If the Ship is Sinking, Look for Your Anchor...

Bottom Lines and Deal Breakers

Have you ever considered what it would take for you to realize what is in front of you and how much you are willing to give to a particular person or subject before you slam your fist on the counter and scream, “This is a deal breaker”.  This can go for a lot of things, our careers, friends, and relationships.  I think each of us has deal breakers categorical in each of these arenas and apply them differently to different situations and or involvement.  Many times we shy away from a deal breaker or bottom line because we: 1) Don’t want to hurt the others person’s feelings. 2) Are fearful of the recourse and therefore live a lie. And 3) Simply are so afraid to try something new or start over it’s easier to deal with the present then actually Be Present and live life happily.  I think many could say ultimately we make excuses because we are scared of those 3 reasons.  We simply don’t have it in us to step into the unknown or ultimately are so comfortable with the current state we don’t want to face an obstacle alone.

Personally, I know I have different Deal Breakers and Bottom Lines between my personal and professional life.  It is much easier for me to see a subject as black or white in my professional issues then in my personal.  I am unsure why as both subjects get my heart thru passion.  I excel in both areas and want to succeed.  If that means I take care of one of my Airmen, or if I take care of someone I care about, their needs and wants and fulfilling those are my goals.  There are rules I live by every day in the Air Force that I know I won’t cross and I wouldn’t allow my Airmen to cross as well.  This ensures our mission is complete and we reach the end state we are seeking.  However, in my personal life, I tend to stretch those limits far.  I have deal breakers and bottom lines and see them oh so clearly when giving advice to friends and such, but when it happens to me, I accept the outcome and many times forgive the situation.  At some point though, you have to wake up and see that forgiveness is not key.  When your Airmen arrive late to work the first time, you discuss the issue.  If it happens a few more times, then there is an evident problem that needs to be identified and rectified immediately to correct this behavior.  This could be counseling or in extreme cases documenting the account.  Now, let’s apply this to a friend and or relationship.  There are other factors involved.  We don’t per say have a manual to follow when it comes to general respect. Therefore, I think we evaluate each occurrence as an individual case and choose to talk thru it maturely or ultimately move on.  It is so true that each person comes into our life for a reason, season, or lifetime.  We make that choice.  When you choose that, you have to evaluate your lifetime and decide when that benefit has run out.

The underlying issue here for me at least is fear of being alone.  I know I can be alone. I just so enjoy having that connection with one person.  Knowing I am the reason I put a smile on their face.  And when at the expiration of the relationship, I feel that I have failed in some way or another.  I don’t like to fail! Now professionally, I do the same thing, I have passion and pride in the Air Force because I know I am doing that.  I am taking care of my Airmen and that I am making someone happy.  It’s almost a child-mother relationship.  They can upset you, but you have no choice.  You don’t get to write them off.  You know that mind games are not appropriate and they have to abide by your rules.  However, as individuals, we don’t come with rules.  Who says, in order to be my friend or lover, you have to do this, this, and this.  If you don’t I’m going to write you up, and then you are still forced to be around me.  That sounds more like a marriage.  There is a good thing to this.  This means we get to pick who benefits us and why.  We don’t have to deal with it if we do not want to.  But when we choose not to deal with it, we know, game over, press this button if you want to play again and many of us, including myself are tired of it.  I think the end goal we are all seeking is really just to be happy.  Find friends and loved ones who motivate, listen, and support you. 

Advice I would like to share that I have gotten from a few people I love or have loved, especially when it comes to me and my style is.  Not everyone deserves your love.  Another was there are people out there that actually look for someone who is a giver and feeds on it, until it becomes too much of a game and finds a new person to suck from.  Additionally, go into a situation knowing that one person will always give more than another, or in some cases one person may love harder than the other.  So, if I won’t tolerate a mediocre performance from my Airmen, why would I accept one from someone I share my deepest thoughts and desires to?  If that is not a deal breaker I don’t know what is.

You have to choose people who inspire you to be the best you can be and never judge you.  I have never felt so judged then I have in the past 4 years by people I respect and or love.  Maybe that comes with age, and maybe that comes with personality changes.  We aren’t in our 20’s anymore and we know we make the decision of who we want to be with.  We don’t have time for games because, really, it’s just not worth our time.  We would rather surround ourselves with people who genuinely care about us.  Non-judgment I believe comes with age. It’s about accepting someone for who they are.  And really…if someone judges you, and pulls away, then they weren’t really there for you in the first place.  We are all entitled to our opinions, depending on your closeness voice our concerns, and ultimately decide if we can support this relationship any longer, but in the same token, if you don’t still feel love throughout another person’s transgressions then you need to admit your season is over.

I charge you and myself to find these bottom lines are or deal breakers.  You deserve to receive what you put into something.  If you excel in your duties, study and test well, you will get promoted.  Why would you do those things if you knew there was no chance at advancement?  Apply this theory to your personal life.  If you put in, give love, and support relationships and you know there is no chance for advancement, why would you keep doing it.  A mentor of mine shared a note with me the other day when I was thinking about the issue of forgiveness.  She said…”When you have asked for forgiveness, don’t lament over it.  Whether they give it or not, it is their bag to carry.  You were genuine in making right the wrong, it is not up to them to receive it.  You must not hold onto hurt.  People and relationships come into your lives for a reason, season, or a time.  Unfortunately, they choose.”

I hope you were able to learn something. Live your life and be present. There is great love for you here.

When you cant talk, Write it out....

First let me apologize for not finishing up my fitness series, but life got in the way. I promise I will complete the series…

 

 Okay now that I got that out, I want to talk about feeling a loss before it occurs.  Sometimes, we create this ideal with a person or a form of life. It’s what we know, what we have created, and what we expect from a certain person.  I know the person I am, I will turn 360 degrees to ensure that the person I care about never doubts it.  You can call it weak, but I call it love. It’s the affirmation that you will be there when you need them. The test of time is realizing and understanding that they may not be there when you need them.  This can be intentional or unintentional.  The problem is, the more unstable or let’s say Non-foundation a relationship is, the more you will interpret small things and make them into a bigger problem.  At this point I would say communication is key.  I know this…You know this…But when that person asks you what is wrong, you don’t want to seem dramatic and often choose to say nothing.  Why is it so damn hard to just say, why are you acting differently?  I think it boils down to your own judgment.  What I mean by this is are they really acting differently or are you more insecure thereby reading into the small details you never noticed before.  This is me.  I tend to read and overthink.  I would say I am a calm woman, have learned never to jump to conclusions, and go with the flow.  But at what point when your  I love you’s are coming more from you and not from them, do you start to read the signs. 

I think a very bad part of human nature is our conscience.  No one ever intends in hurting someone else nor would we want to.  It is just life.  Different ordeals require different support systems and maybe at some point your time as a support system runs out. I think when you notice this trend you have to see it for what it is.  I strongly believe that if someone wants to be a part of your life, they will damn well ensure you are in it.  They will do everything in their power to ensure you are getting what you need to feel wanted.  I’ve never asked for much is a relationship and I think this is a bad thing.  I think you should ask for the world.  Why allow an in limbo relationship? Do you hope the best for something that may never come out, or is it the whole ideal that you could possibly be that small margin that is lucky and pulls threw.

The positive to pull away from this is never change who you are or your expectations.  There is no need to create a dramatic playing field as well.  Simply pull back.  If the other person uses this to their advantage and does not respond, well you know the intentions and the loss will not be as hard to bear.  Sometimes with practice we learn how something will feel, and what it takes to put that feeling away.  Maybe that is what you needed all along to see what was in front of you. Your road is determined and people are placed as road blocks to show you how to find home.  Trust  you will not be led astray.