Forgive me as I haven’t written in quite awhile. I guess in my past when I was faced with adversities before, putting it on paper and counseling myself through a blog helped me understand the lesson. And since I continued to repeat the lessons, I already knew the answer and didn’t feel the need to explore it. Over the years I’ve gained strength to not play into these lessons. While some could claim this a victory, I don’t see it as this. I see it as each lesson has assisted me in building a Dam, to stop the flow of life’s insecurities. Just like the masonry lays each brick, as did I with every experience I had, until a tall strong dam was built, so that no one could get in and hurt me. The flood of past emotions wouldn’t flow or crash thru. This dam is not something I am happy to have, as I used to be more like the river. The current could be strong and I would continuously flow through it as I knew down the riverbed the white caps would soften.
In the recent years I’ve learned to cast my cares to God and know that no matter the strength of the current he will get me through it, and I have no worries to put that dam up towards the higher power when the enemy tries to get me down. However, with personal interactions with people I still do. The only thing I can do is trust God put them in my life for a reason for me to learn from. And I recently learned a lesson from a passing in the last few months I felt like sharing because it still resonates with me. This lesson was in judgement of others. Our society is quick to judge someone by the way they look, their crowd, and or their past. I am guilty of this too. I like to believe I am not superficial, but when it comes down to it, I have judged others. I am not proud of this assertion and I’ll be perfectly honest, the judgment was purely selfish. What would others think? Would I be judged too?
Let me explain, as a people pleaser, I have struggled with this for my entire life. Putting others opinions before mine or what I want or deserve. I’ll admit I’ve gained strength in this area of my life, but I do still struggle from time to time. The concurrence of wanting to please others but wanting what I want clashes at times. In this clash, I have judged and in the end I was judged as well. We portray we are so perfect at times, as we have no issues, and when you do struggle or fall, everyone wants you to hide it. Like its so uncomfortable for them. But then there are some who you feel you can share with without judgement. You may think you can share because you are close, or you share because you know they have struggled as well so you have a commonality.
In the past I did this. Decided to share some struggles I face that very few friends are aware of. And in this decision to share, I opened myself up to learn about someone, and while I was very interested I chose to let the judgement block me from seeing this person for who they possibly could be. I didn’t want to give up, but I couldn’t rationalize how our lives would mesh. The standards I have created for the perfect picture I have in my mind didn’t align. However, when I was with him, I felt calm, warm, and safe. I felt small, and for a moment I could actually be weak. But those feelings, my hidden struggles at the time, didn’t outweigh his past. Over sometime, I learned more about him and started to really let my guard down. While his pursuit was still there, I was dangling by a string. But I decided I wanted to see him again before I cut the string. When I saw him, the warmth came back, the smell of him, and I knew I could let go. Let go of what others thought. This was my life and I was willing to make my own decisions.
In this mere moment, I opened up to him about my struggles, bouts of depression, and anxiety. What I do to subdue feeling helpless. Often wanting to check out and just be numb sometimes. And I admitted I was so tired. So overwhelmed. That I felt like I was in my own box at times not wanting to let anyone in. Stuck in my head and not knowing who to call to help me out of this dark place. I truly believed he would understand since he had his own struggles in life. And while I had been persistent it was him who was not ready, I had finally admitted my reason for not being ready for a relationship. Too which he agreed after hearing what I was experiencing that I was not the one ready. It wasn’t him.
I guess as the other party, that’s somewhat satisfying knowing that you aren’t the problem, and or what you thought their perfect life they portrayed isn’t real. And while I knew that, I shared who I was so he could help me thru it. I don’t let my current flow thru my dam to many people. But I did, because I felt like I met someone who would understand. And while Im sure he did, and there are no hard feelings, as an individual he made a choice to not stay. And unfortunately, the dam is now higher for the next man, because that is my number 1 fear….being abandoned. Being judged for not being perfect all the time. Being left because you have scars left from your past. And it was then I realized I too had been judged. And it hurts. I wonder if this is how he feels when people judge him. If so, I am deeply sorry.
However, in all this, I am thankful for the lesson. And don't get me wrong, I know I am amazing, smart, strong, successful, a great mother, Boss, CEO, etc...but I'm still working on a partner sent by God. So my dam may have gotten a few more bricks added to it, but that’s ok, because I have faith that someone who comes across this dam will treat it like a bridge and lead me across it to the life God has planned for me. Because ultimately if you judge people, you have no time to love them. There is great love for you here. Its up to you to believe it.
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