I haven’t blogged much lately, and can’t really explain why except
I think it is easier to feel emotions and talk yourself thru them when you are
really going thru some drama in your life.
I have definitely experienced some drama this year and in saying that, I
think I have finally come to a point in my life that none of it makes sense,
nor am I enticed to entertain it anymore.
Particular addictions (who were mostly men) have now vanished, and the
only person that truly matters to me anymore is….well me. I love the feeling. It’s numbing yet, at the same time I have
never felt so full in my life. While I can’t
say I am completely alone, as I have found someone I really do like to fill my
time while I am still in America, well the sensation really isn’t there. He is
handsome, successful, amazing body, funny, sweet, well shit everything I have
been looking for in someone, but for some reason I am okay that I know it is
not the right time. I don’t crave him, I
don’t text him, I simply wait for him to chase me. It really is a bit easier. And well if we don’t talk, well I guess were
not going to talk until he approaches me.
I just don’t have time for it anymore.
When I am with him, I leave him with good spirits, enticing conversation,
and memories he can crave for more. That
is good enough for me at this point. While
cruising on Facebook today, an old flame of mine posted something that made me
think. He said that SOMETIMES LOSING YOUR BALANCE FOR LOVE IS PART OF BALANCING YOUR LIFE…Wow…You all don’t understand
how that hit me. You see this recently
happened to me. I completely threw my
life upside down for love. I ultimately
risked my career. Everything I had built
over 15 years. My reputation, my
potential, my heart. And when some of my best friends asked me WHY WHY WHY
would you do this, I couldn’t answer.
Its that spark you know. The ping
in your stomach when that certain person touches you. The electrical sensation
you feel when you kiss. Or the connection you felt when you made love. It’s
something…well its something that is irreplaceable. You see I knew I really loved this man,
because in the end, there is no way I can be friends with him. I don’t want to talk to him; I don’t want to
think of him, I just need to move on in my life. And I know that there is really no deal
breaking or straw that broke the camel’s back that put me at this point, it’s
just I really did love him with all my heart. So did I lose my balance for love? Yes I really did. It’s been a long and hard journey, but
ultimately, all of the lessons I have gained from it has made me who and placed
me where I am today. I am an incredible woman, found my motivation to finish my Master's degree. Potentially may get selected for a position I would love to have in Germany, and lastly, well I finally realize the only opinion that truly matters is my own. He was a friend to
me, a close friend, and him as many others pointed out that I love to fast and
hard. I see that now. I also see it is not a bad thing, but it’s
about finding the balance of loving yourself first and it being enough. Once you find that balance you
then can truly love someone else. This
is when your life begins. This is what life is about. I always say...Live your life, dont let it live you.
