Dear Lover,

Existence in this life is everything a person can hope to achieve. Subsistence in this world allows our souls to travel and grow.  We are blessed with experiences that add to our existence.  Some of these experiences are places, some are careers chosen, and more than often some of these experiences are people. And at the end of the day, we never know when our existence in any of those areas will expire.  The only thing we are sure of is we went into each experience excited.

Excitement because anything new feels good.  It’s like the smell of fresh rain, a newly mowed lawn, or fresh blooming azaleas on a spring day. Everything just looks, tastes, and smells better.  You crave that excitement, and that’s what drives us to dig deeper into each of these occurrences. It feels all so real at the time you are living it.  You can see the future and the goals you’ll need to get there. And your existence in this world is even more now important because you now have something to lose. A fear that drives the existence and not the person living the experience. This is because many of our experience involve sources outside of our control.

So, at times like this, what do you do to let go of something that never fully existed?  Do you simply start over and pretend that it didn’t happen? However, that is easier said than done when your mind and heart still crave that excitement and feelings you felt as the experienced it.  We all know in time that it will get easier to move on, but sometimes, there are experiences, or in my case people that will be much harder to move on from.

And while I tried all I could to show this person how much I cared, little things came up that made him uncomfortable and brought up a past hurt for him.  I can completely understand that fear.  I’ve been there.  But as a whole hearted woman at this point in my life, I can’t understand why it’s easier to walk away from greatness for the fear that one is going to get hurt, but I've been there for much of my life, running and running. Life is full of pain. Of course you'll get hurt, and of course you'll hurt others.  But this is the very condition of existence.  To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. 

Waiting for the right moment is not growth.  It is putting a wall up to prevent life and growth from occurring.  Ultimately, until you find that person or experience that helps you set things apart from the past, you’ll only continue to live there. I have fallen victim to this mindset many times, and I am no saint when it comes from running away instead of working through those fears. 

Maybe what attracted us both was a broken spirit that lived within us.  We could sense the need to rebuild it to fully experience existed. We were both on this road to rebuilding our spirits, however, I think just at different miles.  We were both tired of the same thing over and over again, and craved that excitement a new experience brings.  And like said above, experiences are life and in life there is joy and pain, but you can’t have one without the other. It’s all about the road to creating a new experience together.  And while I fully believe he will believe what comforts his soul to protect his heart I only can request one thing:

Believe you are whole. Don’t ever think you are broken. You simply have a past that has created healthy boundaries for what you believe is important in your seeking of happiness. 

This healthy space may work for a while, but don’t stay there.  Please don’t live there, because if you do you will continue to look for these so-called fears in every woman you meet. Because we all have a past, and it takes time to create a future together. 

Believe and be open to love.  Because there is a woman out there that wants to love and care for you, I know this because I was this woman. 

I request these things of you because they are the very reason I was stuck for so long.  I was stuck because of fear.  It was always just far enough away for me never to get hurt. Never dive in.  Never share my soul.  I knew that I’d never have to give 100% of my heart because I knew that he never wanted it.  I guess looking back now after healing the last couple years, it was a protective measure, much like you have now.

So, this is why it is very important for you to understand how important it is to learn to take a chance at a new experience for your existence, so it ultimately doesn’t creep in like mine did every time something great is happening to you. Because to become present, means accepting the risk of absence.

I wish you so much happiness in life, because knowing you are happy will make me happy. I am simply thankful for your existence, whether I am meant to be a part of it or not. I thank God, he put you in my path because you were a breath of fresh air of what I really want in a man, so thank you for showing me they are around. Until our next existence, enjoy your experiences.

Love,

Turaeza