Rose in No Man's Land

A Rose in No Man’s Land

Typically in historical times, the conventional mindset was war is a man’s fight.  However, there are more than 250 documented cases of women who served in the ranks of both the Union and Confederate armies dressed as men, an act at once rebellious and patriotic, using this usurped male social identity to claim full status as citizens of their nation and access male independence in an age when neither was available to women.  These sacrifices were at times patriotic, and at other times were out of love to remain close to their husbands.  These amazing women encountered intolerable conditions to change a society of suffrage and to give us the rights we are afforded to at this moment.  And to date, the total numbers of women who serve in the Department of Defense only make up approximately 14.5% of the total force. 

As a proud woman serving for almost two decades in the Air Force, I have come across a variety of women serving.  I would tell all who read this to never judge a book by its cover.  Treat a woman as an individual first, and allow them the opportunity to prove their dedication to the mission.  Being a girly girl myself, I have been misjudged many times over my career.  And of all that have been honest with me later on about judgment, told me that they judged me first on gender and personality and after I had earned their respect for my leadership and professionalism, exclaimed they would stand behind me any day in any battle.  I tell you this because it is honest, and many times we avoid honest facts as to not offend another individual.  I say instead of fearing judgments, be yourself, embrace your personality and characteristics you were born with, and show all those who work with you or for you what a “Jet Packing” lady looks like.

I know it’s not easy.  Our lives upbringings often dictate our behaviors and mentalities on many subjects.  Personally working with a “tribe” of women on the USAFE Inspector General, I have personally seen how many women adapt to the environment they work in to achieve success due to working in a male dominated career field. While I know this is a norm, I would preach to the young women in the Armed Forces to embrace your confidence and the characteristics that you carry as a woman.  One of these characteristics, personally my strongest trait and by far my favorite, is empathy.  Empathy is the ability to recognize and share people’s feelings and one of the most important tools in a leaders tool box. In Simon Sineks latest best selling book, he states, “the lesson I’m learning is that I’m useless by myself.  My success hinges entirely on the people I work with, people who enlist themselves to join me in my vision.”  Know your people, show them you care, and in the end, your people will take care of you regardless of gender.

Lastly, I would ask you contribute to the cycle of history.  Make our military a better place for all.  Understand that success and ideas are placed in your heart for a reason.  It is up to you to take a plan, put it into action, and be willing to stand behind it whether it succeed or fails.  Ultimately, if your passion furthered a program, you succeeded regardless.  Women are going to continually grow in our armed forces and acquire higher positions.  With these acquisitions of positions, the direction of our Armed Forces will change with broader understandings and innovative changes.  Areas of focus will further you, and your capabilities in the military.  For example when I joined the Air Force, GI Jane was once just a movie, but in my short time, women are now entering piloted programs to serve in active combat roles. 

I’ll conclude with this,a new personal legacy of mine that I will share with each of my female Airmen.

This is the story of a Rose in No Man’s Land.  It goes:

I've seen some beautiful flowers,

Grow in life's garden fair,

I've spent some wonderful hours,

Lost in their fragrance rare;

But I have found another,

Wondrous beyond compare.

There's a rose that grows on "No Man's Land"

And it's wonderful to see,

Tho' its spray'd with tears, it will live for years,

In my garden of memory.

It's the one red rose the soldier knows,

It's the work of the Master's hand;

Mid the War's great curse, Stands the Red Cross Nurse,

She's the rose of "No Man's Land".

Out of the heavenly splendour,

Down to the trail of woe,

God in his mercy has sent her,

Cheering the world below;

We call her "Rose of Heaven",

We've learned to love her so.

While the story of a Rose in No Man’s Land once stood for our Red Cross nurses who supported men in combat, I say we broaden this mindset to all women in the Armed Forces now.  Because, while just a flower, a rose withstands life in some of the harshest environments, yet stands strong with beauty throughout all seasons.  Congratulations! You are now the roses of no man’s land.  Let’s leave a legacy and continue to stand strong and stand tall!

Fan the Flames of a Cold Heart

Loving someone with a cold heart is hard to do.  When you are with them, you get slight glimpses of their soul, and within days you can feel the tension that encompasses their aura.  You put time and effort into chiseling the beautifully crafted ice sculpture, however, it seems your attempts to put a dent in their icy surroundings goes unnoticed and are even more are unwelcomed.   

Cold hearts are nature’s way of protecting the fire that burns within.  Its like a volcano that steams below the earth, peaked and protected by a thick core mountain top draped in soft snow.  The layers of protection to keep the fire burning within are endless, and the last thing anyone wants to do is unleash that passion without being prepared to be engulfed with hot lava.

Cold hearts are afraid.  This is because they were once warm, even hot.  Believing and trusting the intentions of everyone they ever met.  They believe do unto others as you want done to you.  It brings them joy to make another person smile.  It’s almost as if they walk a romantic life everyday, just without the romance.  Whether, friend, lover, or foe, a cold heart will always consider your feelings and attempt to accept your pain, because only a cold heart knows what it feels like to be lied to, hurt, and broken. 

Cold hearts are beautiful and possibly one of the most amazing things another can experience.   They distant themselves from painful feelings because they don’t want to feel.  Not in an “I don’t want to feel at all sense”, but more of an “I am currently at my pain threshold, and I need you to understand that”.   Hurt hurts, and doing it alone is even harder.  If you are not alone at this moment, you will never understand that.  Don’t question a cold heart.  Ultimately, a cold heart was once just something that loved to hard.

So when you meet this cold heart, love them harder. Fan the flames and show them that love and honesty are achievable.  The heart is like snow, beautiful but cold, and sometimes, some people are worth melting for.  Love it anyway!

*WARNING...The Mishaps of Selective Hearing

At what point in our lives do we choose to hear only what we want to hear and not the actual words coming out of someone’s mouth?  So there I am sitting with a “romantic male” friend of mine.   We are having a great time, and he looks at me and says, “You are the most amazing woman I have ever met, and you have all the qualities I hope to find in a woman”…So sweet right?  Well that is not what I heard at all.  What Turaeza heard was, “You are so amazing, however, you are not the woman I want”.  Instead of hearing the words at face value, my insecurities and being a realist knows that is exactly what he meant in my head.  Because at this point, if I chose to dive in and tell him what I would want, then that would mean I would have to allow myself to be vulnerable and to hear him say, I really don't think it would work.  

Do you ever ask yourself why you are not the one?  I do constantly.  Why am I the one who someone won't choose long distance with?  Why am I the one who someone won't settle down for?  And the weirdest thing, is how do all these guys who I couldn't seem to make love me enough, still hold me so deep in their heads and hearts... And that they continue to tell me they would marry me, love me, etc… It really makes no sense to me.  Its like I have become a mirage to many men around the world.  I'm not real.  However, at some point, I have been very real in their lives.  Real enough for one reason or another a decision had to be made on what we were or what we were going to do, and I wasn't their choice.

I could pin it down to a few things.  First off being timing or location.  Maybe they are at a different point in their lives when you meet.  Or maybe I intimidate them.  Maybe knowing what I want and being so strong and having everything I need means they feel they can’t give me more.  Challenged by this I’ve even downplayed my ability to take care of things in the recent years.  “Oh I don’t change a tire”  “Can you help me hang this on the wall” I can't figure this electronic out” All things I could easily figure out on my own, however the conscious decision to make it appear I need them seems to have become part of my game.  Like maybe my independence drives them away and if I were a bit more needy, maybe I would be the one they choose.

These men have given me some great memories and showed me what I want as well.  Each one had a different characteristic about them that really appealed to me.  I’ve danced in the moonlight, eaten breakfast in bed, ran along the ocean and looked for shells like a child.  One man gave me the best Mother’s day of my life because my children weren't with me to celebrate.  And when I cried in his arms that night because I didn't even get to talk to them, he hugged me and we looked out at the ocean. I've giggled and kissed at a fair, while people walked by talking about how cute we were.  And I’ve laid by their side at night with my hand on their hearts believing that maybe this one…maybe this one choose me over life’s harsh realities.

Now in my perfect brain, I know there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with me.  I know that with each person that hasn't worked is God telling me they aren't the right one. And I know I will find a man one day who will give me the world…but in this blog…I'm not reaching for a solution to share…. I am genuinely bewildered how you can be so amazing and yet not good enough at the same time.  This has to be life’s most challenging riddles.  And since I will never know, the only thing I can do is keep trying.  Because one day, one day I'm going to meet a man will tell me I am the most Amazing woman he has ever met, and I have all the qualities he wants in a woman.  And that’s exactly what I will hear….

What lies behind us and what lies before are tiny matters compared to what lies within us

Being alone and single is beyond overrated.  However, the blessing in it is the chance for self-focus.  Focus on areas of your life you need to improve, or what you truly value.  Additionally, I am sure there were plenty of relationships before this point that have contributed to your desires in your life.  Bad dates, interesting people, seeing a future with someone on a first date, and heartache are all significant factors who have made us who we are.  I mean come on.  When we were little girls, every story had a happy ending.  Isn’t it plausible that we would want the same things in life?  I have seen many friends who have found that happy ending.  But what are the factors that make this ending possible?  I don’t think that there is really a task list to get one of us there, but I do strongly believe that the moment someone meets someone they know. 

I have dated a few..very very very few in the past years of being single that I actually saw a future with.  The others I may have tried to make myself believe that at some point I would feel stronger for them.  This obviously came in the forms of very very  very nice men and very very very mean men.  There were few and far in-between men that did make me throw out every insecurity I have developed.  Its hard for a strong woman or man to be insecure, because of past experiences they have allowed someone to chip at her sweet loving walls.  The walls that were put up in an effort to protect her valuable asset.  With each chip removed, her heart grew bigger, pumped stronger, facilitated breath to her sweet lips, which exhaled tender exhilarations of life.  The walls she never wished or requested but surrounded her with so much strength, that they spoke to her.  They consoled her on hurt evenings and allowed tears which fell with shame from her beautiful face.  Her strength masked a smile to those around her and she had become the ultimate puppet master of her own life.  This in-between moment is what we all seek to find at some point in our lives.  

The in-between moment involves a man or a woman to walk their own path, to climb each stair and climb over mountains to reach an independence that is so exhilarating, that the moment of being whole drives a desire to keep climbing.  But when do we know when to stop?  I don’t know if there is an alarm that will go off, but I can say, that questioning your staircase isn’t the answer.  Keep climbing.  Each stair will get smaller, and eventually, I know we will all reach the top.  And at the top, with arms open wide, we can inhale the happiness of life and love.  Once you reach that point my loves.  Take one step down.  The one you have been waiting for will be waiting for you.  Ultimately, what lies behind us and what lies before are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.