Have I Simply been Searching for Security?

When you quit trying to please, you realize the benefits of knowing now in your thirties what you didn’t in your twenties, looking at yourself and knowing your life is full without the presence of another person, surrounding yourself with positive interactions and distancing yourself from the negative, appreciating your true beauty regardless of what others think of you, and understanding that what others think of you or expect of you does not determine who you are, what you will be, or what lies in your future.  Only what you think of yourself will determine this.  Now, being a people pleaser most of my life, I really have to think on this one. Why do I do the things I do and why does it hurt me so when I disappoint those whose opinions really matter to me?  And honestly, people I don’t even care about still hurt me if I think they think negatively of me.  There are a few reasons for this.

One I am a genuine person.  I know my actions are true and I do the things I do because it makes me feel good to do them. Now over the years of not getting back from people, I have drawn back on what and how much I give.  I am more honest, and try not to avoid what I feel or confronting those feelings.  At the same time, I also avoid drama.  I could count on one hand of people that have truly given as much as I have towards a friendship.  This isn’t a fail on my other friends though, it all boils down to how you are brought up.  Which leads me to my next point and or question? What is it that makes someone a people pleasing person? What are you truly seeking when you love making people happy?  Ultimately, my goal is to not associate a negative connotation to making those you care about happy, but I think there is a vast difference in people who do just to do, and people who do to please.

I heard a saying today that made me think…It went…”You only please because you want people to love you”.  Wow…that made me think.  Is there something that I am lacking that I have been trying to make up for all these years?  I was raised in an unconventional environment.  Spent a lot of time at bars from the time I was 7-12 years old.  I remember sitting after school and waiting, eating Red Barron pizza and Shirley Temples.  My favorite songs on the juke box were Happy Birthday and Mamma Don’t Let your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys.  I think during this time in my life I struggled for a secure home front.  I would walk 5 miles down a mountain by myself to attend summer school at church, hitchhike rides back up the mountain home.  I remember brushing my hair with a fork when I could not find a brush, and I thank my Dad’s side for great teeth, because honestly I don’t remember brushing them at all.  The struggles we face make us who we are, I can attest to that.  And even though I struggled young I have succeeded older.  But that doesn’t clean the skeletons in your closets.  What you missed out on and you are trying to find when you are an adult. 

So in pleasing and loving the only way I knew how is to give more to people then I would get back.  I gave my childhood for the happiness of others.  I grew up way before my time, and it is all that I know. Give to Others. For me personally, I don’t think it has to do with me not feeling loved, as I know my mother loved me, but I think I have been searching for security.  And often I would please to create a secure structured environment.  If that is a relationship, I was trying to establish a foundation to grow on, if that was work; I was trying to create continuity for others to have.  Security is all I have wanted and I have continued to work for.  I believe I truly associate Love with Security. Thus, I don’t know if I please to feel love, or more or less to create a solid foundation of something I envision to be “structured” in my eyes. 

We are all individuals and our upbringings are the foundation of our personalities.  I would suggest instead of asking what is wrong, you continue to pursue what you have done.  They say Practice makes Perfect, But I believe you shouldn’t strive for Perfection; You should Simply Strive for Progress.

The FIVE P’s of life...Purpose, Positivity & Pain, Pleasure, and lastly Pleasing

What drives you to make you who you are? The five P’s I have mentioned are my personal agenda.  I’m sure they have something to do with the way I was raised and what has ultimately made me who I am today.  You might have your own set of P’s or maybe A’s or maybe even Z’s.  Whatever words it boils down to, understanding you is all it takes for you to Be Present in Life and to learn to move on. Evaluating and understanding why you act a certain way is what path needs to be taken to keep trekking.  Let’s evaluate my five P’s and see if you can learn from mine.

PURPOSE: We all have a purpose here on this earth.  Each interaction we have with one person is also not a coincidence.  We are placed in these circumstances to take lives lesson and learn from them.  Our purpose is what we decide it is to be.  You can accept the fact you were raised in a drug invested environment on welfare and say to yourself “I have no chance of succeeding in life, this is all I know”.  Or you can grab LIFE by the tail and say, “NO! This is my life, my chance, to make something of myself!”  You may succeed and fail many times over during this quest, but ultimately it is up to you when you stop trying.  Trust in LIFE and your path, and that you would never be challenged with a situation that God didn’t think you could handle.  It may be something that crushes you, but if you learned from it, maybe that is what you needed to handle at that moment to put you in your next position of life.  Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness.  It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

POSITIVITY & PAIN: This is something we have all experienced.  Life isn’t life without some sort of pain.  It is one of the most disheartening feelings that our brain registers.  And when you can feel these brain waves down to your heart, then you know it is real.  There are many sources of pain.  Physical, Emotional, Spiritual, and Therapeutic; in my experience of course… and the funny thing is…one of the other types of pain can often help you counter balance the feelings you feel towards a particular subject.  Pain, although hurts, often fades over time and you are able to move on with a new purpose.  The important thing to remember is pain is only temporary and soon you will find something that will allow you to move on and forget what caused the pain in the first place.  Being Present and Positive is the best way to contradict the pain you are feeling. Being positive doesn’t mean you kid yourself that all things are great when you know they aren’t, it simply means to stay focused on the positive and keep creating you’re life the way you see it in your dreams.  I’d like to share some great words with you by a Dr. Peale:  “The person with the Positive Mental Attitude transforms stress into grace and picks the path to a successful outcome while others get lost in the forest of obstacles and pitfalls.  This is the real Power of Positive Thinking, the power to make the most out of every situation and to take action while others stand still explaining why it can’t be done.”

PLEASURE: Defining what is good or bad often is determined in your current environment.  It is what you or your surroundings establish to be moral or your personal virtues.  So if you know that something is wrong in a sense, why do you continue to pursue it?  In ancient Greek times they called this Akrasia.  This is when an individual decides that a certain course of action would be best for him and then acts against his own judgment.  I think pleasure is a derivative of desire and sometimes your desire for a particular goal or even a person is more powerful and can lead us against our better judgment.  I have been in this position over my lifetime, and ultimately I know that this is something that comes along with a passionate strong person.  You see, when you are strong you will go for what you want, what you see as your goal.  You don’t take into account the liabilities of a situation, because you allowed yourself to have tunnel vision.  You can’t change what you are passionate about but you can know that you act in this sense and put that flag up when you see a situation that may not be beneficial.  Know that not every goal is worth pursuing and act accordingly within your virtues.  However, I like to view pleasure as something that is Positive. I have heard in passing, when something is no longer fun, quit doing it.  So therefore, when you find no pleasure in what you do, I challenge you to find things that do give you pleasure.  The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you.  If you do that, you’re in control of your life.  If you don’t, life controls you.

PLEASING: I am naturally a people pleasing person.  I love making people happy and smile.  Don’t get me wrong, I won’t do things that I don’t want to do because someone wants me to do it. I know the difference between being used and being appreciated.  But I don’t hold back when I know that I am the reason a person is smiling.  This surrounds me, personally and professionally.  I love giving back.  I think it has to do a lot with being raised with nothing really.  I give not because I can, but because I know what it’s like to have nothing.  I am a great leader, because I know what it’s like not to have a mentor.  I am a great friend, because I have lost many over the years.  I am a great partner, because I feel there is someone who will make you smile uncontrollably and you shouldn’t let them go.  I am a great Airman, because I embrace individuality and diversity and know that these are the strengths our Air Force needs to move forward.  Any business owner knows that with time and generational changes, the times for change need to change as well.  If you take care of your people, your people will take care of you. Remember change is the way of life.  Those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

Open your eyes, look within…Are you satisfied with the life you are living? 

Be Royal in your Own Fashion: Act like a Queen to be treated like One

Are you letting go of the past to move into the future.  What does this take? For many people, they rely on someone else to help them cross this stage in their life.  Loneliness and insecurity are major reasons for this, but many times in the end, they end up alone.  The person they wanted to help them thru the process often makes false promises and is not there for you or what you thought would happen.  This is why I encourage folks to really make a decision on their own, really know what you want to do and do it.  I say this from experience.  You see when I was in my early 20’s I met a man who I thought walked the earth.  Many of the things I loved about him were his drive, strength, and his solitude of home life.  He was the father of two young girls and loved them very much.  I don’t know if the attraction to him was fatherly, because I never grew up with a Dad or if we really ever had anything in common.  My point is he became an unknown to me.  This ultimately lingered in the back of my mind during future relationships and ruined all of them.  I let this man, who could never be mine, rule my heart for over 12 years.  When I went thru my divorce, I was able to finally let him go.  He wasn’t there for me in the end and that was a shocking realization, as he was my “What might have been”. 

We all want a fairy tale ending, but sometimes it takes self reflection to know that you are the storyteller of your own tale.  This takes time and much heartbreak to understand this.  When I hit the dating field again, I dated all types of guys.  Younger, older, spoiled, players, un-employed, and broken.  What I didn’t realize at that time was I was writing my story as I always knew it before.  I accepted the bad before the good and dealt with a lot of Bullsh*T.  I should have walked away at the first signs but I didn’t know how.  You see when the environment you are raised in develops a portion of your personality.  Therefore, you let love the way you learned love.  If you are raised in an unloving, unstable, abusive, emotionally unavailable, jeeez I could go on forever, type of love, then you will stay on that “Rat Wheel” and keep spinning, until you realize it is time to GET THE HELL OFF.

*Note: Remember you write your own tale.

Self evaluation is now imperative.  Don’t think because you gained the strength to walk away from one partner you have the strength to do it every time.  Yes, lessons are learned but ultimately you have to re-evaluate each new person you choose to share a part of your life with.  Love is like an addiction, much like a drug.  Even though you don’t like how it may make you feel, you will tend to make the same choices over and over again. Why is this? The answer is simple…Humans are creatures of habit.  Aristotle said it best, “People like to feel a sense of security and one should try to establish simple mechanisms to accomplish the desired actions in your efforts. Keep things consistent and universal. This is especially helpful with return visitors. By establishing simple routes along the journey to your call-to-action you increase the likelihood of visitors engaging in activities from a habitual response to familiar territory. Okay maybe that definition isn’t simple at all.  But the point is we tend to follow was we know is familiar.

So as I grow in Love, I set my standards higher, knowing I am writing my own future, at some point I realize, I am still doing the same thing I have always done.  I even created another “What might have been” with another man this past year.  Except now this time, he has the choice to be with me.  The ULTIMATE issue of not being with either is both “What Might of Beens” I have created all boil down to timing.  The habit is reoccurring because I had allowed it.  We tend to make excuses of why this one is different and we tell ourselves this is our destiny.  Do you really think we were created to not live an ultimately happy life?  Do you have faith in the source to believe in timing?  What I have learned from my “What Might of Beens” is this.  They were put in my life for a reason, and maybe they are not a part of my destiny but a mere step to Happiness.  This does not mean I don’t love them any less as they are a part of my Past. And I am thankful, because they showed me that if someone wants to be a part of my life they will make the time.  It is one more lesson to put in my pocket.  I don’t doubt they loved me as well, but I am not part of their destiny at this time, and I wouldn’t recommend thinking about what the future holds.  The only time you should focus on later down the road, is if you are a main player in their life right now.  Sometimes being in someone’s life means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and a time to allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And at the time, if you feel it is awarded, a time to assist picking up the pieces when it's all over.

You alone determine your destiny.  If you are not doing this, then you are simply allowing yourself to be an Option in life.  And in my experience, my options always come in relationships.  I fail to recognize my strength for a little time. But I always end up finding it.  And for each experience, that person is in my life for shorter and shorter amounts of times.  Until I ultimately CUT them out.  We are too amazing to ever be an option to someone, because we might be the One to another.  The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated.  One of my favorite quotes is “Treat me like a queen and I’ll treat you like a king; treat me like a game and I’ll show you how it’s played.” I have officially taken my heart off my sleeve, if I’m talking to someone now; they show me the attention I desire.  And in the end, if they don’t, well they aren’t a part of my life.  In the long run, how you allow people to treat you is what determines if they respect or disrespect you.  For a Queen respects herself and inspires the same sentiment in others.  By acting confident of your powers, you are truly wearing a crown.

As one person I cannot change the world, but I can change the world of one person..Myself

In commemoration of women’s equality day, which was my yesterday by the way, but I was too busy, deployed thousands of miles away from my two children that I raise in an independent household, working on my Master’s degree homework, facilitating my overall success, to truly appreciate where we were to where we are now.  In the past 100 years or so, women have not only proved we can do it on our own, but more than often want to do it on our own.  We no longer rely on our partners to bring home the bacon, and provide for our families.  To me this is a sad realization.  Call me old fashioned, but the ability to know that I could depend on someone is something I have never experienced, and I look forward to the day that a Man gives me this.  My dependency is not what every woman would want, and can be defined in much different roles.  I am handful, so staying home for me is not an option.  But my partner would understand this and give me that balance I long for. Now don’t get me wrong, I am very appreciative that I have a voice, and I have the opportunity for success, and in a perfect world Women are “equal” when compared to a man.  As I walk around downtown here and see women completely covered head to toe out of respect to their husband and religion, I am so thankful I was born in Palo Alto California. Many women before us endured pain and suffering to get where we are now.  Think…Just 80 years ago a woman could not vote, could not get a divorce without being castrated from society, and could not even think to raise to the position a man would in his lifetime.

The ceiling has officially been cracked, yet, what many don’t see, or possibly don’t care to see, is it still looms over us.  That doesn’t slow us down, nor should it. Oh No, but it does bring a bias that a man does not experience, nor never will understand.  I state these reasons, so if it ever crosses your mind, you can check yourself and carefully evaluate that a successful PERSON, did it on their own and not because of their looks or who they know and their Gender. It is 2012, and a woman has to work her tail off to get the same respect that a man can get and you will always be judged because that is society.  If you are strong and opinionated, you are chasing an award, a rank, a position, or merely kissing your way to the top.  This is so absurd.  When a man does this he is merely great at what he does.  However my leadership style does not focus on the problem.  LETS BRING ON THE SOLUTION…You need to know you…If you know what you do is truly genuine, then it doesn’t matter what someone thinks of you. Continue to do you…Because in the end, you will reap the benefits when it is time. 

So when evaluating the SOLUTION and not the PROBLEM, the first thing we must do is not allow ourselves to think that EVERYONE thinks that our successes are because we are a woman.  Take out your looks, take out what you have done, and take out what people think about you.  You are successful because what you put forth in today’s Market, Air Force, and your home life.  Success can be defined differently, and we are all successful in one way or another.  If you are a stay at home mom, you are successful, if you are married and you and your partner care for your family you are successful.  If you are single and working your tail off you are successful. Don’t let another person’s perceptions of your lifestyle choice define your success. Only how you view yourself is what matters.

Ultimately, my last pieces of advice for you are Be Yourself and know your self-worth.  When you decide to put yourself out there, you will experience judgment, but what you need to be secure with is how you are putting yourself out there, and how does it benefit you or the others around you. We are all uniquely beautiful and this will be noticed.  Sometimes, it’s your outer appearance, sometimes it’s what is on the inside. But no matter what, someone appreciates it.  Don’t let it be your crutch.  Don’t pull back because you are afraid that someone is judging you for it. You will always be judged.  I leave you with these thoughts…Remember never let anyone make you feel less and low because no one has the right to do so.  People will always point out your faults, and hesitate to point out your attributes. You were born to be real, not to be perfect. You're here to be you, not to be what someone else wants you to be. Stand up for yourself, look them in the eye, and say Don't judge me until you know me, don't underestimate me until you've challenged me, and don't talk about me until you've talked to me. And lastly…Be Yourself, everyone else is taken

Gotta have F8th, da F8th, da F8tha!

 

Once upon a time, a beautiful woman learned what its like to have F8th...

“I am a victim of my own optimism”…Have I felt this...Yes..This is a deep realization once you feel the words and apply this to your life and your choices.  I have made some drastic changes in my life in order to see things more clearly, and I have to say this is the first time I actually feel AMAZING being me.  I seek no confirmation from anyone to make me feel whole, and I think the best part of what I have learned is that it is a privilege to be in my life, as I am a great friend, partner, and lover to those I love. The trip to happiness has not been an easy one at all. And I think it is amazing that I now meet people and see myself in them.  I feed them the same advice friends have fed me, but I know they won’t change until they are ready.  As we are creatures of habit, it takes being knocked down or hurt to learn and move forward.  Sometimes, we will go right back to it, and other times we will be strong enough to walk away, and ultimately we learn that all it takes is to have a little F8th. Simple steps to self worth but we all must walk before we can run.

Forgive First! There is no sense holding onto something that makes you feel bad. You either need to be strong enough to walk away from this person or you need to forgive them and move on. All holding onto something does is makes you think about it more, this will often change your attitude, and you will be hurt for longer periods.

Be Honest! If someone hurts you, tells them. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind.  Only those that don’t really deserve you will walk away when you tell them your feelings. I am very honest now, with what I want in life, what I think about things, and how I feel if something happens to me.  I have learned that when we are not honest, that is when we tend to let things build and get angry.

Don’t Assume! When you don’t make an assumption about something, you do not have to worry about the top two items. Instead of being honest and asking and then getting upset and forgiving, we tend to avoid the conflict assume our own idea of the situation. Don’t read into things….Be still! When you don’t know what to do, just be!

Don’t Expect! To not expect an outcome, I think you need grab life as you have it now and LIVE. I don’t know why we tend to look so far into our future.  I once was terrible at this and this caused me to fall in love fast and set unrealistic expectations for my partners.  I could see their unlimited potential and wanted to be able to enhance their drive.  What we don’t realize is it has to be your Journey and no one else’s.  You see when you see someone’s unlimited potential you are setting a mark for them to reach and or not reach.  You are not allowing them or yourself to be present, because ultimately if they don’t meet it, they failed, and you now are focusing on the negative attributes of life.

Be Present! What does it take to take a deep breath and simply live in the moment. Why do we feel we need an answer to everything? There is something very serene to not having answers. I often feel numb. It’s not that I don’t have feelings nor that I don’t have a heart. Oh my..my friends can attest I am one of the most emotional people around. BUT…you need to take your heart off your sleeve and lock it in your chest where it belongs. When the person who deserves to get it comes into your life, they will have the strength and dedication to unlock it and simply love you for you. Life is too short to be caught up in nonsense, so try to not waste your time in the past or future. If you tend to take your travels in the time machine, you are missing the wonderful present!

Be Positive! Thinking positive thoughts helps you gauge what is important in your life, and you will always walk around with a smile. Why tear yourself apart when you really don’t have all the answers, and if you really want the answers then ask. The power of positive thinking reminds the ego how wonderful you truly are. Positivity radiates and keeps your mind in a state of balance. Learn to shift your thoughts and find the lesson when things occur in your life.  Inventory your memories, and don’t compare yourself to anyone. 

Lastly, BE YOU! We are born unique, yet we try to blend into our culture, careers, or what others think or want of us.  There is nothing wrong with this, as long you don’t lose yourself in the process.  Do what you want to do, if you don’t like your job, quit and find one you love.  If you are unhappy in a relationship, leave and find someone who deserves you.  If you are unhappy with your looks, do something about it.  No matter what we are all perfectly imperfect!

Remember IT’s YOUR JOURNEY…For everything in this journey of life we are on, there is a yen and a yang: for the yen of love there is anger; for the yang of destiny there is fear; for the yen of pain there is healing; for the yang of hurt there is forgiveness; for the yen of pride there is humility; for the yang of giving there is taking; for the yen of tears there is joy; for the yang of rejection there is acceptance; for the yen of judgment there is grace; for the yang of honor there is shame; for the yen of letting go there is the yang  of keeping. Have F8th for your Journey is yours and no one elses...

Unconditional Love does not Measure...It just Gives!

Unconditional Love…a form of love I didn’t think existed except between you and your children.  The day I had my children, although I had no clue on how to be a Mom, the moment they were born, I had an undying love for them.  I knew I would give my life for them if it ever came.  Waking up in the middle of the night, getting peed on, and tantrums never changed how I felt for them.  It makes me wonder that if you can feel this for your child, why you can’t feel this for your partner.  How many people out there believe in love at first sight? Or how many couples truly put their relationship first once you have children.  I think a big problem when people get married is they don’t know how to balance all the hats they are forced to wear.  When I had my children, I was a wife, a new mother, an Airman, a supervisor, a friend, a sister, and a daughter.  I was forced to wear all these hats with little experience, and it seemed that they just kept adding up.  Until…in the end you ultimately forget who you really are.  You forget the biggest hat to wear and that is yourself.  Finding yourself is a task.  I have learned you can’t just erase one of these many hats and TADAAA you are back! Nope, you are even more lost, because what you have identified with for so long is no longer there, and like a puzzle it takes time to put yourself back together again.

During this period of finding yourself, you will experience many emotions.  Not sure how to handle the new people in your life.  Learning that not everyone will give you what you are used to getting from a real relationship. And ultimately, judging how much you are willing to give on your behalf again without repeating the vicious cycle you were in.  But once you get there, to a point where you find your happiness again, know what you want, and are willing to get it. Do you believe that you can experience unconditional love for your partner? And what is it you want from them? Do you want a best friend? Are you looking for a provider? Do you want someone who enhances yourself and lets you be you? Do you have the same interests? Can you talk about anything? Will they let you cry when you need to cry, and sit and not judge you? The reason I ask these questions is because every day we all share picture images on FACEBOOK about what we want or what we haven’t been given and many quotes are based off these questions. But my question to you today is Do you believe you are entitled to unconditional love? Because if you don’t believe then you will never find it.

I didn’t used to believe in unconditional love with a partner.  I felt that that was a love that had to be nurtured, groomed, changes over time, and eventually, might fade away.  And it’s not so much that I believe in it now, but my view on it has changed.  When I find that person to love unconditionally, I know now that it’s not what they do that makes me love them less, however it is what I am looking for.  If I sit and concentrate on the negative things, ultimately that is what I will get in the end......An unloving relationship. 

I have the power to adjust my vision and ultimately my future.  You create your own reality.  In the beginning, relationships are normally very good, because we are focused on the good and what we want to see.  But over time, we begin to notice things we do not want, and in turn are given this.  When we believe we can’t have everything in a relationship, we tend to settle for a relationship where we are not getting everything we want.  Sometimes until you become part of a relationship you do not want, you are not really clear about what you really do like.  Thus people choose not to believe they can have everything they want.  So we tend to put up with stuff we really do not want.  However, in this, you attract relationships that satisfy some of your wants, but not others.  And later in the relationship you discover that those minor qualities were very important, and the lack of having them satisfied leaves you feeling empty. 

Unconditional love can be achieved if you believe.  Choose not to see the negative emotion, because if that is your focus, that is what you shall receive.  It is not your partner’s fault that you are seeing what is negative emotions. It takes you paying attention to what you are wanting. Appreciate SELF! Be selfish!  Is the word “self” not within the word selfish?  Allow yourself to feel positive emotions and you shall feel unconditional love. There is great love for you here.

MURPHY's Mentorship

When you are needed, it is time you take that thinking cap off and jump to the rescue of your Airmen.  It is an utmost privilege for an Airman to ask you for advice, more or less consider you a mentor.  A mentor is different in everyone’s eyes, and it is most definitely not something you would deem yourself.  It is defined as a wise and trusted counselor and teacher; an influential sponsor or supporter.  Now, although I have self-doubt in my personal life sometimes, I can say without reason I am Sh*t Hot in my professional life.  Although we experience the same things in both realms, when we think with our Heart and or our Mind, we can come to different conclusions on how we handle a situation.

So let’s begin with some mentorship.  Respect from a person is something that is earned not given.  You wear the rank on your arms, to not only direct the mission, but because you earned that status.  Set your standards high and hold your Airmen accountable when they are not meeting them.  They may not understand at the time, and you may not have very many friends, but in the end, they will appreciate you later.  Unfortunately, you have no choice of your supervisor.  Sometimes, more often than not, it is someone who you learn from both positively and negatively.  But isn’t that life?  Learning from what we experience.  We tend to hold onto those values, and lead with them.  Why is that? Well bottom-line, it is passion.  When you feel passionate about a subject, your job, your subordinates, you are more likely to defend the issue.  If you are this Passionate Supervisor, spread your wealth to the best of your abilities.  But know, you can’t allow yourself to spread yourself to thin.  You can’t solve everyone’s problem, and my biggest lesson to offer is you can’t fall on every sword.

In any profession you have leaders and followers, and leaders can take place in many forms.  They can be honest leaders, self-righteous leaders, silent leaders, etc.  If you are a leader, I ask you carefully evaluate what type of leader are you?  Develop upon that type of leadership style, and ultimately take care of your Airmen.  For example, I would hope you never become a self-righteous leader, but if you are, then at least take care of your Airmen as you step on others to get where you want to be.  But if you a stand in the front leader, I am going to lead type of leader, then know you will always Battle Mountains.  I am unsure why this always is, but others are very insecure when they see someone that is doing something they are unable to do.  One of my favorite mottos is, “If you’re talking more about me than yourself, than obviously I am doing something right.” 

I have also learned that you can confront problems head on, and the situation does not diffuse but only gets worse, so that is why I suggest you pick your battles wisely.  A problem leaders have is over burdening our other leaders.  We lean on Airmen who we know will get the job done.  Why is that you ask? Well because the mission needs to get done, and the operations tempo is so high often, unfortunately we don’t have the time to get out and coach.  How can you change this trend? MENTOR your NCO’s.  When you get to a status where you are able to do this, empower your personnel and rate them accordingly when it comes to their evaluations.  If they don’t measure up they are not a 5.  Like I tell my Airmen, there is nothing wrong with being Average, a 3 isn’t a bad thing.  If you come to work and do your job, then you are average.

Now my advice is going to be a struggle for my younger Airmen (Capital A’s).  I know, because I write from experience.  Experience of being treated unfairly, getting sick of it, and going to my Chief to handle the situation.  Did it ever really help? No I don’t think so.  It just created more conflict in the workplace.  So I would recommend that you analyze the situation clearly.  If it is something that is affecting you, communicate the problem.  Explain to your supervisor, you are over burdened and although you would love to take on that project, you don’t have the time.  Document every time they ask you to do something and what happened to protect yourself, because there are some leaders out there that will get offended by you taking care of yourself and try to use it against you.  Secondly, don’t get caught up in the drama.  Go in, do your job, lead with pride, smile with confidence, and you will be okay.

Another issue I have seen is shadiness in the workplace.  Personnel throwing each other under the bus, and or gossiping.  I recommend you handle this swiftly if it deals with your subordinates, and always with a witness.  Give a verbal warning first, and document thereafter.  If the person is willing to go further with it, you have witnesses and documentation to back you. And if your leadership still doesn’t support you, well, you may have to swallow the experience and just move on.  Even as a SNCO, I get knocked down sometimes. 

My last advice, is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY FIRST!  Work within your limits and never take your work home.  If you had laundry to do, would you bring it to work? NO…so leave it at the door.  Your home is your solitude. Let it be such.  Don’t spread yourself to thing, and NEVER, NEVER, try to change yourself for someone else.  You won’t succeed, because you were born that way.  If you are motivated, stay that way, in the end, it will pay off.

HUA! Out….