Emotions rain on our lives everyday, we take in so much drama on a daily basis, try to decipher what is important and what is not, that times we don’t know who to turn to. Who can I tell what I am going thru without feeling judgment of some kind. At this point in my life, I often feel alone. I have promoted myself out of friendships, I've had friends judge me for my accomplishments, and had friends leave my side because they really don’t understand what I am going thru. In my past, I grew up without family; so to speak, I always leaned on my friends to help me thru so called adjustments in my life. This started out very young. My father was murdered when I was 5 years old. It was at this point, my Mom was out of my life for about a year for other issues, and I was moved around with different Hell's Angels families. Friends of my parents who stepped in to care for a young child who was at the time parentless. I was so young at this point, I'm not sure if I grew distance to the idea of a true "Family" bond because of this ordeal, or because I was forced to grow up quickly. My childhood was stripped from me. From this day forward, I feel as if I raised myself. My mother was sure to give me a shelter, food, and clothing, even if it wasn’t the best, but I learned early on, that Friends are there for you thru thick and thin. I have always treated my friends like family, and over my adulthood, I have learned not every person you encounter is a "true" friend, or someone you should necessarily tell every detail in your life to. This hurts, because at times when we should be able to vent, you find yourself holding it in and analyzing the details on your own. As a humble natured person, one of my most important values, is do unto others, as you would want done to yourself. I have quickly realized this is not how all people feel. Many people will out themselves first. Which is great, I think it is imporantant to have someone like that in your life. I think it is important to not run from these friendships but use the strengths that each has to offer. I am not a secretive person, and often run to my friends, for words of advice. From this I gain strength from their life experiences. We have all been created individually, and learning from each other makes us who we ultimately will become. My life experiences have created a shift in my universe now. As a Mother, I don’t want my children growing up leaning more on their friends then the family. I may not be able to offer them a complete family now, however, I can offer them a whole and complete mother, someone they can turn to, who not only nurtures as a mother, kicks them in the ASS as a role model, and gives a shoulder to cry on as a friend. My journey is only beginning, and I am thankful for the "True" outlets, friends and family I can turn to in my times of need. They are definitely better than any "Outlet Mall" out there....And in the end, I am only truly Alone, if I am lonely with the person I am with.
