*WARNING...The Mishaps of Selective Hearing

At what point in our lives do we choose to hear only what we want to hear and not the actual words coming out of someone’s mouth?  So there I am sitting with a “romantic male” friend of mine.   We are having a great time, and he looks at me and says, “You are the most amazing woman I have ever met, and you have all the qualities I hope to find in a woman”…So sweet right?  Well that is not what I heard at all.  What Turaeza heard was, “You are so amazing, however, you are not the woman I want”.  Instead of hearing the words at face value, my insecurities and being a realist knows that is exactly what he meant in my head.  Because at this point, if I chose to dive in and tell him what I would want, then that would mean I would have to allow myself to be vulnerable and to hear him say, I really don't think it would work.  

Do you ever ask yourself why you are not the one?  I do constantly.  Why am I the one who someone won't choose long distance with?  Why am I the one who someone won't settle down for?  And the weirdest thing, is how do all these guys who I couldn't seem to make love me enough, still hold me so deep in their heads and hearts... And that they continue to tell me they would marry me, love me, etc… It really makes no sense to me.  Its like I have become a mirage to many men around the world.  I'm not real.  However, at some point, I have been very real in their lives.  Real enough for one reason or another a decision had to be made on what we were or what we were going to do, and I wasn't their choice.

I could pin it down to a few things.  First off being timing or location.  Maybe they are at a different point in their lives when you meet.  Or maybe I intimidate them.  Maybe knowing what I want and being so strong and having everything I need means they feel they can’t give me more.  Challenged by this I’ve even downplayed my ability to take care of things in the recent years.  “Oh I don’t change a tire”  “Can you help me hang this on the wall” I can't figure this electronic out” All things I could easily figure out on my own, however the conscious decision to make it appear I need them seems to have become part of my game.  Like maybe my independence drives them away and if I were a bit more needy, maybe I would be the one they choose.

These men have given me some great memories and showed me what I want as well.  Each one had a different characteristic about them that really appealed to me.  I’ve danced in the moonlight, eaten breakfast in bed, ran along the ocean and looked for shells like a child.  One man gave me the best Mother’s day of my life because my children weren't with me to celebrate.  And when I cried in his arms that night because I didn't even get to talk to them, he hugged me and we looked out at the ocean. I've giggled and kissed at a fair, while people walked by talking about how cute we were.  And I’ve laid by their side at night with my hand on their hearts believing that maybe this one…maybe this one choose me over life’s harsh realities.

Now in my perfect brain, I know there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with me.  I know that with each person that hasn't worked is God telling me they aren't the right one. And I know I will find a man one day who will give me the world…but in this blog…I'm not reaching for a solution to share…. I am genuinely bewildered how you can be so amazing and yet not good enough at the same time.  This has to be life’s most challenging riddles.  And since I will never know, the only thing I can do is keep trying.  Because one day, one day I'm going to meet a man will tell me I am the most Amazing woman he has ever met, and I have all the qualities he wants in a woman.  And that’s exactly what I will hear….

What lies behind us and what lies before are tiny matters compared to what lies within us

Being alone and single is beyond overrated.  However, the blessing in it is the chance for self-focus.  Focus on areas of your life you need to improve, or what you truly value.  Additionally, I am sure there were plenty of relationships before this point that have contributed to your desires in your life.  Bad dates, interesting people, seeing a future with someone on a first date, and heartache are all significant factors who have made us who we are.  I mean come on.  When we were little girls, every story had a happy ending.  Isn’t it plausible that we would want the same things in life?  I have seen many friends who have found that happy ending.  But what are the factors that make this ending possible?  I don’t think that there is really a task list to get one of us there, but I do strongly believe that the moment someone meets someone they know. 

I have dated a few..very very very few in the past years of being single that I actually saw a future with.  The others I may have tried to make myself believe that at some point I would feel stronger for them.  This obviously came in the forms of very very  very nice men and very very very mean men.  There were few and far in-between men that did make me throw out every insecurity I have developed.  Its hard for a strong woman or man to be insecure, because of past experiences they have allowed someone to chip at her sweet loving walls.  The walls that were put up in an effort to protect her valuable asset.  With each chip removed, her heart grew bigger, pumped stronger, facilitated breath to her sweet lips, which exhaled tender exhilarations of life.  The walls she never wished or requested but surrounded her with so much strength, that they spoke to her.  They consoled her on hurt evenings and allowed tears which fell with shame from her beautiful face.  Her strength masked a smile to those around her and she had become the ultimate puppet master of her own life.  This in-between moment is what we all seek to find at some point in our lives.  

The in-between moment involves a man or a woman to walk their own path, to climb each stair and climb over mountains to reach an independence that is so exhilarating, that the moment of being whole drives a desire to keep climbing.  But when do we know when to stop?  I don’t know if there is an alarm that will go off, but I can say, that questioning your staircase isn’t the answer.  Keep climbing.  Each stair will get smaller, and eventually, I know we will all reach the top.  And at the top, with arms open wide, we can inhale the happiness of life and love.  Once you reach that point my loves.  Take one step down.  The one you have been waiting for will be waiting for you.  Ultimately, what lies behind us and what lies before are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Can you create your perfect Modeled MAN???

What weighs on your mind? I have gotten to a place where I am so secure with myself that not much weights on my mind.  I don’t let the little things get to me as I used to.  I have realized that these hardships are only insecurities we create in our own head.  Heed example.  A man and woman start to converse.  The woman is instantly wrapped up.  Because of men she has dated in the past, she applies the insecurities to this current situation, and BOOM! Shit implodes.  Accusations, Large TEXTING letters of how you wont settle for his shit…Well OK, maybe this isn't every situation, but I guarantee you it happens 99 percent of the time. And why does this happen?  Well I will tell you why I think why…It boils down to something we call our self worth and what most women tend to do…Romanticize the idea of a “honda”..okay lets use a “pinto in this case. And in shitty cars I am referring to shitty men.  The better the cars get, then the better the men get.

The differences between men a women are huge!!! Listen hard ladies…because this is something you already know but don't want to face.  We buy cars that appeal to us.  The new KIA is pretty damn awesome, beautiful and sleek, yet would I buy one? Nope.  Why??? Well its just not my type of car.  It doesn't mean the car isn't amazing.  Its just not my type of car.  The problem that lies with most women is we think because we aren't a Lexus, well then we are not a quality product.  Well I am telling you to quit comparing yourself to a different brand.  All ethnicity's are beautiful.  There are plenty of men who love the KIA and not the Lexus. I mean come on, a Lexus is pretty high maintenance…OK enough of the cars…What I am trying to say is you identify what your self worth is.  If you are having a problem figuring that out, please take a moment to self reflect.  Ill tell you my self worth.  Notice it is not plural…Its purposely singular and boils down to one thing.  RESPECT.  If you don't respect me, you will not be around for long.  Respect surrounds everything I have become over the last few years.  And there is nothing that I will do to succumb to jeopardizing the self respect I have for myself. I will not change who I am.  I will not accept mediocrity. And I will not spend my time trying to rebuild a damn pinto into a Jaguar.

But the real problem is why??? Why do we women try to build or change someone into someone they are not.  Well I think that instinctively we naturally are built to nurture someone.  We spend our entire lives playing house and building them.  Naturally we would do the same in adulthood. But what we are failing to fully understand, that it is okay to support and nurture your mate, it is not okay to take a model that will never be a compatible match and change them into something you desire.  The desire must be within themselves.  Change will never occur unless the person experiencing the changes want it to happen.  And I fully believe that not everyone is perfect, and there will always be something that is incompatible.  But those are the small sacrifices you make.  It’s like building a sundae. You may want ice cream, fudge, whip cream, nuts and a cherry on top.  But maybe your partner is nut less (innuendo purposely placed), and that is something you can complete with your personality.

Bottom line to all this is there is no perfect time to meet Mister or Misses right.  It will happen when is is meant to happen.  And it will not happen until you define exactly what you are seeking in your partner.  So quit changing who you are.  You are just fine.  Find someone who completes your heart’s desire.  Then your happily ever after will happen. "Patience is power.  Patience is not an absence of action rather it is "timing" and it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles, and in the right way"-Fulton J. Sheen

Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.

     I haven’t blogged in quite sometime.  I’m sure it’s because I am busy, and possibly have become a bit confidential when it comes to my own experiences.  I am also sure it was because I was dating someone for a slight moment (quickly learned. Still not ready) and since they were my friends on Facebook I was unable to express the emotions ripping throughout my soul.  This past year has been a whirlwind of pain, strength, and happiness.  At some points I am unsure if I am up or if I am down, however I feel much more up nowadays.  I have separated myself from people who require me to take care of them, and I am watching intensely to see who reaches out to me when I step away.  The days of me being nice and caring for others are over.  I have learned that there is only one person who is true, and that person is me.  I am all I ever will have.  And while I love my children with all my heart, and I miss them dearly everyday, I have learned in these past 9 months that they will leave me one day as well.  That this is the time for me to truly find what strengthens me and blesses me everyday.  It is on my shoulders to erase my past to build a prominent future.

     So with months of a combustion of emotions that I have kept to myself, and blogs I have played out in my head but not put on paper, I am going to focus on three topics that I have studied intensely in my head.  The first is recognizing you are a beautiful flower.  Women remind me of all the flowers of the world.  We all have different beauties, but instead of embracing those beauties we tend to wish we looked more like the elegant rose or the bright sunflower.  We don’t recognize that even the wild dandelion shines bright of gold or the sexiness of an orchid.  Why as women can we look at all these flowers and recognize the beauty of each, but when examining ourselves, we find faults and feel we would be worth more if we looked like a long stemmed Iris  Women! Quit tearing each other down. Casting stones at others may make you feel better for a moment. But the bottom line is you are a beautiful flower and if you weren't picked by a random passerby, it wasn't because you weren't beautiful, but because you need a bit more time to grow before you bloom to your full potential.

     The second topic of discussion is removing you from a situation that no longer serves your better good.  I have always been one to give advice, well look what I am doing here, but there comes a point where I have learned it no longer serves me to listen to you.  I have provided you the tools and perspectives that someone else doesn't have the guts to tell you.  Why won’t others tell you the truth?  Well it’s easy…because it jeopardizes a place in your life.  If they tell you what you want to hear, you keep them around because they are feeding your decisions and insecurities.  I love one of my best friends, because at a time I made decisions she didn't agree with, she cut me off.  She wasn't immature, she wasn't rude, she just removed herself from the situation  At a point when I grew a little, we discussed it and she saw my perspective and I believe saw my heart was raw and I truly loved my decision, and from that point on, she supported me in the corner, but the best part was I knew she was there from then on out.  So while giving advice, I am often raw and blunt and can be perceived as a bit heartless.  But this is because I love you.  If I didn’t love you, I wouldn't tell you anything.  However, I will not stand by and not support reckless decisions anymore.  Simply because, its not worth my time, and during emotional times in a persons lives, they are not asking because they need guidance, they are asking because they want confirmation that what they are doing is okay.  So if you need this confirmation…more than likely what you are doing is going against the greater good of your plan.

     Lastly, love….I always come back to love now don’t I.  And I would say this is one of my least educated topics.  I fall and fall out very easy.  It doesn't take much for me to find a fault, and let that fault erode the entire relationship.  I don't see this as a bad thing though, I think of this as me being strong enough as a woman to finally to stand up for what I want in someone.  In the past three years, I have loved.  I have fallen in love.  And I have hated at moments.  The men I have loved, I still will love for a long time.  And while being alone, I have realized I loved a man that I didn't know I loved when I was with him.  But I don’t dare alter what God has planned for me.  Because I loved does not mean they were or are the one, it simply means, they had qualities I need to look for in man.  At this point in my life, with my children separated, retiring in three years, and finding my true happiness, I know in all my heart, it is not the time to build a life with someone else.  I am only 35 after all…I have many more years to sit with my best friend on a front porch.  But the last thing I have learned being alone, is our choices may not always be the best, but they were what needed to happen to reach our full potential.  While I wouldn't change any of my decisions I have made, I believe I owe a man who was a part of my life for a decade a life size apology.  I believe I really broke this man.  I took away his life, his home, and his children.  I wasn't the best wife.  I tried the best I knew how, but I couldn't fix something when I didn't know a major part of the problem was myself.  It was so much easier for me to pass the blame to someone else.  This apology doesn’t define feelings, it simply is me from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.  I am sorry for hurting you.  I am sorry for breaking up our family. And I am sorry I didn't try harder.  It is your birthday today. I hope you have an amazing one.  Please continue to care for our children while I am away.  Forgiveness is hard.  But when you let hate remain in your heart, its bares a burden far heavier that of what may have occurred.  So in that, I forgive you as well for what you have made me face.  This is your chance to be a father I never allowed you to be.  Please be thankful that you have this chance, as each day with our babies is a blessing.

     So in the end, I have learned three important lessons over the past year.  Being alone doesn't mean you are lonely.  It means you haven't found a barrier to prevent you from feeling what you need to feel to heal.  That forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, but if you can't find a way to forgive, you will never heal and will never grow into the beautiful flower you were meant to be.  And lastly, just because I liked something at one point in time doesn't mean I'll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I'm growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.

Don't Stop Chasing Butterflies...

Life’s decisions weren’t made for dummies. Many times we make rash or drastic decisions based on emotion instead of rational thought or fact.  We don’t foresee the pain ahead.  We live in the now, and truly believe if we follow that little voice in our head, then our happily ever after ending will soon come true.  That fate can be seen in the distance.  All the while, never seeing how we may hurt or lose something so near and dear to us.  I thought of this the other day.  When I was seeking my own happiness, I truly believed I was doing it for the better of myself and my children.  I felt smothered when I was married.  I was unhappy, and I wasn’t free spirited or caring as I once had been.  I resented caring for people because I cared so many years for a man who didn’t or couldn’t give to me in the ways I needed.  He took me for granted and in turn I did the same to him.  I reached a point I could no longer hold on.  I didn’t do this on my own.  I leaned on friends, or made up destinies in my head.  I told myself my children would be much happier growing up knowing their mother the way she should be and not what she had become.  I never imagined those three short years later, I would be blogging in my bed and my children living across the world from me.  I never imagined I would cry myself to sleep every night just at the thought of them, or feeling so alone, I just turn myself off and sit in front of my IPHONE for hours.  Because ultimately, not feeling is much better than feeling anything at all. 

When we go thru hard times, we tell ourselves and friends that “everything happens for a reason”.  I’ve said it many times to friends.  I mock the thought that a parent who loses a child to custody or death can fathom that this ultimately happened for a reason.  You resent the fact that there are so many dead beat mothers and fathers out there, yet you, who love your children with all your heart, are forced to live away from them. I’ve ultimately realized my decision was selfish and I am now paying the price for it.  The BIG Problem with marriage nowadays is we go into with the thought that, hey if this doesn’t work, well We can just get a divorce.  We marry extremely young, and instead of focusing on how to grow together, our personalities are so different by the time we are in our mid 20’s, we merely just stick around because it’s either comfortable or for the children.  I find that sad, because I will tell you that I never thought I would lose friends or my kids with this decision that I made.  And I now ask myself….Was it worth it?

When we make these life changing decisions, if that’s to divorce, marry, cheat, run away, break up, take a step back and examine all the consequences of your actions.  I am a firm believer in living in the present.  We must make decisions that ultimately affect the now, but one thing we forget to consider is are we ultimately changing our destiny due to our own impatience?  I am not telling you not to follow your gut, but what I am saying is you must get to a point where you line up with your decisions.  You must truly believe in your decision so you can manifest the destination to which you want to achieve.  We often find ourselves lost when we take action before you find alignment to which your goal you wanted to achieve.  I will be honest, and friends here in Germany can attest this is the truth.  As soon as I moved in, I told a few friends I did not see my children in my home.  I just couldn’t visualize them there with me.  You could call it a premonition or was I manifesting my destiny before it could even happen.

So now we have covered our life falling apart, manifesting the evils we trying so hard to run from, how do we crawl out of this valley we are stuck in?  I’m not sure, I can tell you that, but I can also tell you what I plan on doing….I’m going to chase butterflies, or in other words follow my impulses.  If you take the time to stay off the subject of intention, your impulse will lead you to a rendezvous in the right direction.  Focus on the now and the positivity you so desire.  Treat all people with kindness, and separate yourself from dramatic situations which no longer serve your impulses.  Because if you get too caught up in the intention of a desire, you lose focus of what butterflies are worth being chased because you are so centered on one intention.

My goal is to convince you to truly believe that the Universe is already aligning my future and yours.  You don’t need to ask for more because you just stir up the negative emotions that go along with the desire…Just let go…Tell yourself I’ve already asked and the universe is working it out, now I just need to get in the place to let it in.  Our biggest mistake is we believe we have to work hard and that if we work hard the break will come only in the struggle.  But instead, we need to believe that if the break comes it will be in spite of the struggle and if it comes in spite of the struggle, it won’t be that bad of a break.  It’s all about trust and believing you are worthy and deserving what you ask for from the universe.  The only thing that is standing against you achieving everything you ask for from the universe is you simply don’t believe you really deserve it.  There is great love for you here.  It’s up to you to believe it.

Welcome to the Facebook show and Law of Attraction

I think that Apple products combined with Facebook will be the end of demise for our current generation.  I seriously wake up every morning and as I drink my coffee I check Facebook.  I take my phone everywhere.  I seriously believe that I check Facebook at least 30-50 times a day. I will spend hours on it at night, seeking some new sort of information that generates my interest.  Is our own lives so boring that we have to read about other friends lives to take up our time.  In my 34 years, I would say that the technological age took a hard shift in about 1997-1999 right after I graduated high school and while at my first base.  This is when cell phones became so abundant.  Still the introduction of the smart phone is what really killed it.  This didn’t happen to me until about 2009 because I lived overseas, and my cell was for calling people or texting.  But what did the introduction of the cell phone do? It took away the need to communicate with people directly.  Then texting, e-mailing, etc, quickly eliminated any need of personal contact at all…And now…well now FACEBOOK is a cancer that is at a stage 4 in a lot of our lives.

*DISCLAIMER*

I understand it’s your page, say what you want, post, or share whatever, but at the same time, I am the reader, what if I don’t want to read or see what you have to say.  Now I know you instantly want to defend yourself, but here me out on this one.

First off, you choose your friends.  The people who see your every move is by your choice and yours alone.  A friend is someone you trust, will not judge you, or use your mistakes to their advantage.  Nor, will they do anything that would hurt you.  Therefore, your reason to state why someone is not being a friend, as if they are going to read your status boggles me.  Why are they on your page in the first place? People don’t become shady overnight, so bottom line you either need to learn what a friend is or you need to filter your friends list, because I, your friend, don’t want to hear empty threats of deletion or telling someone off, when all I have done is be your friend. I simply don’t need that type of drama or negativity in my life.

Second.  Why do you threaten deletion? If you don’t like someone, why make an announcement to each and every one that you are going to delete people.  I have seen many reasons, as many of you reading this now too have and in all they all in....CONSIDER YOURSELF DELETED BY THE TIME YOU FINISH READING THIS POST.  Really?! Why the empty threats.  Have you engaged yourself in social media so much that you can’t even confront your so called friend one on one.  Think about 5^th grade. If your best friend made you mad, you passed a note in class to her or him or called it out on the playground. You didn’t pass a note each and every person in hopes they (your so called best friend) might see it, and as well get a poster made and tape it on the door, YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE.   My point here is our children are already engrossed in this type of behavior.  We are the teachers, the groomers, we are building the next generation.  The generation where every child gets a trophy for trying.  And we are simply passing down a toxic form of communication down as adults. We wonder why children and young adults are weaker today than when we were teenagers.  The simple truth is lack of confrontation and I believe we use the word friend loosely.  If someone is your true friend, you wouldn’t have to defend yourself on Facebook, because honestly, I just don’t want to see it. Oh did I already say that? Yea I did.

Third, why do we feel we need to use Facebook as a mirror to our soul.  Now I know, you see an image, and you feel passion behind it, so it’s your page, go ahead and share it.  Its your damn page in the first place. I do it; it’s nice to see something you relate to, because ultimately it is your page.  However, what I am discussing is when you change your status or share a picture because you want someone to see it.  If you wanted them to see it that bad, and you know in your heart that this picture is for one person, why not text it to them,  or message it to them.  Why post it for all of your friends to see.  And lastly, If you aren’t in texting status anymore, why the hell are they on your Friends list?

My last plan of thought here is FACEBOOK has become a valid personality test. I can see which of my friends are single, married, going thru a divorce etc.  I know if you are in a relationship and trying to reach out of it. I can tell what is going on in someone's lives merely because of statuses, self pictures, or images. You have made it easy for me to see if you are needy, a gold digger, happy alone, or emotionally unattached and not ready to grow up.  And I think it is really sad.  Just because I know I have had my moments too.  So I’m going to close with this.  If all you are experiencing is negative events or dealings with negative people, check your Facebook page on your last year of statuses… I can almost guarantee you will only see negative posts.  You are attracting what you put off.  Find peace in yourself, eliminate those who do not bring you positivity, and pay kindness forward.  Think before you post, and always do the right thing because you want to, not because of what you want someone to see it. 

Keep in mind that truthful words are not always beautiful, beautiful words are not always truthful. So be right in your own setting and what you say will be delivered just as you intended.  Fear and Anger are fed with fire, don't fuel that fire and it will die, and those who bring you such negativity will no longer have a purpose in your life.  

Learning to Walk Sets you FREE! Now its's Time to DANCE!!!

Life after you, and you, and you....

Taking back your heart and what you’re willing to give to the world is the most rewarding feeling I have ever encountered in my life.  I don’t see any of my experiences as failures, but I feel that they were put in front of me to take bits of lessons and apply them to where I am now.  I’ve made a few mistakes over the last 2 years since my divorce.  Some personal and some professional, but “Hey”…isn’t that expected when we are learning.  We don’t tell our children they will never walk, or carry them throughout their lives when they take those first steps.  No!  They fall down, and we gently pick them back up and tell them to do it again.  This is what I have done, and what I urge anyone who is feeling overwhelmed or any sense of failure in your life.  We learn a lot in the Air Force.  One thing that is ingrained in our minds are the four components of wellness.  They are Spiritual, Emotional, Physical, and Social.  When we are at one with these four areas, our soul is sound.  And there will be times when one area is completely F@$#d up, and that’s when you know, it’s time to take your life back.  Let’s discuss…..

Spiritual-I have many friends who are very spiritual and others that are not.  I don’t believe this focuses on the bible nor any other lord you may worship.  What I think spiritual wellness refers to, is knowing exactly what you want and who you are.  Not being afraid to take a chance, even if it’s the scariest thing you have done your whole life.  Because in the end, you never fail.  You would never know if you succeeded unless you tried, and in my opinion, trying is NEVER failing.  Like I said earlier, we never think a toddler fails when he falls learning to walk, so why are we so hard on ourselves.  The bottom line measure here, is loving yourself first.  When you find love in yourself, you will experience something unconditional.  You know longer linger for a text, fret when you don’t hear from someone, or doubt yourself.  Because you love you.  And if they love you, they’ll come around, and if they don’t , thank the God you do or don t believe in that they have allowed you to move on.

Emotional-…….hmmmm….do I go at a woman’s approach here or a man’s.  I recently asked a question to my men out there how they feel about women.  Is sex like going to gym? Do they have to be attracted to a woman to sleep with her? And how do we know if a man ever really even liked us and simply wasn’t just using us for sex.  We women are some emotional freaks.  It boils down to cave man times, while during sex a serotonin is released from our brain that attaches us to the man we are sleeping with.  Well WOMEN, if you want to act like a man, think like one, THEN START ACTING LIKE A LADY.  Case in point, we WILL NEVER  be men.  We will never get what we want, by allowing someone to use us. Realize WE run the game.  We decide if we want you or not.  If they don’t put in the effort, well they didn’t want you bad enough.  I would rather lose someone thru texting because I didn’t give it up, then give it up, develop feelings, and linger for their responses.  Once you find this, you don’t care who texts you anymore.  You are so self-confident in who you are and what you can give to someone, that you wake up everyday, and text yourself Good Morning Beautiful!  I kid….But seriously, God it feels good.  My last point here, is quit tearing yourself apart about what was wrong with you.  A great quality of mine, is I am friends with almost every guy I have semi-dated or really dated in the past two years.  Well that’s if I want to be.  And the bottomline, while most of them are the ones who pulled away first, I have learned that it was never about me.  It was them, where they were at in their lives.  And this is confirmation to me, because I never reach back to an ex. EVER….I’m stubborn that way, but I’m also very grateful, they came back into mine to teach and reaffirm any doubts I had when I was weak.

Physical-We all struggle on the physical side.  We never feel were enough, and we are the most judgmental of ourselves.  INCLUDING ME!!! Here’s honesty… I weighed in yesterday at 135 lbs. EEEEKKKKK!  Now I know I have a lot of friends who would love to weigh 135 pounds, but for me, I am DYING.  I embrace my curves, my butt is def getting bigger, which I LOVE lol…but I really love being 125 lbs.  I don’t know it is about that number, but I feel my best at it.  So it doesn’t matter what shape magazine wants you to be, what your partner wants, what your personal trainer wants, because in the end, if you don’t want it…ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!  You will motivate yourself.  And ask a friend.  Many people probably admire everything about you.  They love your shape, they love your curves, and many men or women lol…think you are attractive.  Recent story…I’m feeling like shit, 10 lbs heavier than normal, but still looking good ;-)…met a couple a girls at class, who have become good friends of mine in the last few weeks, and they come up to me the first time we met, and was like “I want your body”…Now while I’m over here, tearing myself apart…I’m motivating others to do well for themselves.  So take a second look sometimes.  While I love my jeans…and my besties KNOW I love ‘em tight! If I want it bad enough, I’ll lose it, and if I don’t, well I still know I’m a motivator for others.

Social-I LOVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! I love the extroverts, I love the introverts, I love the controllers, and I love the followers.  We make up a pretty interesting world.  And without a few of each one, chaos would break OUT!!!  Can you imagine everyone in your social group being introverted or controlling.  Man, I think we would either die of silence or fight for power.  The dynamics of friendship are amazing.  And having a few good friends is much better than having a lot of peeps.  Think of friends like a relationship.  If you are giving more and they don’t give anything, then it’s time to move on.  We’ve all had the good and the bad, all I’m saying is with age, the less are more sturdy and you know you can depend on them.  I would just say….there is always someone who needs you.  Don’t be judgmental.  Never is anyone too good for someone else.  There are times, that we just need someone to listen to us.  Keep that in mind next time you are too busy to talk to someone you know or even your child.

So since I am asking you to be vulnerable in a sense, I will be vulnerable too.  Coco Channel wraps me up in a nutshell, and any man you ask about me will say exactly what is below, and in the end…I’m still learning to walk….

“It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. It would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong. And if he’s stronger than I, I’m the one who can’t live with him.   I’m neither smart nor stupid, but I don’t think I’m a run-of-the-mill person. I’ve been in business without being a businesswoman; I’ve loved without being a woman made only for love. The two men I’ve loved, I think, will remember me, on earth or in heaven, because men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. I’ve done my best, in regard to people and to life, without precepts, but with a taste for justice.”
― Coco Chanel