At what point in our lives do we choose to hear only what we
want to hear and not the actual words coming out of someone’s mouth? So there I am sitting with a “romantic male”
friend of mine. We are having a great
time, and he looks at me and says, “You are the most amazing woman I have ever
met, and you have all the qualities I hope to find in a woman”…So sweet
right? Well that is not what I heard at
all. What Turaeza heard was, “You are so
amazing, however, you are not the woman I want”. Instead of hearing the words at face value,
my insecurities and being a realist knows that is exactly what he meant in my head. Because at this point, if I chose to dive in
and tell him what I would want, then that would mean I would have to allow
myself to be vulnerable and to hear him say, I really don't think it would
work.
Do you ever ask yourself why you are not the one? I do constantly. Why am I the one who someone won't choose long
distance with? Why am I the one who
someone won't settle down for? And the
weirdest thing, is how do all these guys who I couldn't seem to make love me
enough, still hold me so deep in their heads and hearts... And that they continue to tell me they would marry me, love me, etc…
It really makes no sense to me. Its like
I have become a mirage to many men around the world. I'm not real.
However, at some point, I have been very real in their lives. Real enough for one reason or another a
decision had to be made on what we were or what we were going to do, and I
wasn't their choice.
I could pin it down to a few things. First off being timing or location. Maybe they are at a different point in their
lives when you meet. Or maybe I
intimidate them. Maybe knowing what I
want and being so strong and having everything I need means they feel they
can’t give me more. Challenged by this I’ve
even downplayed my ability to take care of things in the recent years. “Oh I don’t change a tire” “Can you help me hang this on the wall” I
can't figure this electronic out” All things I could easily figure out on my
own, however the conscious decision to make it appear I need them seems to have
become part of my game. Like maybe my
independence drives them away and if I were a bit more needy, maybe I would be
the one they choose.
These men have given me some great memories and showed me
what I want as well. Each one had a
different characteristic about them that really appealed to me. I’ve danced in the moonlight, eaten breakfast
in bed, ran along the ocean and looked for shells like a child. One man gave me the best Mother’s day of my
life because my children weren't with me to celebrate. And when I cried in his arms that night
because I didn't even get to talk to them, he hugged me and we looked out at
the ocean. I've giggled and kissed at a fair, while people walked by talking
about how cute we were. And I’ve laid by
their side at night with my hand on their hearts believing that maybe this one…maybe
this one choose me over life’s harsh realities.
Now in my perfect brain, I know there is ABSOLUTELY nothing
wrong with me. I know that with each
person that hasn't worked is God telling me they aren't the right one. And I
know I will find a man one day who will give me the world…but in this blog…I'm
not reaching for a solution to share…. I am genuinely bewildered how you can be
so amazing and yet not good enough at the same time. This has to be life’s most challenging
riddles. And since I will never know, the
only thing I can do is keep trying.
Because one day, one day I'm going to meet a man will tell me I am the
most Amazing woman he has ever met, and I have all the qualities he wants in a
woman. And that’s exactly what I will
hear….
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