When your heart breaks... Remember you're not the one walking in shame

When he chose to let go, I believed I was the one who had lost.

As the minutes, hours and days passed, I came to realize that I was looking at a picture he had painted for me. The vibrant colors that once stained the canvas were beginning to fade. The moment I began to paint for myself again, my soul and heart began to flourish.

I had not lost him; it was he who had lost me.

He saw the broken spirit within me that I was working hard to rebuild. He was drawn to the passionate energy I was, unknowingly, pouring out all over the place. He was on the same journey but was tired of doing it on his own. The difference between the two of us was that I would have continued to fix myself; I never seeked out others to do a job best done on my own.

I bravely took his hand, trusting that he would do his best to love me, that he would do his best to give me what I needed in return. I was under the illusion that this was the agreement we had come to.

I soon came to see that he loved me, solely, for what I was able to give. I continued to fill up his tank with my love, energy and passion, but every time I would come to him for mine, he never had any to give. My tank eventually ran dry and, instead of trying to find a way to fill it, he chose to move on to another that was already full.

It was he who had forfeited.

For me, his exit was the open door back to where I had left off. A door that was now open wider than it had been before.

For him, it was a tragic love story he chose to write.

He will miss me.

He will miss me because my love was deep, genuine and pure.

He will miss me because my default listening mode was without judgement.

He will miss me because I wanted to learn him; he was my favorite subject.

He will miss the way I could bring a sense of lightness to anything I deemed too serious.

He will miss the way I touched him with purpose and never anything less.

He will miss the way I would sometimes speak to him with everything other than words.

He will miss the way I was able to see the optimism when it seemed impossible to find.

He will miss my welcoming smile that awaited him at the end of every day.

He will miss my gentle touch that eased him into every morning.

He will miss my contagious curiosity and need to wonder.

He will miss my light that I could shine into his darkness.

He will miss me. 

If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary

At some point in our lives we must choose a foolish road and completely set what we have learned and experienced to the side.  I always get so perplexed when I hear someone say they settled for someone of something.  Perhaps because I know I am not an average woman and I am far from basic.  Therefore, I have always felt that when the right person comes along they should be just as strong and successful as I. Which on more than one occasion, has never ended great for me.  However, I choose not to wallow in what I didn’t get out of it, as I know meeting them was never for me.

There are many times we come across individuals who are placed in our life for a small time or a reason.  We tend to grasp to those experiences, because when we are faced with being alone, we must face the fact that once again we failed.  And in failing, did we really fail or did we simply not accept settling for something that was never intended to be in our life as a permanent situation.  But why does it hurt every time we ask ourselves?

I will tell you, I AM SO FUCKING tired of sharing my story.  Telling people my tale.  Explaining how I grew up, what experiences in life have made me who I am today.  This is why being alone sucks, but what sucks more is sharing a piece of your heart with someone and letting them into your history so that they can take all this information, let it go in one ear…Enjoy you for a moment…and then move on to something easier.  And like I have told many women and men, we once again place the blames on ourselves.

It really is a vicious cycle.  I met a man awhile back and when I tell you he laid out his life history in a resume, he DID.  You know what I am talking about right?  You can grasp what a man wants from you based on what he shares with you.  Most men do not want to go into detail about their upbringings, what they want in life, where they want to retire, etc, unless they see something where you could possibly be a part of it.  This is the case of a resume.  And women...We do the same thing.  We talk to please the conversation and not simply to share our general feelings on a subject.  Do you see what you are doing here?  You are SETTLING!  But are you doing it for the greater good? Hmm…

The crazy thing is you don’t care that you are settling when you do this, because you are selling your resume.  Hoping they like what is put before them and will hire you on to their team of life.

So anyhow, this guy sells me his resume and would simply fall off the face of the earth.  Then when or if I saw him again and blow him off, the conversation would go full circle again.  Learning more about each other’s wants in life.  Sharing very personal upbringings and discussing your future lives plans.  Then again…falls off the face of the earth, until repeat 3, 4, 5.  And while this would normally be very easy for me to brush off, I didn't this time. 

In my heart, I wanted to feel what it was like to just be completely vulnerable.  Put it all out there.  I felt that maybe this time I should put the cold heart, the hard mind to the side and just melt into the thought of a possibility.  And I never saw it as settling, or losing myself, my strength, never for a moment.  I truly believed in my heart that there was a reason for me to choose being a fool for love than a strong independent woman who fears hurt and rejection. 

My settling, my choice to be a fool for an imaginary possibility. 

Well it didn't go anywhere except for complete silence. And while I felt a bit of pain, I couldn't help but smile.  Smile for two reasons.  One, I knew it wasn't me.  I still knew I was amazing even with the rejection.  And two, because it woke me up to the fact that sometimes settling is not such a bad thing.  Sometimes it is just a moment when you realize that everything this person has or has endured is something you can see your life supporting and loving.  And that is not a bad thing at all.  It is just a moment and person you could see settling in life with.  To feel completely accepted and loved without reason.  And ultimately if I can find that with someone again, I would be ecstatic risk the unusual to settle for love and not ordinary.

Rose in No Man's Land

A Rose in No Man’s Land

Typically in historical times, the conventional mindset was war is a man’s fight.  However, there are more than 250 documented cases of women who served in the ranks of both the Union and Confederate armies dressed as men, an act at once rebellious and patriotic, using this usurped male social identity to claim full status as citizens of their nation and access male independence in an age when neither was available to women.  These sacrifices were at times patriotic, and at other times were out of love to remain close to their husbands.  These amazing women encountered intolerable conditions to change a society of suffrage and to give us the rights we are afforded to at this moment.  And to date, the total numbers of women who serve in the Department of Defense only make up approximately 14.5% of the total force. 

As a proud woman serving for almost two decades in the Air Force, I have come across a variety of women serving.  I would tell all who read this to never judge a book by its cover.  Treat a woman as an individual first, and allow them the opportunity to prove their dedication to the mission.  Being a girly girl myself, I have been misjudged many times over my career.  And of all that have been honest with me later on about judgment, told me that they judged me first on gender and personality and after I had earned their respect for my leadership and professionalism, exclaimed they would stand behind me any day in any battle.  I tell you this because it is honest, and many times we avoid honest facts as to not offend another individual.  I say instead of fearing judgments, be yourself, embrace your personality and characteristics you were born with, and show all those who work with you or for you what a “Jet Packing” lady looks like.

I know it’s not easy.  Our lives upbringings often dictate our behaviors and mentalities on many subjects.  Personally working with a “tribe” of women on the USAFE Inspector General, I have personally seen how many women adapt to the environment they work in to achieve success due to working in a male dominated career field. While I know this is a norm, I would preach to the young women in the Armed Forces to embrace your confidence and the characteristics that you carry as a woman.  One of these characteristics, personally my strongest trait and by far my favorite, is empathy.  Empathy is the ability to recognize and share people’s feelings and one of the most important tools in a leaders tool box. In Simon Sineks latest best selling book, he states, “the lesson I’m learning is that I’m useless by myself.  My success hinges entirely on the people I work with, people who enlist themselves to join me in my vision.”  Know your people, show them you care, and in the end, your people will take care of you regardless of gender.

Lastly, I would ask you contribute to the cycle of history.  Make our military a better place for all.  Understand that success and ideas are placed in your heart for a reason.  It is up to you to take a plan, put it into action, and be willing to stand behind it whether it succeed or fails.  Ultimately, if your passion furthered a program, you succeeded regardless.  Women are going to continually grow in our armed forces and acquire higher positions.  With these acquisitions of positions, the direction of our Armed Forces will change with broader understandings and innovative changes.  Areas of focus will further you, and your capabilities in the military.  For example when I joined the Air Force, GI Jane was once just a movie, but in my short time, women are now entering piloted programs to serve in active combat roles. 

I’ll conclude with this,a new personal legacy of mine that I will share with each of my female Airmen.

This is the story of a Rose in No Man’s Land.  It goes:

I've seen some beautiful flowers,

Grow in life's garden fair,

I've spent some wonderful hours,

Lost in their fragrance rare;

But I have found another,

Wondrous beyond compare.

There's a rose that grows on "No Man's Land"

And it's wonderful to see,

Tho' its spray'd with tears, it will live for years,

In my garden of memory.

It's the one red rose the soldier knows,

It's the work of the Master's hand;

Mid the War's great curse, Stands the Red Cross Nurse,

She's the rose of "No Man's Land".

Out of the heavenly splendour,

Down to the trail of woe,

God in his mercy has sent her,

Cheering the world below;

We call her "Rose of Heaven",

We've learned to love her so.

While the story of a Rose in No Man’s Land once stood for our Red Cross nurses who supported men in combat, I say we broaden this mindset to all women in the Armed Forces now.  Because, while just a flower, a rose withstands life in some of the harshest environments, yet stands strong with beauty throughout all seasons.  Congratulations! You are now the roses of no man’s land.  Let’s leave a legacy and continue to stand strong and stand tall!

Fan the Flames of a Cold Heart

Loving someone with a cold heart is hard to do.  When you are with them, you get slight glimpses of their soul, and within days you can feel the tension that encompasses their aura.  You put time and effort into chiseling the beautifully crafted ice sculpture, however, it seems your attempts to put a dent in their icy surroundings goes unnoticed and are even more are unwelcomed.   

Cold hearts are nature’s way of protecting the fire that burns within.  Its like a volcano that steams below the earth, peaked and protected by a thick core mountain top draped in soft snow.  The layers of protection to keep the fire burning within are endless, and the last thing anyone wants to do is unleash that passion without being prepared to be engulfed with hot lava.

Cold hearts are afraid.  This is because they were once warm, even hot.  Believing and trusting the intentions of everyone they ever met.  They believe do unto others as you want done to you.  It brings them joy to make another person smile.  It’s almost as if they walk a romantic life everyday, just without the romance.  Whether, friend, lover, or foe, a cold heart will always consider your feelings and attempt to accept your pain, because only a cold heart knows what it feels like to be lied to, hurt, and broken. 

Cold hearts are beautiful and possibly one of the most amazing things another can experience.   They distant themselves from painful feelings because they don’t want to feel.  Not in an “I don’t want to feel at all sense”, but more of an “I am currently at my pain threshold, and I need you to understand that”.   Hurt hurts, and doing it alone is even harder.  If you are not alone at this moment, you will never understand that.  Don’t question a cold heart.  Ultimately, a cold heart was once just something that loved to hard.

So when you meet this cold heart, love them harder. Fan the flames and show them that love and honesty are achievable.  The heart is like snow, beautiful but cold, and sometimes, some people are worth melting for.  Love it anyway!

*WARNING...The Mishaps of Selective Hearing

At what point in our lives do we choose to hear only what we want to hear and not the actual words coming out of someone’s mouth?  So there I am sitting with a “romantic male” friend of mine.   We are having a great time, and he looks at me and says, “You are the most amazing woman I have ever met, and you have all the qualities I hope to find in a woman”…So sweet right?  Well that is not what I heard at all.  What Turaeza heard was, “You are so amazing, however, you are not the woman I want”.  Instead of hearing the words at face value, my insecurities and being a realist knows that is exactly what he meant in my head.  Because at this point, if I chose to dive in and tell him what I would want, then that would mean I would have to allow myself to be vulnerable and to hear him say, I really don't think it would work.  

Do you ever ask yourself why you are not the one?  I do constantly.  Why am I the one who someone won't choose long distance with?  Why am I the one who someone won't settle down for?  And the weirdest thing, is how do all these guys who I couldn't seem to make love me enough, still hold me so deep in their heads and hearts... And that they continue to tell me they would marry me, love me, etc… It really makes no sense to me.  Its like I have become a mirage to many men around the world.  I'm not real.  However, at some point, I have been very real in their lives.  Real enough for one reason or another a decision had to be made on what we were or what we were going to do, and I wasn't their choice.

I could pin it down to a few things.  First off being timing or location.  Maybe they are at a different point in their lives when you meet.  Or maybe I intimidate them.  Maybe knowing what I want and being so strong and having everything I need means they feel they can’t give me more.  Challenged by this I’ve even downplayed my ability to take care of things in the recent years.  “Oh I don’t change a tire”  “Can you help me hang this on the wall” I can't figure this electronic out” All things I could easily figure out on my own, however the conscious decision to make it appear I need them seems to have become part of my game.  Like maybe my independence drives them away and if I were a bit more needy, maybe I would be the one they choose.

These men have given me some great memories and showed me what I want as well.  Each one had a different characteristic about them that really appealed to me.  I’ve danced in the moonlight, eaten breakfast in bed, ran along the ocean and looked for shells like a child.  One man gave me the best Mother’s day of my life because my children weren't with me to celebrate.  And when I cried in his arms that night because I didn't even get to talk to them, he hugged me and we looked out at the ocean. I've giggled and kissed at a fair, while people walked by talking about how cute we were.  And I’ve laid by their side at night with my hand on their hearts believing that maybe this one…maybe this one choose me over life’s harsh realities.

Now in my perfect brain, I know there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with me.  I know that with each person that hasn't worked is God telling me they aren't the right one. And I know I will find a man one day who will give me the world…but in this blog…I'm not reaching for a solution to share…. I am genuinely bewildered how you can be so amazing and yet not good enough at the same time.  This has to be life’s most challenging riddles.  And since I will never know, the only thing I can do is keep trying.  Because one day, one day I'm going to meet a man will tell me I am the most Amazing woman he has ever met, and I have all the qualities he wants in a woman.  And that’s exactly what I will hear….