I haven’t blogged in quite sometime. I’m sure it’s because I am busy, and possibly
have become a bit confidential when it comes to my own experiences. I am also sure it was because I was dating
someone for a slight moment (quickly learned. Still not ready) and since they
were my friends on Facebook I was unable to express the emotions ripping
throughout my soul. This past year has
been a whirlwind of pain, strength, and happiness. At some points I am unsure if I am up or if I
am down, however I feel much more up nowadays.
I have separated myself from people who require me to take care of them,
and I am watching intensely to see who reaches out to me when I step away. The days of me being nice and caring for
others are over. I have learned that there
is only one person who is true, and that person is me. I am all I ever will have. And while I love my children with all my
heart, and I miss them dearly everyday, I have learned in these past 9 months
that they will leave me one day as well.
That this is the time for me to truly find what strengthens me and
blesses me everyday. It is on my
shoulders to erase my past to build a prominent future.
So with months of a combustion of emotions
that I have kept to myself, and blogs I have played out in my head but not put
on paper, I am going to focus on three topics that I have studied intensely in
my head. The first is recognizing you
are a beautiful flower. Women remind me
of all the flowers of the world. We all
have different beauties, but instead of embracing those beauties we tend to
wish we looked more like the elegant rose or the bright sunflower. We don’t recognize that even the wild
dandelion shines bright of gold or the sexiness of an orchid. Why as women can we look at all these flowers
and recognize the beauty of each, but when examining ourselves, we find faults
and feel we would be worth more if we looked like a long stemmed Iris Women! Quit tearing each other down. Casting stones at others may make you feel better for a moment. But the bottom line is you are a beautiful flower
and if you weren't picked by a random passerby, it wasn't because you weren't beautiful, but because you need a bit more time to grow before you bloom to
your full potential.
The second topic of discussion is removing
you from a situation that no longer serves your better good. I have always been one to give advice, well
look what I am doing here, but there comes a point where I have learned it no
longer serves me to listen to you. I
have provided you the tools and perspectives that someone else doesn't have the
guts to tell you. Why won’t others tell
you the truth? Well it’s easy…because it
jeopardizes a place in your life. If
they tell you what you want to hear, you keep them around because they are
feeding your decisions and insecurities.
I love one of my best friends, because at a time I made decisions she didn't agree with, she cut me off. She wasn't immature, she wasn't rude, she just removed herself from the situation At a point when I grew a little, we discussed
it and she saw my perspective and I believe saw my heart was raw and I truly
loved my decision, and from that point on, she supported me in the corner, but
the best part was I knew she was there from then on out. So while giving advice, I am often raw and
blunt and can be perceived as a bit heartless.
But this is because I love you.
If I didn’t love you, I wouldn't tell you anything. However, I will not stand by and not support
reckless decisions anymore. Simply
because, its not worth my time, and during emotional times in a persons lives,
they are not asking because they need guidance, they are asking because they
want confirmation that what they are doing is okay. So if you need this confirmation…more than
likely what you are doing is going against the greater good of your plan.
Lastly, love….I always come back to love
now don’t I. And I would say this is one
of my least educated topics. I fall
and fall out very easy. It doesn't take
much for me to find a fault, and let that fault erode the entire relationship. I don't see this as a bad thing though, I
think of this as me being strong enough as a woman to finally to stand up for
what I want in someone. In the past
three years, I have loved. I have fallen
in love. And I have hated at
moments. The men I have loved, I still
will love for a long time. And while
being alone, I have realized I loved a man that I didn't know I loved when I was with him. But I don’t dare alter
what God has planned for me. Because I
loved does not mean they were or are the one, it simply means, they had
qualities I need to look for in man. At
this point in my life, with my children separated, retiring in three years, and
finding my true happiness, I know in all my heart, it is not the time to build
a life with someone else. I am only 35
after all…I have many more years to sit with my best friend on a front
porch. But the last thing I have learned
being alone, is our choices may not always be the best, but they were what
needed to happen to reach our full potential.
While I wouldn't change any of my decisions I have made, I believe I owe
a man who was a part of my life for a decade a life size apology. I believe I really broke this man. I took away his life, his home, and his
children. I wasn't the best wife. I tried the best I knew how, but I couldn't fix something when I didn't know a major part of the problem was myself. It was so much easier for me to pass the
blame to someone else. This apology
doesn’t define feelings, it simply is me from the bottom of my heart, I am
sorry. I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for breaking up our family. And I
am sorry I didn't try harder. It is your
birthday today. I hope you have an amazing one.
Please continue to care for our children while I am away. Forgiveness is hard. But when you let hate remain in your heart,
its bares a burden far heavier that of what may have occurred. So in that, I forgive you as well for what
you have made me face. This is your chance
to be a father I never allowed you to be.
Please be thankful that you have this chance, as each day with our
babies is a blessing.
So in the end, I have learned three
important lessons over the past year.
Being alone doesn't mean you are lonely.
It means you haven't found a barrier to prevent you from feeling what
you need to feel to heal. That
forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, but if you can't find a way to
forgive, you will never heal and will never grow into the beautiful flower you
were meant to be. And lastly, just because I liked something at one point in
time doesn't mean I'll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all
points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based
solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to
grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am
for sure is unsure, and this means I'm growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.
