Sunday, October 26, 2014

*WARNING...The Mishaps of Selective Hearing

At what point in our lives do we choose to hear only what we want to hear and not the actual words coming out of someone’s mouth?  So there I am sitting with a “romantic male” friend of mine.   We are having a great time, and he looks at me and says, “You are the most amazing woman I have ever met, and you have all the qualities I hope to find in a woman”…So sweet right?  Well that is not what I heard at all.  What Turaeza heard was, “You are so amazing, however, you are not the woman I want”.  Instead of hearing the words at face value, my insecurities and being a realist knows that is exactly what he meant in my head.  Because at this point, if I chose to dive in and tell him what I would want, then that would mean I would have to allow myself to be vulnerable and to hear him say, I really don't think it would work.  

Do you ever ask yourself why you are not the one?  I do constantly.  Why am I the one who someone won't choose long distance with?  Why am I the one who someone won't settle down for?  And the weirdest thing, is how do all these guys who I couldn't seem to make love me enough, still hold me so deep in their heads and hearts... And that they continue to tell me they would marry me, love me, etc… It really makes no sense to me.  Its like I have become a mirage to many men around the world.  I'm not real.  However, at some point, I have been very real in their lives.  Real enough for one reason or another a decision had to be made on what we were or what we were going to do, and I wasn't their choice.

I could pin it down to a few things.  First off being timing or location.  Maybe they are at a different point in their lives when you meet.  Or maybe I intimidate them.  Maybe knowing what I want and being so strong and having everything I need means they feel they can’t give me more.  Challenged by this I’ve even downplayed my ability to take care of things in the recent years.  “Oh I don’t change a tire”  “Can you help me hang this on the wall” I can't figure this electronic out” All things I could easily figure out on my own, however the conscious decision to make it appear I need them seems to have become part of my game.  Like maybe my independence drives them away and if I were a bit more needy, maybe I would be the one they choose.

These men have given me some great memories and showed me what I want as well.  Each one had a different characteristic about them that really appealed to me.  I’ve danced in the moonlight, eaten breakfast in bed, ran along the ocean and looked for shells like a child.  One man gave me the best Mother’s day of my life because my children weren't with me to celebrate.  And when I cried in his arms that night because I didn't even get to talk to them, he hugged me and we looked out at the ocean. I've giggled and kissed at a fair, while people walked by talking about how cute we were.  And I’ve laid by their side at night with my hand on their hearts believing that maybe this one…maybe this one choose me over life’s harsh realities.


Now in my perfect brain, I know there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with me.  I know that with each person that hasn't worked is God telling me they aren't the right one. And I know I will find a man one day who will give me the world…but in this blog…I'm not reaching for a solution to share…. I am genuinely bewildered how you can be so amazing and yet not good enough at the same time.  This has to be life’s most challenging riddles.  And since I will never know, the only thing I can do is keep trying.  Because one day, one day I'm going to meet a man will tell me I am the most Amazing woman he has ever met, and I have all the qualities he wants in a woman.  And that’s exactly what I will hear….

Friday, October 10, 2014

What lies behind us and what lies before are tiny matters compared to what lies within us

Being alone and single is beyond overrated.  However, the blessing in it is the chance for self-focus.  Focus on areas of your life you need to improve, or what you truly value.  Additionally, I am sure there were plenty of relationships before this point that have contributed to your desires in your life.  Bad dates, interesting people, seeing a future with someone on a first date, and heartache are all significant factors who have made us who we are.  I mean come on.  When we were little girls, every story had a happy ending.  Isn’t it plausible that we would want the same things in life?  I have seen many friends who have found that happy ending.  But what are the factors that make this ending possible?  I don’t think that there is really a task list to get one of us there, but I do strongly believe that the moment someone meets someone they know. 

I have dated a few..very very very few in the past years of being single that I actually saw a future with.  The others I may have tried to make myself believe that at some point I would feel stronger for them.  This obviously came in the forms of very very  very nice men and very very very mean men.  There were few and far in-between men that did make me throw out every insecurity I have developed.  Its hard for a strong woman or man to be insecure, because of past experiences they have allowed someone to chip at her sweet loving walls.  The walls that were put up in an effort to protect her valuable asset.  With each chip removed, her heart grew bigger, pumped stronger, facilitated breath to her sweet lips, which exhaled tender exhilarations of life.  The walls she never wished or requested but surrounded her with so much strength, that they spoke to her.  They consoled her on hurt evenings and allowed tears which fell with shame from her beautiful face.  Her strength masked a smile to those around her and she had become the ultimate puppet master of her own life.  This in-between moment is what we all seek to find at some point in our lives.  

The in-between moment involves a man or a woman to walk their own path, to climb each stair and climb over mountains to reach an independence that is so exhilarating, that the moment of being whole drives a desire to keep climbing.  But when do we know when to stop?  I don’t know if there is an alarm that will go off, but I can say, that questioning your staircase isn’t the answer.  Keep climbing.  Each stair will get smaller, and eventually, I know we will all reach the top.  And at the top, with arms open wide, we can inhale the happiness of life and love.  Once you reach that point my loves.  Take one step down.  The one you have been waiting for will be waiting for you.  Ultimately, what lies behind us and what lies before are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.


Friday, August 8, 2014

Can you create your perfect Modeled MAN???

What weighs on your mind? I have gotten to a place where I am so secure with myself that not much weights on my mind.  I don’t let the little things get to me as I used to.  I have realized that these hardships are only insecurities we create in our own head.  Heed example.  A man and woman start to converse.  The woman is instantly wrapped up.  Because of men she has dated in the past, she applies the insecurities to this current situation, and BOOM! Shit implodes.  Accusations, Large TEXTING letters of how you wont settle for his shit…Well OK, maybe this isn't every situation, but I guarantee you it happens 99 percent of the time. And why does this happen?  Well I will tell you why I think why…It boils down to something we call our self worth and what most women tend to do…Romanticize the idea of a “honda”..okay lets use a “pinto in this case. And in shitty cars I am referring to shitty men.  The better the cars get, then the better the men get.

The differences between men a women are huge!!! Listen hard ladies…because this is something you already know but don't want to face.  We buy cars that appeal to us.  The new KIA is pretty damn awesome, beautiful and sleek, yet would I buy one? Nope.  Why??? Well its just not my type of car.  It doesn't mean the car isn't amazing.  Its just not my type of car.  The problem that lies with most women is we think because we aren't a Lexus, well then we are not a quality product.  Well I am telling you to quit comparing yourself to a different brand.  All ethnicity's are beautiful.  There are plenty of men who love the KIA and not the Lexus. I mean come on, a Lexus is pretty high maintenance…OK enough of the cars…What I am trying to say is you identify what your self worth is.  If you are having a problem figuring that out, please take a moment to self reflect.  Ill tell you my self worth.  Notice it is not plural…Its purposely singular and boils down to one thing.  RESPECT.  If you don't respect me, you will not be around for long.  Respect surrounds everything I have become over the last few years.  And there is nothing that I will do to succumb to jeopardizing the self respect I have for myself. I will not change who I am.  I will not accept mediocrity. And I will not spend my time trying to rebuild a damn pinto into a Jaguar.

But the real problem is why??? Why do we women try to build or change someone into someone they are not.  Well I think that instinctively we naturally are built to nurture someone.  We spend our entire lives playing house and building them.  Naturally we would do the same in adulthood. But what we are failing to fully understand, that it is okay to support and nurture your mate, it is not okay to take a model that will never be a compatible match and change them into something you desire.  The desire must be within themselves.  Change will never occur unless the person experiencing the changes want it to happen.  And I fully believe that not everyone is perfect, and there will always be something that is incompatible.  But those are the small sacrifices you make.  It’s like building a sundae. You may want ice cream, fudge, whip cream, nuts and a cherry on top.  But maybe your partner is nut less (innuendo purposely placed), and that is something you can complete with your personality.


Bottom line to all this is there is no perfect time to meet Mister or Misses right.  It will happen when is is meant to happen.  And it will not happen until you define exactly what you are seeking in your partner.  So quit changing who you are.  You are just fine.  Find someone who completes your heart’s desire.  Then your happily ever after will happen. "Patience is power.  Patience is not an absence of action rather it is "timing" and it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles, and in the right way"-Fulton J. Sheen

Monday, April 14, 2014

Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.

     I haven’t blogged in quite sometime.  I’m sure it’s because I am busy, and possibly have become a bit confidential when it comes to my own experiences.  I am also sure it was because I was dating someone for a slight moment (quickly learned. Still not ready) and since they were my friends on Facebook I was unable to express the emotions ripping throughout my soul.  This past year has been a whirlwind of pain, strength, and happiness.  At some points I am unsure if I am up or if I am down, however I feel much more up nowadays.  I have separated myself from people who require me to take care of them, and I am watching intensely to see who reaches out to me when I step away.  The days of me being nice and caring for others are over.  I have learned that there is only one person who is true, and that person is me.  I am all I ever will have.  And while I love my children with all my heart, and I miss them dearly everyday, I have learned in these past 9 months that they will leave me one day as well.  That this is the time for me to truly find what strengthens me and blesses me everyday.  It is on my shoulders to erase my past to build a prominent future.
     So with months of a combustion of emotions that I have kept to myself, and blogs I have played out in my head but not put on paper, I am going to focus on three topics that I have studied intensely in my head.  The first is recognizing you are a beautiful flower.  Women remind me of all the flowers of the world.  We all have different beauties, but instead of embracing those beauties we tend to wish we looked more like the elegant rose or the bright sunflower.  We don’t recognize that even the wild dandelion shines bright of gold or the sexiness of an orchid.  Why as women can we look at all these flowers and recognize the beauty of each, but when examining ourselves, we find faults and feel we would be worth more if we looked like a long stemmed Iris  Women! Quit tearing each other down. Casting stones at others may make you feel better for a moment. But the bottom line is you are a beautiful flower and if you weren't picked by a random passerby, it wasn't because you weren't beautiful, but because you need a bit more time to grow before you bloom to your full potential.
     The second topic of discussion is removing you from a situation that no longer serves your better good.  I have always been one to give advice, well look what I am doing here, but there comes a point where I have learned it no longer serves me to listen to you.  I have provided you the tools and perspectives that someone else doesn't have the guts to tell you.  Why won’t others tell you the truth?  Well it’s easy…because it jeopardizes a place in your life.  If they tell you what you want to hear, you keep them around because they are feeding your decisions and insecurities.  I love one of my best friends, because at a time I made decisions she didn't agree with, she cut me off.  She wasn't immature, she wasn't rude, she just removed herself from the situation  At a point when I grew a little, we discussed it and she saw my perspective and I believe saw my heart was raw and I truly loved my decision, and from that point on, she supported me in the corner, but the best part was I knew she was there from then on out.  So while giving advice, I am often raw and blunt and can be perceived as a bit heartless.  But this is because I love you.  If I didn’t love you, I wouldn't tell you anything.  However, I will not stand by and not support reckless decisions anymore.  Simply because, its not worth my time, and during emotional times in a persons lives, they are not asking because they need guidance, they are asking because they want confirmation that what they are doing is okay.  So if you need this confirmation…more than likely what you are doing is going against the greater good of your plan.
     Lastly, love….I always come back to love now don’t I.  And I would say this is one of my least educated topics.  I fall and fall out very easy.  It doesn't take much for me to find a fault, and let that fault erode the entire relationship.  I don't see this as a bad thing though, I think of this as me being strong enough as a woman to finally to stand up for what I want in someone.  In the past three years, I have loved.  I have fallen in love.  And I have hated at moments.  The men I have loved, I still will love for a long time.  And while being alone, I have realized I loved a man that I didn't know I loved when I was with him.  But I don’t dare alter what God has planned for me.  Because I loved does not mean they were or are the one, it simply means, they had qualities I need to look for in man.  At this point in my life, with my children separated, retiring in three years, and finding my true happiness, I know in all my heart, it is not the time to build a life with someone else.  I am only 35 after all…I have many more years to sit with my best friend on a front porch.  But the last thing I have learned being alone, is our choices may not always be the best, but they were what needed to happen to reach our full potential.  While I wouldn't change any of my decisions I have made, I believe I owe a man who was a part of my life for a decade a life size apology.  I believe I really broke this man.  I took away his life, his home, and his children.  I wasn't the best wife.  I tried the best I knew how, but I couldn't fix something when I didn't know a major part of the problem was myself.  It was so much easier for me to pass the blame to someone else.  This apology doesn’t define feelings, it simply is me from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.  I am sorry for hurting you.  I am sorry for breaking up our family. And I am sorry I didn't try harder.  It is your birthday today. I hope you have an amazing one.  Please continue to care for our children while I am away.  Forgiveness is hard.  But when you let hate remain in your heart, its bares a burden far heavier that of what may have occurred.  So in that, I forgive you as well for what you have made me face.  This is your chance to be a father I never allowed you to be.  Please be thankful that you have this chance, as each day with our babies is a blessing.
     So in the end, I have learned three important lessons over the past year.  Being alone doesn't mean you are lonely.  It means you haven't found a barrier to prevent you from feeling what you need to feel to heal.  That forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, but if you can't find a way to forgive, you will never heal and will never grow into the beautiful flower you were meant to be.  And lastly, just because I liked something at one point in time doesn't mean I'll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I'm growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.