Fear not your enemy, but the one who said they love you

Fear not your enemy, but the one who said they love you.  As my story tends to go, I opened up my world to someone who over the past five years showed me more pain and sorrow than happiness, and in the end, he confirmed what my friends said he would do for years.  So many times, as I complained about him, they would say, let him go Turaeza, he doesn’t deserve you, and I would agree but something always made me accept his good instead of the bad, and in the end we were like a fire that engulfs itself because it would get to hot.

The more I pulled away over the years, the more he entered into my life.  I tried to escape many times, I dated others, but unfortunately, I had allowed him to become my foundation, and what I would call a my best friend.  It was so easy to do.  He is what I knew. He was my home. He was where I wanted to be. And as hard as I tried to take a new path, my trail always led back to the same place.  A place I knew he would be waiting for me.

For some reason, I thought I was different.  I don’t know why I did.  I thought the act of him never leaving my side was the effort he was able to give at the moment.  While the others (women) came and went, no matter how long they lasted; I was the one he never gave up on.  You see as a little girl whose father died I have a fear of abandonment.  Isn't it so clear that I would hold even tighter onto something that may have hurt at times because at least I knew it would always be there?

I don’t think I will understand my decision throughout all this, or why I thought he was so special.  And I don’t know how I could of let myself believe I was so different when I watched so many hearts get broken over the years. But I’ve always wanted and chosen to see the best in others.  That is a strength and weakness of mine.  And I think that we get to a point in our lives that a circumstance will always appear to show you the true spirit of someone.  The problem is, I think we see it all along, but excuses are often easier to face then letting something go, and having to face the unknown.  Like a blank piece of paper, waiting for you to begin your new story without them in it.   

This lesson was hard.  This lesson will stay with me for my entire life.  This isn’t a story of friendship and love that I lost.  I know I am always writing about relationships or my dating disasters.  This was a lesson of allowing a mediocre friendship/love impersonate what it is like to truly feel something and to experience what the epitome of loss feels like.  This was a lesson of ultimate cowardice.  And finally, this was a lesson of being the easy way out.  You see what I realized when I allowed the anger to subside is he wasn’t always there when I did not or did need him, nor did he never leave me.  In hindsight, he never really was there.  It was I that never left him.  I allowed him to come back when he couldn't face the reality of life.  I was the one who held on.  And I am the one who let go and walked away.  But in this I gained something only my heart knows and will cherish until I die, and I have now accepted it is time to find something not to walk away from. 

So here is to the ones out there who have been hurt.  You are not victims.  You are fighters, warriors, survivors.  Do not allow the actions of one become the bitterness of your future.  Take each punch with a grain assault, feel the pain, cry your eyes out, and get the hell back up and press.  Press for the life you know you deserve.  Ultimately, the only reason you experienced this pain is to help someone else out, recognize the actions so it doesn't occur again, or to truly value the actions of someone who treat you amazing when you find them.  Isn't it always that way. The one's who love the hardest or appreciate life's gifts are the ones who know what pain truly feels like or know what it's like to have nothing at all.  But in this lesson, I choose to smile and find happiness, and I hope you can too.