LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH...stop the dryer!

My dryer is tumbling and tumbling.  Strength I find, stand tall, and start to move forward comes and goes many times in my life.  I don’t know why I go back or why I feel the need to feel the pain, but something I have learned is it is something that I dealt with when I was very young. It was an unemotional love I grew up with and I never felt secure in my environment. Often I was left to care for myself or my siblings, making me the instant caretaker and has led to my nurturing nature.  Now I know there is nothing wrong with being a nurturer, I think it is important to step back and not exhaust your traits on love on someone who does not want it.  What I mean by does not want it, is they choose to use it to their advantage.  Sometimes by being strong and helpful to others we protect ourselves from the panic that comes at another person’s mercy. We then tend to be with people whom we can help in order to feel safe and in control. Tonight while listening to some music, tears came to my eyes, this has happened in the last two weeks a few times.  It’s that feeling of having no control over a situation.  I quickly swallowed my pain and decided it was not time for this.  I went on about my night, and while driving alone, I was left thinking why is it I am feeling this same pain again.  If you felt it once, why would you do it again?  It hurts the same every time Turaeza. And then it dawned on me, well Turaeza because you allow it.  You allow yourself to repeat this cycle. I am ultimately making that choice.  In the end, no one is doing anything to me that I do not allow.

Why do we go thru these ordeals? Well I think it is human nature to believe someone will change.  They will ultimately be or form into who you want them to be.  For example, while in a nonchalant relationship, I use this term loosely, as there is a great love there in my heart, I tell myself, it is okay for them to do what they want.  Why would I want to control what they are doing? The Old Catholic saying, whatever happens happens as long as I don’t know.  It’s so not ideal…I absolutely know what is going on. I am personally choosing to allow someone to not show me the respect I deserve or need in someone who truly loves me.  I know this.  I guess when you grow up without a loving environment it is where you feel comfortable. It is all I know; therefore tending to settle for it. But the steps I have made, and if you are in this situation you will make yourself is that you are aware of this, and with time, will eventually demand the respect or move on in your life. You see I and we deserve something more than the worst thing we can stand.  While sitting in my car, I began to tear myself apart, what is it I don’t have, is it because I have children, am I not pretty enough, young enough, used and abused…then I quickly realized what the F%$# am I doing. I am all of those things and more. My children are my life, so anyone who can’t handle that can simply step on, I am damn well beautiful enough, that is obvious by attention, I am still young by age in numbers and especially in looks. And there is nothing used or abused about a woman who almost has her Master’s degree, made E8 in 14 years, and is a great leader and friend to many people. The traits GOD gave me not everyone will have. I am so thankful, and I will never doubt those traits, especially for a man.

A great excerpt from a book I am reading goes along and says, There is an old joke about a nearsighted man who lost his keys late at night and is looking for them by the light of a street lamp.  Another person comes along and offers to help him but asks, “Are you sure this where you lost them?” “No, answers the man, but this is where the light is”.  When we are searching for what we are missing in life, not where there was some hope of finding it, but where, because sometimes it is much easier not to look. Even my subconscious sees my constant recycling of pain. I had a dream the other night, and while falling in my dream, I felt like I couldn’t control my fall. I just kept tumbling and tumbling on the ground. Falling deeper and deeper into a flat floor.  The floor is my foundation.  The foundation is there, but the fact that I was falling tells me it is my choice I am making and not anything I am doing wrong.  I see the choice, I know the pain, yet I still continue to allow myself to feel it.

Well honestly, I am not enjoying it anymore.  I have moved on from a lot of pain in my life recently that affected my livelihood, friends, and life.  I am stronger, smarter, and ready for battle.  I feel this way with my heart as well.  I am ready for war. I no longer will surrender.  I will no longer love too much. I will find my happiness within myself, and if someone comes along that enhances myself, well, you know what…He will earn a place in my amazing life.  He will in no way be the deciding factor if I am happy or not. Because inside I am already happy. I see it so clearly, it feels amazing not to feel alone with or without someone. Honestly I think it is more lonely when you are with someone and they make you feel alone.  These people have no place in your life. You have to take the life lessons they showed you and simply keep pushing forward.  They say if you let it fly away, and it comes back it was meant to be, well I think that is horseshit. A true man or woman that doesn’t recognize what is in front of them simply doesn’t deserve you. That is case and point. And I simply don’t believe anything less than that.