If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary

At some point in our lives we must choose a foolish road and completely set what we have learned and experienced to the side.  I always get so perplexed when I hear someone say they settled for someone of something.  Perhaps because I know I am not an average woman and I am far from basic.  Therefore, I have always felt that when the right person comes along they should be just as strong and successful as I. Which on more than one occasion, has never ended great for me.  However, I choose not to wallow in what I didn’t get out of it, as I know meeting them was never for me.

There are many times we come across individuals who are placed in our life for a small time or a reason.  We tend to grasp to those experiences, because when we are faced with being alone, we must face the fact that once again we failed.  And in failing, did we really fail or did we simply not accept settling for something that was never intended to be in our life as a permanent situation.  But why does it hurt every time we ask ourselves?

I will tell you, I AM SO FUCKING tired of sharing my story.  Telling people my tale.  Explaining how I grew up, what experiences in life have made me who I am today.  This is why being alone sucks, but what sucks more is sharing a piece of your heart with someone and letting them into your history so that they can take all this information, let it go in one ear…Enjoy you for a moment…and then move on to something easier.  And like I have told many women and men, we once again place the blames on ourselves.

It really is a vicious cycle.  I met a man awhile back and when I tell you he laid out his life history in a resume, he DID.  You know what I am talking about right?  You can grasp what a man wants from you based on what he shares with you.  Most men do not want to go into detail about their upbringings, what they want in life, where they want to retire, etc, unless they see something where you could possibly be a part of it.  This is the case of a resume.  And women...We do the same thing.  We talk to please the conversation and not simply to share our general feelings on a subject.  Do you see what you are doing here?  You are SETTLING!  But are you doing it for the greater good? Hmm…

The crazy thing is you don’t care that you are settling when you do this, because you are selling your resume.  Hoping they like what is put before them and will hire you on to their team of life.

So anyhow, this guy sells me his resume and would simply fall off the face of the earth.  Then when or if I saw him again and blow him off, the conversation would go full circle again.  Learning more about each other’s wants in life.  Sharing very personal upbringings and discussing your future lives plans.  Then again…falls off the face of the earth, until repeat 3, 4, 5.  And while this would normally be very easy for me to brush off, I didn't this time. 

In my heart, I wanted to feel what it was like to just be completely vulnerable.  Put it all out there.  I felt that maybe this time I should put the cold heart, the hard mind to the side and just melt into the thought of a possibility.  And I never saw it as settling, or losing myself, my strength, never for a moment.  I truly believed in my heart that there was a reason for me to choose being a fool for love than a strong independent woman who fears hurt and rejection. 

My settling, my choice to be a fool for an imaginary possibility. 

Well it didn't go anywhere except for complete silence. And while I felt a bit of pain, I couldn't help but smile.  Smile for two reasons.  One, I knew it wasn't me.  I still knew I was amazing even with the rejection.  And two, because it woke me up to the fact that sometimes settling is not such a bad thing.  Sometimes it is just a moment when you realize that everything this person has or has endured is something you can see your life supporting and loving.  And that is not a bad thing at all.  It is just a moment and person you could see settling in life with.  To feel completely accepted and loved without reason.  And ultimately if I can find that with someone again, I would be ecstatic risk the unusual to settle for love and not ordinary.