feel, you will tend to make the same choices over and over again. Why is this? The answer is simple…Humans are creatures of habit.  Aristotle said it best, “People like to feel a sense of security and one should try to establish simple mechanisms to accomplish the desired actions in your efforts. Keep things consistent and universal. This is especially helpful with return visitors. By establishing simple routes along the journey to your call-to-action you increase the likelihood of visitors engaging in activities from a habitual response to familiar territory. Okay maybe that definition isn’t simple at all.  But the point is we tend to follow was we know is familiar.

So as I grow in Love, I set my standards higher, knowing I am writing my own future, at some point I realize, I am still doing the same thing I have always done.  I even created another “What might have been” with another man this past year.  Except now this time, he has the choice to be with me.  The ULTIMATE issue of not being with either is both “What Might of Beens” I have created all boil down to timing.  The habit is reoccurring because I had allowed it.  We tend to make excuses of why this one is different and we tell ourselves this is our destiny.  Do you really think we were created to not live an ultimately happy life?  Do you have faith in the source to believe in timing?  What I have learned from my “What Might of Beens” is this.  They were put in my life for a reason, and maybe they are not a part of my destiny but a mere step to Happiness.  This does not mean I don’t love them any less as they are a part of my Past. And I am thankful, because they showed me that if someone wants to be a part of my life they will make the time.  It is one more lesson to put in my pocket.  I don’t doubt they loved me as well, but I am not part of their destiny at this time, and I wouldn’t recommend thinking about what the future holds.  The only time you should focus on later down the road, is if you are a main player in their life right now.  Sometimes being in someone’s life means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and a time to allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And at the time, if you feel it is awarded, a time to assist picking up the pieces when it's all over.

You alone determine your destiny.  If you are not doing this, then you are simply allowing yourself to be an Option in life.  And in my experience, my options always come in relationships.  I fail to recognize my strength for a little time. But I always end up finding it.  And for each experience, that person is in my life for shorter and shorter amounts of times.  Until I ultimately CUT them out.  We are too amazing to ever be an option to someone, because we might be the One to another.  The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated.  One of my favorite quotes is “Treat me like a queen and I’ll treat you like a king; treat me like a game and I’ll show you how it’s played.” I have officially taken my heart off my sleeve, if I’m talking to someone now; they show me the attention I desire.  And in the end, if they don’t, well they aren’t a part of my life.  In the long run, how you allow people to treat you is what determines if they respect or disrespect you.  For a Queen respects herself and inspires the same sentiment in others.  By acting confident of your powers, you are truly wearing a crown.

As one person I cannot change the world, but I can change the world of one person..Myself

In commemoration of women’s equality day, which was my yesterday by the way, but I was too busy, deployed thousands of miles away from my two children that I raise in an independent household, working on my Master’s degree homework, facilitating my overall success, to truly appreciate where we were to where we are now.  In the past 100 years or so, women have not only proved we can do it on our own, but more than often want to do it on our own.  We no longer rely on our partners to bring home the bacon, and provide for our families.  To me this is a sad realization.  Call me old fashioned, but the ability to know that I could depend on someone is something I have never experienced, and I look forward to the day that a Man gives me this.  My dependency is not what every woman would want, and can be defined in much different roles.  I am handful, so staying home for me is not an option.  But my partner would understand this and give me that balance I long for. Now don’t get me wrong, I am very appreciative that I have a voice, and I have the opportunity for success, and in a perfect world Women are “equal” when compared to a man.  As I walk around downtown here and see women completely covered head to toe out of respect to their husband and religion, I am so thankful I was born in Palo Alto California. Many women before us endured pain and suffering to get where we are now.  Think…Just 80 years ago a woman could not vote, could not get a divorce without being castrated from society, and could not even think to raise to the position a man would in his lifetime.

The ceiling has officially been cracked, yet, what many don’t see, or possibly don’t care to see, is it still looms over us.  That doesn’t slow us down, nor should it. Oh No, but it does bring a bias that a man does not experience, nor never will understand.  I state these reasons, so if it ever crosses your mind, you can check yourself and carefully evaluate that a successful PERSON, did it on their own and not because of their looks or who they know and their Gender. It is 2012, and a woman has to work her tail off to get the same respect that a man can get and you will always be judged because that is society.  If you are strong and opinionated, you are chasing an award, a rank, a position, or merely kissing your way to the top.  This is so absurd.  When a man does this he is merely great at what he does.  However my leadership style does not focus on the problem.  LETS BRING ON THE SOLUTION…You need to know you…If you know what you do is truly genuine, then it doesn’t matter what someone thinks of you. Continue to do you…Because in the end, you will reap the benefits when it is time. 

So when evaluating the SOLUTION and not the PROBLEM, the first thing we must do is not allow ourselves to think that EVERYONE thinks that our successes are because we are a woman.  Take out your looks, take out what you have done, and take out what people think about you.  You are successful because what you put forth in today’s Market, Air Force, and your home life.  Success can be defined differently, and we are all successful in one way or another.  If you are a stay at home mom, you are successful, if you are married and you and your partner care for your family you are successful.  If you are single and working your tail off you are successful. Don’t let another person’s perceptions of your lifestyle choice define your success. Only how you view yourself is what matters.

Ultimately, my last pieces of advice for you are Be Yourself and know your self-worth.  When you decide to put yourself out there, you will experience judgment, but what you need to be secure with is how you are putting yourself out there, and how does it benefit you or the others around you. We are all uniquely beautiful and this will be noticed.  Sometimes, it’s your outer appearance, sometimes it’s what is on the inside. But no matter what, someone appreciates it.  Don’t let it be your crutch.  Don’t pull back because you are afraid that someone is judging you for it. You will always be judged.  I leave you with these thoughts…Remember never let anyone make you feel less and low because no one has the right to do so.  People will always point out your faults, and hesitate to point out your attributes. You were born to be real, not to be perfect. You're here to be you, not to be what someone else wants you to be. Stand up for yourself, look them in the eye, and say Don't judge me until you know me, don't underestimate me until you've challenged me, and don't talk about me until you've talked to me. And lastly…Be Yourself, everyone else is taken

Gotta have F8th, da F8th, da F8tha!

 

Once upon a time, a beautiful woman learned what its like to have F8th...

“I am a victim of my own optimism”…Have I felt this...Yes..This is a deep realization once you feel the words and apply this to your life and your choices.  I have made some drastic changes in my life in order to see things more clearly, and I have to say this is the first time I actually feel AMAZING being me.  I seek no confirmation from anyone to make me feel whole, and I think the best part of what I have learned is that it is a privilege to be in my life, as I am a great friend, partner, and lover to those I love. The trip to happiness has not been an easy one at all. And I think it is amazing that I now meet people and see myself in them.  I feed them the same advice friends have fed me, but I know they won’t change until they are ready.  As we are creatures of habit, it takes being knocked down or hurt to learn and move forward.  Sometimes, we will go right back to it, and other times we will be strong enough to walk away, and ultimately we learn that all it takes is to have a little F8th. Simple steps to self worth but we all must walk before we can run.

Forgive First! There is no sense holding onto something that makes you feel bad. You either need to be strong enough to walk away from this person or you need to forgive them and move on. All holding onto something does is makes you think about it more, this will often change your attitude, and you will be hurt for longer periods.

Be Honest! If someone hurts you, tells them. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind.  Only those that don’t really deserve you will walk away when you tell them your feelings. I am very honest now, with what I want in life, what I think about things, and how I feel if something happens to me.  I have learned that when we are not honest, that is when we tend to let things build and get angry.

Don’t Assume! When you don’t make an assumption about something, you do not have to worry about the top two items. Instead of being honest and asking and then getting upset and forgiving, we tend to avoid the conflict assume our own idea of the situation. Don’t read into things….Be still! When you don’t know what to do, just be!

Don’t Expect! To not expect an outcome, I think you need grab life as you have it now and LIVE. I don’t know why we tend to look so far into our future.  I once was terrible at this and this caused me to fall in love fast and set unrealistic expectations for my partners.  I could see their unlimited potential and wanted to be able to enhance their drive.  What we don’t realize is it has to be your Journey and no one else’s.  You see when you see someone’s unlimited potential you are setting a mark for them to reach and or not reach.  You are not allowing them or yourself to be present, because ultimately if they don’t meet it, they failed, and you now are focusing on the negative attributes of life.

Be Present! What does it take to take a deep breath and simply live in the moment. Why do we feel we need an answer to everything? There is something very serene to not having answers. I often feel numb. It’s not that I don’t have feelings nor that I don’t have a heart. Oh my..my friends can attest I am one of the most emotional people around. BUT…you need to take your heart off your sleeve and lock it in your chest where it belongs. When the person who deserves to get it comes into your life, they will have the strength and dedication to unlock it and simply love you for you. Life is too short to be caught up in nonsense, so try to not waste your time in the past or future. If you tend to take your travels in the time machine, you are missing the wonderful present!

Be Positive! Thinking positive thoughts helps you gauge what is important in your life, and you will always walk around with a smile. Why tear yourself apart when you really don’t have all the answers, and if you really want the answers then ask. The power of positive thinking reminds the ego how wonderful you truly are. Positivity radiates and keeps your mind in a state of balance. Learn to shift your thoughts and find the lesson when things occur in your life.  Inventory your memories, and don’t compare yourself to anyone. 

Lastly, BE YOU! We are born unique, yet we try to blend into our culture, careers, or what others think or want of us.  There is nothing wrong with this, as long you don’t lose yourself in the process.  Do what you want to do, if you don’t like your job, quit and find one you love.  If you are unhappy in a relationship, leave and find someone who deserves you.  If you are unhappy with your looks, do something about it.  No matter what we are all perfectly imperfect!

Remember IT’s YOUR JOURNEY…For everything in this journey of life we are on, there is a yen and a yang: for the yen of love there is anger; for the yang of destiny there is fear; for the yen of pain there is healing; for the yang of hurt there is forgiveness; for the yen of pride there is humility; for the yang of giving there is taking; for the yen of tears there is joy; for the yang of rejection there is acceptance; for the yen of judgment there is grace; for the yang of honor there is shame; for the yen of letting go there is the yang  of keeping. Have F8th for your Journey is yours and no one elses...

Unconditional Love does not Measure...It just Gives!

Unconditional Love…a form of love I didn’t think existed except between you and your children.  The day I had my children, although I had no clue on how to be a Mom, the moment they were born, I had an undying love for them.  I knew I would give my life for them if it ever came.  Waking up in the middle of the night, getting peed on, and tantrums never changed how I felt for them.  It makes me wonder that if you can feel this for your child, why you can’t feel this for your partner.  How many people out there believe in love at first sight? Or how many couples truly put their relationship first once you have children.  I think a big problem when people get married is they don’t know how to balance all the hats they are forced to wear.  When I had my children, I was a wife, a new mother, an Airman, a supervisor, a friend, a sister, and a daughter.  I was forced to wear all these hats with little experience, and it seemed that they just kept adding up.  Until…in the end you ultimately forget who you really are.  You forget the biggest hat to wear and that is yourself.  Finding yourself is a task.  I have learned you can’t just erase one of these many hats and TADAAA you are back! Nope, you are even more lost, because what you have identified with for so long is no longer there, and like a puzzle it takes time to put yourself back together again.

During this period of finding yourself, you will experience many emotions.  Not sure how to handle the new people in your life.  Learning that not everyone will give you what you are used to getting from a real relationship. And ultimately, judging how much you are willing to give on your behalf again without repeating the vicious cycle you were in.  But once you get there, to a point where you find your happiness again, know what you want, and are willing to get it. Do you believe that you can experience unconditional love for your partner? And what is it you want from them? Do you want a best friend? Are you looking for a provider? Do you want someone who enhances yourself and lets you be you? Do you have the same interests? Can you talk about anything? Will they let you cry when you need to cry, and sit and not judge you? The reason I ask these questions is because every day we all share picture images on FACEBOOK about what we want or what we haven’t been given and many quotes are based off these questions. But my question to you today is Do you believe you are entitled to unconditional love? Because if you don’t believe then you will never find it.

I didn’t used to believe in unconditional love with a partner.  I felt that that was a love that had to be nurtured, groomed, changes over time, and eventually, might fade away.  And it’s not so much that I believe in it now, but my view on it has changed.  When I find that person to love unconditionally, I know now that it’s not what they do that makes me love them less, however it is what I am looking for.  If I sit and concentrate on the negative things, ultimately that is what I will get in the end......An unloving relationship. 

I have the power to adjust my vision and ultimately my future.  You create your own reality.  In the beginning, relationships are normally very good, because we are focused on the good and what we want to see.  But over time, we begin to notice things we do not want, and in turn are given this.  When we believe we can’t have everything in a relationship, we tend to settle for a relationship where we are not getting everything we want.  Sometimes until you become part of a relationship you do not want, you are not really clear about what you really do like.  Thus people choose not to believe they can have everything they want.  So we tend to put up with stuff we really do not want.  However, in this, you attract relationships that satisfy some of your wants, but not others.  And later in the relationship you discover that those minor qualities were very important, and the lack of having them satisfied leaves you feeling empty. 

Unconditional love can be achieved if you believe.  Choose not to see the negative emotion, because if that is your focus, that is what you shall receive.  It is not your partner’s fault that you are seeing what is negative emotions. It takes you paying attention to what you are wanting. Appreciate SELF! Be selfish!  Is the word “self” not within the word selfish?  Allow yourself to feel positive emotions and you shall feel unconditional love. There is great love for you here.