Learning to Walk Sets you FREE! Now its's Time to DANCE!!!

Life after you, and you, and you....

Taking back your heart and what you’re willing to give to the world is the most rewarding feeling I have ever encountered in my life.  I don’t see any of my experiences as failures, but I feel that they were put in front of me to take bits of lessons and apply them to where I am now.  I’ve made a few mistakes over the last 2 years since my divorce.  Some personal and some professional, but “Hey”…isn’t that expected when we are learning.  We don’t tell our children they will never walk, or carry them throughout their lives when they take those first steps.  No!  They fall down, and we gently pick them back up and tell them to do it again.  This is what I have done, and what I urge anyone who is feeling overwhelmed or any sense of failure in your life.  We learn a lot in the Air Force.  One thing that is ingrained in our minds are the four components of wellness.  They are Spiritual, Emotional, Physical, and Social.  When we are at one with these four areas, our soul is sound.  And there will be times when one area is completely F@$#d up, and that’s when you know, it’s time to take your life back.  Let’s discuss…..

Spiritual-I have many friends who are very spiritual and others that are not.  I don’t believe this focuses on the bible nor any other lord you may worship.  What I think spiritual wellness refers to, is knowing exactly what you want and who you are.  Not being afraid to take a chance, even if it’s the scariest thing you have done your whole life.  Because in the end, you never fail.  You would never know if you succeeded unless you tried, and in my opinion, trying is NEVER failing.  Like I said earlier, we never think a toddler fails when he falls learning to walk, so why are we so hard on ourselves.  The bottom line measure here, is loving yourself first.  When you find love in yourself, you will experience something unconditional.  You know longer linger for a text, fret when you don’t hear from someone, or doubt yourself.  Because you love you.  And if they love you, they’ll come around, and if they don’t , thank the God you do or don t believe in that they have allowed you to move on.

Emotional-…….hmmmm….do I go at a woman’s approach here or a man’s.  I recently asked a question to my men out there how they feel about women.  Is sex like going to gym? Do they have to be attracted to a woman to sleep with her? And how do we know if a man ever really even liked us and simply wasn’t just using us for sex.  We women are some emotional freaks.  It boils down to cave man times, while during sex a serotonin is released from our brain that attaches us to the man we are sleeping with.  Well WOMEN, if you want to act like a man, think like one, THEN START ACTING LIKE A LADY.  Case in point, we WILL NEVER  be men.  We will never get what we want, by allowing someone to use us. Realize WE run the game.  We decide if we want you or not.  If they don’t put in the effort, well they didn’t want you bad enough.  I would rather lose someone thru texting because I didn’t give it up, then give it up, develop feelings, and linger for their responses.  Once you find this, you don’t care who texts you anymore.  You are so self-confident in who you are and what you can give to someone, that you wake up everyday, and text yourself Good Morning Beautiful!  I kid….But seriously, God it feels good.  My last point here, is quit tearing yourself apart about what was wrong with you.  A great quality of mine, is I am friends with almost every guy I have semi-dated or really dated in the past two years.  Well that’s if I want to be.  And the bottomline, while most of them are the ones who pulled away first, I have learned that it was never about me.  It was them, where they were at in their lives.  And this is confirmation to me, because I never reach back to an ex. EVER….I’m stubborn that way, but I’m also very grateful, they came back into mine to teach and reaffirm any doubts I had when I was weak.

Physical-We all struggle on the physical side.  We never feel were enough, and we are the most judgmental of ourselves.  INCLUDING ME!!! Here’s honesty… I weighed in yesterday at 135 lbs. EEEEKKKKK!  Now I know I have a lot of friends who would love to weigh 135 pounds, but for me, I am DYING.  I embrace my curves, my butt is def getting bigger, which I LOVE lol…but I really love being 125 lbs.  I don’t know it is about that number, but I feel my best at it.  So it doesn’t matter what shape magazine wants you to be, what your partner wants, what your personal trainer wants, because in the end, if you don’t want it…ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!  You will motivate yourself.  And ask a friend.  Many people probably admire everything about you.  They love your shape, they love your curves, and many men or women lol…think you are attractive.  Recent story…I’m feeling like shit, 10 lbs heavier than normal, but still looking good ;-)…met a couple a girls at class, who have become good friends of mine in the last few weeks, and they come up to me the first time we met, and was like “I want your body”…Now while I’m over here, tearing myself apart…I’m motivating others to do well for themselves.  So take a second look sometimes.  While I love my jeans…and my besties KNOW I love ‘em tight! If I want it bad enough, I’ll lose it, and if I don’t, well I still know I’m a motivator for others.

Social-I LOVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! I love the extroverts, I love the introverts, I love the controllers, and I love the followers.  We make up a pretty interesting world.  And without a few of each one, chaos would break OUT!!!  Can you imagine everyone in your social group being introverted or controlling.  Man, I think we would either die of silence or fight for power.  The dynamics of friendship are amazing.  And having a few good friends is much better than having a lot of peeps.  Think of friends like a relationship.  If you are giving more and they don’t give anything, then it’s time to move on.  We’ve all had the good and the bad, all I’m saying is with age, the less are more sturdy and you know you can depend on them.  I would just say….there is always someone who needs you.  Don’t be judgmental.  Never is anyone too good for someone else.  There are times, that we just need someone to listen to us.  Keep that in mind next time you are too busy to talk to someone you know or even your child.

So since I am asking you to be vulnerable in a sense, I will be vulnerable too.  Coco Channel wraps me up in a nutshell, and any man you ask about me will say exactly what is below, and in the end…I’m still learning to walk….

“It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. It would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong. And if he’s stronger than I, I’m the one who can’t live with him.   I’m neither smart nor stupid, but I don’t think I’m a run-of-the-mill person. I’ve been in business without being a businesswoman; I’ve loved without being a woman made only for love. The two men I’ve loved, I think, will remember me, on earth or in heaven, because men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. I’ve done my best, in regard to people and to life, without precepts, but with a taste for justice.”
― Coco Chanel

 

SOMETIMES LOSING YOUR BALANCE FOR LOVE IS PART OF BALANCING YOUR LIFE

I haven’t blogged much lately, and can’t really explain why except I think it is easier to feel emotions and talk yourself thru them when you are really going thru some drama in your life.  I have definitely experienced some drama this year and in saying that, I think I have finally come to a point in my life that none of it makes sense, nor am I enticed to entertain it anymore.  Particular addictions (who were mostly men) have now vanished, and the only person that truly matters to me anymore is….well me.  I love the feeling.  It’s numbing yet, at the same time I have never felt so full in my life.  While I can’t say I am completely alone, as I have found someone I really do like to fill my time while I am still in America, well the sensation really isn’t there. He is handsome, successful, amazing body, funny, sweet, well shit everything I have been looking for in someone, but for some reason I am okay that I know it is not the right time.  I don’t crave him, I don’t text him, I simply wait for him to chase me. It really is a bit easier.  And well if we don’t talk, well I guess were not going to talk until he approaches me.  I just don’t have time for it anymore.  When I am with him, I leave him with good spirits, enticing conversation, and memories he can crave for more.  That is good enough for me at this point.  While cruising on Facebook today, an old flame of mine posted something that made me think.  He said that SOMETIMES LOSING YOUR BALANCE FOR LOVE IS PART OF BALANCING YOUR LIFE…Wow…You all don’t understand how that hit me.  You see this recently happened to me.  I completely threw my life upside down for love.  I ultimately risked my career.  Everything I had built over 15 years.  My reputation, my potential, my heart. And when some of my best friends asked me WHY WHY WHY would you do this, I couldn’t answer.  Its that spark you know.  The ping in your stomach when that certain person touches you. The electrical sensation you feel when you kiss. Or the connection you felt when you made love. It’s something…well its something that is irreplaceable.  You see I knew I really loved this man, because in the end, there is no way I can be friends with him.  I don’t want to talk to him; I don’t want to think of him, I just need to move on in my life.  And I know that there is really no deal breaking or straw that broke the camel’s back that put me at this point, it’s just I really did love him with all my heart.  So did I lose my balance for love?  Yes I really did.  It’s been a long and hard journey, but ultimately, all of the lessons I have gained from it has made me who and placed me where I am today. I am an incredible woman, found my motivation to finish my Master's degree.  Potentially may get selected for a position I would love to have in Germany, and lastly, well I finally realize the only opinion that truly matters is my own. He was a friend to me, a close friend, and him as many others pointed out that I love to fast and hard.  I see that now.  I also see it is not a bad thing, but it’s about finding the balance of loving yourself first and it being enough.  Once you find that balance you then can truly love someone else.  This is when your life begins. This is what life is about. I always say...Live your life, dont let it live you. 

All is Fair in Love and Addiction? What say You...

It has been said men are from Mars and women are from Venus…If this is the case, how the heck we all ended up on earth with no manual on how to properly interact with each other is beyond me.  Instead, we go thru lesson after lesson trying to grasp what is right and what is wrong in our current situation. 

Unfortunately, the way we learn love is the love we will exuberate later in our own lives.  It is the environment we grew up in, and ultimately, what we know to be true in our hearts.  When I use the word addictive, the spectrum is so much grander; it’s almost simplistic to just focus on this one feature.  An individual can be addicted to many things and may have been exposed to more than the basics a person from a so called normal upbringing would list.  For example, the first thing we think of in regards to addiction is alcohol or drugs. But many individuals are addicted too so much more.  This could be love; fear of loneliness, sex, emotional abuse, etc…The list goes on and on.  The thing a child who is exposed to these terms must realize is no matter your upbringing, you must take charge of your own life and decide how you will raise your family.  Will you repeat your pattern? Ultimately, in reality it is all up to you.

I have noticed my own form of addictive relationships I have gotten myself into.  First and foremost, I often see the potential in what I think someone could be.  I often fall in love with that potential and don’t take what I am seeing directly in front of me.  It’s almost as if I have on horse blinders over my eyes, and I look forward in their future.  This allows me to forgive the present state and stay in love with the potential of the person.  Often, when it doesn’t work out I would ask myself, what did I do wrong, why wasn’t it me? Well the other day I realized it really never had anything to do with me in the first place.  In actuality we were the most realistic part of this persons’ life.  This is why this person, couldn’t give you everything, but refused to let you go....Until they sank deeper in their make believe world, or you decided not to be their scapegoat any longer, are either one of you able to move on in your lives. 

Human beings are guarded individuals and we normally only share our innermost thoughts with a few people in our lives.  Overtime we are able to share our secrets, addictions, and our true self because we know the other person with whom we share it with will accept it.  The person who is addicted turns to you because you let them be themselves, don’t judge and continue to love them unconditionally.  Unfortunately, in reality, you have allowed yourself to love this person the only way you know how to love, because you have accepted them for who they truly are, and its possible you are addicted to thier behavior.  The difference for you and them is the reason they are addicted in the first place is because they can’t handle their reality at this present moment in time.  This is why they haven’t given themselves to you fully.  Thus, they create a fake world per say in which they can spiral downwards into their addiction and not face what truly is eating them alive every single day.  In this fake world, they keep these secrets to themselves, and the individuals they do allow in it do not know their trials and tribulations.  However, living unrealistic, well…is unrealistic, and that is why they haven’t completely let you go.  This is why you, the closest reality they know.....You will come and go, you will be the person who is merely being used for their gratification at times when they need it.  Since reality is something they subdue, you need to evaluate the situation and evaluate your worth in this relationship.

Once upon a time, I had a man who I called my best friend.  He was an alcoholic. In the end he is neither my best friend, nor my friend anymore.  I am not suggesting you cut every single person out of your life that doesn’t give you what you want or desire.  But love is love, and if you feel more distress in a relationship then feeling blessed, then this person is not right for you.  You are not the magic drug. In the end of you analyzing their addiction, maybe its time we turn the focus back on ourselves.  Maybe they have a problem, but if you were weak enough to deal with it, then maybe you are addicted to their behavior or style of love.  It has made me evaluate what I may be addicted to in terms of behavior or even love.  Sometimes jumping from one addiction to another is just a form for us not to feel our real feelings.  It’s time to move on my loves.  It’s just a chapter in the past, do not close the book, just turn the page and re-write your own ending.

 

Chickens Lay…People Lie…Don't be a bathroom break.

 

Many times not seeing something is easier to accept than facing it with your own eyes. To feel the disrespect while you are with someone you love is harder to handle then finding out thru a second source with your own eyes.  At a time in my life that I hold the term of Love at a high value, and I still have allowed myself to fall for one or two people…well I wont lie, I have fallen in love with two people in the past two years.  I would say that’s not too shabby.  I can’t explain why or how it happened, yet it did. I don’t know why I did. From the beginning I knew in the end I might hurt, yet I still chose to follow my heart.  This is something I have always struggled with. Loving someone so much it ends up hurting me.  The weird thing is I always leave an impression.  Too many times becoming the unknown to someone else.  Some will see your kindness as a weakness and use it against you and well sometimes there are people who genuinely laid out a road map for you to follow, and you chose not to stay on course.  I don't believe there is a mapquest set up for falling in love.  We take this road unknown because ultimately you love the travels.




At some point though, you might hit a dead end.  This can be shocking to the person, or maybe you saw it coming. Either way I believe that you must remember the joy of the memories shared and simply flip a u-turn.  Experience is what will make you a focused and more self aware person.  These circumstances will give you the strength you will need the next time you hit a road block.  I was told recently that (A) I put up with too much and (B) Am the most unexplainable woman...These two comments caught me off guard a bit.  I tried to take this conversation with a grain assault because I know that individuals can handle pain in 2 ways...talk about it and move on, or be the mean one because shifting blame or leaving something negatively is much easier for the person to move on in their life.  I am the first one for sure.  I simply do not enjoy drama, and would like to simply discuss the matter and move on in my life.  When this happens to you, just try to be the first one.  No one wants to remember you as an "Asshole".  Now...I am not perfect, very very very far from it.  I recently did a very mean thing to someone I love.  Was it this persons' fault, yes. Did they deserve it? Yes..However, I would much rather have been the one who didn't have to be the Asshole.  It doesn't feel good and you end up hurting more than one person. And I tell you it gets worse, but that is not a story for this blog, however, I am glad I stood up for myself. Just dont like the pain it caused.

However, being the Asshole sometimes is required for someone to fully grasp hold of their self respect and what they would settle for.  I on one hand try to be honest and respectful, but once upon a time I was put into a situation of distrust and that sent me into a frenzy.  I went thru someones phone...oooooh bad idea.  Why is it we just don't follow our gut?  When you feel something is occurring, more than likely it is.  Cell phones have become a cancer to relationships in today’s world.  They create an atmosphere of curiosity and distrust.  We have created an environment of instant gratification.  No longer are the days of love letters, or earning someone’s love.  Oh no…it’s much easier now.  At this point in our life, we can simply send a simple excuse during a bathroom break and pictures throughout the day to portray this person on another line is the only thought of our day.  Unfortunately for them, they don’t see the picture of this person holding another person’s hand throughout the day, or whispering I love you in their ear.  Why have we become this way?  Too feel we can balance so many lives of happiness, which all surround our own ways of living.  It really is such a selfish way to look at things. Over the past year, I have seen this way too many times.  Individuals diving into your persona and expressing that they love you or someone else, while all at the same time, they have someone else’s happiness who is balancing in the distance. It is really a depressing circumstance.  And I would be lying if I said I have not done it myself in the past. However, at this point, I have realized loved and relationships are harder to plan than a well thought out circus show.

Well on my quest of passing Go and collecting $200 for my future game of monopoly life, I think that we as People really have to stop looking for the negative to push us out of a situation.  We were given the gift of feeling what is going on.  Things in life do not have to end negative all the time, and we should be grateful for what we have endured.  I shared this on my facebook today and I hope what you read next will leave lasting affects on your choices of life.  Be grateful, for I am.  I love and have felt love during my life. Those memories will never fade.

"Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be – a roommate, a neighbor, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a complete stranger – but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment... they will affect your life in some profound way. Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are sometimes the most important ones. If someone loves you, give love back to them in whatever way you can, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart. Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and listen to what they have to say. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make anything you wish of your life. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. And if you love someone tell them, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store. Learn a lesson in life each day that you live! Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday. Was it worth it?" (Author Unknown)

 

And my last pieces of advice...Forgiveness will always set you free, because love me or hate me, I will always be in your heart or your mind, and Never..Never be someones bathroom break.

 

 

Fairytales boil down to timing and love

Last night I attended a wedding of a friend’s friend. I had no intention going to a wedding, and diffidently was not dressed for this type of event. Wearing yoga pants, chucks, and a trademark scarf I decided what the hell, it might be fun.  When I walked in, the DJ was playing Disney instrumentals, and my friend explained that groom had proposed at Disneyland when the fireworks exploded.  Having been to Disneyland I imagined what a memorable night that must have been for these two.  The groom was an average looking man, and the bride was a petite beautiful woman.  She recently had tried out to be a raiderette for the Oakland raiders sometime last year.  In less than 10 months, her world had turned around.  I was told that sometime this last year, the bride and a lot of her friends had gone out.  She had a crush on a co-worker and he would not pay her any attention.  But shortly after she had met her soon to be husband.  The couple hit it off, and now tonight they were sealing their fate with her finalizing her vows stating you are my lover, my best friend, my soul mate. Seeing how pretty she was I thought, what the hell was wrong with the guy who blew her off?  I just was amazed. Having been married myself, nothing scares me more than the idea of getting married again, and when asked by people if I would get married again, I often say no, but sitting in this wedding made me yearn for that feeling again with someone.

As I watched this woman who looked so beautiful walk down the aisle to her enamored husband, I thought to myself, wow this was a quick relationship.  In my past, I have talked to people for more than a year and nothing arose out of it, and here they are getting married and getting ready to spend the rest of their lives together after a short  10 months.  And let’s say the person you love isn’t close to you.  Well I have met couples who have had long distant relationships going strong after 4 years. What this unfolded to me is that it’s not the circumstance you are in, it simply is the person.  I have always heard one person will always love the other more than one.  But I think when you meet that special person; there is nothing that slows down the process of love. Why would you settle for a love you have to chase, when you could have a love that wants you more and more each day.

One thing I have worked on in the past 2 years of singleism is being patient.  I no longer fret if I don’t hear from someone, as I know if it was truly the time, I would not be waiting, they would be pursuing me. In this holiday season, I think it is important to really look at what matters to you.  There are a lot of us singles out there and really because you haven’t met the one doesn’t mean they are not out there, you simply aren’t ready to pursue something that you really are not ready for. We all want to be loved, feel loved, and have that physical connection with someone; it’s what drives us out of the arms of someone we truly want to be with and into the arms of someone else at times.  If we are not finding what we are looking for in one person, we look elsewhere. This could be because of personality differences, different places in life or simply distance. The important thing to remember is you are not alone. Many of us are still looking for that special person to share our lives with.  All the in-between is just life’s lessons. 

I am thankful for my lessons I have had thus far. I am a better person for them personally and professionally. And after seeing such a beautiful event full of love I can’t wait to share that with someone one day. Until then, I am going to be thankful for all I have right now. My life, my children, and my career. Those are not going anywhere, and they are what I make of it.  I will continue to keep my standards high and leave those behind that leave no benefit to my life. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you’s and yours..

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH...stop the dryer!

My dryer is tumbling and tumbling.  Strength I find, stand tall, and start to move forward comes and goes many times in my life.  I don’t know why I go back or why I feel the need to feel the pain, but something I have learned is it is something that I dealt with when I was very young. It was an unemotional love I grew up with and I never felt secure in my environment. Often I was left to care for myself or my siblings, making me the instant caretaker and has led to my nurturing nature.  Now I know there is nothing wrong with being a nurturer, I think it is important to step back and not exhaust your traits on love on someone who does not want it.  What I mean by does not want it, is they choose to use it to their advantage.  Sometimes by being strong and helpful to others we protect ourselves from the panic that comes at another person’s mercy. We then tend to be with people whom we can help in order to feel safe and in control. Tonight while listening to some music, tears came to my eyes, this has happened in the last two weeks a few times.  It’s that feeling of having no control over a situation.  I quickly swallowed my pain and decided it was not time for this.  I went on about my night, and while driving alone, I was left thinking why is it I am feeling this same pain again.  If you felt it once, why would you do it again?  It hurts the same every time Turaeza. And then it dawned on me, well Turaeza because you allow it.  You allow yourself to repeat this cycle. I am ultimately making that choice.  In the end, no one is doing anything to me that I do not allow.

Why do we go thru these ordeals? Well I think it is human nature to believe someone will change.  They will ultimately be or form into who you want them to be.  For example, while in a nonchalant relationship, I use this term loosely, as there is a great love there in my heart, I tell myself, it is okay for them to do what they want.  Why would I want to control what they are doing? The Old Catholic saying, whatever happens happens as long as I don’t know.  It’s so not ideal…I absolutely know what is going on. I am personally choosing to allow someone to not show me the respect I deserve or need in someone who truly loves me.  I know this.  I guess when you grow up without a loving environment it is where you feel comfortable. It is all I know; therefore tending to settle for it. But the steps I have made, and if you are in this situation you will make yourself is that you are aware of this, and with time, will eventually demand the respect or move on in your life. You see I and we deserve something more than the worst thing we can stand.  While sitting in my car, I began to tear myself apart, what is it I don’t have, is it because I have children, am I not pretty enough, young enough, used and abused…then I quickly realized what the F%$# am I doing. I am all of those things and more. My children are my life, so anyone who can’t handle that can simply step on, I am damn well beautiful enough, that is obvious by attention, I am still young by age in numbers and especially in looks. And there is nothing used or abused about a woman who almost has her Master’s degree, made E8 in 14 years, and is a great leader and friend to many people. The traits GOD gave me not everyone will have. I am so thankful, and I will never doubt those traits, especially for a man.

A great excerpt from a book I am reading goes along and says, There is an old joke about a nearsighted man who lost his keys late at night and is looking for them by the light of a street lamp.  Another person comes along and offers to help him but asks, “Are you sure this where you lost them?” “No, answers the man, but this is where the light is”.  When we are searching for what we are missing in life, not where there was some hope of finding it, but where, because sometimes it is much easier not to look. Even my subconscious sees my constant recycling of pain. I had a dream the other night, and while falling in my dream, I felt like I couldn’t control my fall. I just kept tumbling and tumbling on the ground. Falling deeper and deeper into a flat floor.  The floor is my foundation.  The foundation is there, but the fact that I was falling tells me it is my choice I am making and not anything I am doing wrong.  I see the choice, I know the pain, yet I still continue to allow myself to feel it.

Well honestly, I am not enjoying it anymore.  I have moved on from a lot of pain in my life recently that affected my livelihood, friends, and life.  I am stronger, smarter, and ready for battle.  I feel this way with my heart as well.  I am ready for war. I no longer will surrender.  I will no longer love too much. I will find my happiness within myself, and if someone comes along that enhances myself, well, you know what…He will earn a place in my amazing life.  He will in no way be the deciding factor if I am happy or not. Because inside I am already happy. I see it so clearly, it feels amazing not to feel alone with or without someone. Honestly I think it is more lonely when you are with someone and they make you feel alone.  These people have no place in your life. You have to take the life lessons they showed you and simply keep pushing forward.  They say if you let it fly away, and it comes back it was meant to be, well I think that is horseshit. A true man or woman that doesn’t recognize what is in front of them simply doesn’t deserve you. That is case and point. And I simply don’t believe anything less than that.

If the Ship is Sinking, Look for Your Anchor...

Bottom Lines and Deal Breakers

Have you ever considered what it would take for you to realize what is in front of you and how much you are willing to give to a particular person or subject before you slam your fist on the counter and scream, “This is a deal breaker”.  This can go for a lot of things, our careers, friends, and relationships.  I think each of us has deal breakers categorical in each of these arenas and apply them differently to different situations and or involvement.  Many times we shy away from a deal breaker or bottom line because we: 1) Don’t want to hurt the others person’s feelings. 2) Are fearful of the recourse and therefore live a lie. And 3) Simply are so afraid to try something new or start over it’s easier to deal with the present then actually Be Present and live life happily.  I think many could say ultimately we make excuses because we are scared of those 3 reasons.  We simply don’t have it in us to step into the unknown or ultimately are so comfortable with the current state we don’t want to face an obstacle alone.

Personally, I know I have different Deal Breakers and Bottom Lines between my personal and professional life.  It is much easier for me to see a subject as black or white in my professional issues then in my personal.  I am unsure why as both subjects get my heart thru passion.  I excel in both areas and want to succeed.  If that means I take care of one of my Airmen, or if I take care of someone I care about, their needs and wants and fulfilling those are my goals.  There are rules I live by every day in the Air Force that I know I won’t cross and I wouldn’t allow my Airmen to cross as well.  This ensures our mission is complete and we reach the end state we are seeking.  However, in my personal life, I tend to stretch those limits far.  I have deal breakers and bottom lines and see them oh so clearly when giving advice to friends and such, but when it happens to me, I accept the outcome and many times forgive the situation.  At some point though, you have to wake up and see that forgiveness is not key.  When your Airmen arrive late to work the first time, you discuss the issue.  If it happens a few more times, then there is an evident problem that needs to be identified and rectified immediately to correct this behavior.  This could be counseling or in extreme cases documenting the account.  Now, let’s apply this to a friend and or relationship.  There are other factors involved.  We don’t per say have a manual to follow when it comes to general respect. Therefore, I think we evaluate each occurrence as an individual case and choose to talk thru it maturely or ultimately move on.  It is so true that each person comes into our life for a reason, season, or lifetime.  We make that choice.  When you choose that, you have to evaluate your lifetime and decide when that benefit has run out.

The underlying issue here for me at least is fear of being alone.  I know I can be alone. I just so enjoy having that connection with one person.  Knowing I am the reason I put a smile on their face.  And when at the expiration of the relationship, I feel that I have failed in some way or another.  I don’t like to fail! Now professionally, I do the same thing, I have passion and pride in the Air Force because I know I am doing that.  I am taking care of my Airmen and that I am making someone happy.  It’s almost a child-mother relationship.  They can upset you, but you have no choice.  You don’t get to write them off.  You know that mind games are not appropriate and they have to abide by your rules.  However, as individuals, we don’t come with rules.  Who says, in order to be my friend or lover, you have to do this, this, and this.  If you don’t I’m going to write you up, and then you are still forced to be around me.  That sounds more like a marriage.  There is a good thing to this.  This means we get to pick who benefits us and why.  We don’t have to deal with it if we do not want to.  But when we choose not to deal with it, we know, game over, press this button if you want to play again and many of us, including myself are tired of it.  I think the end goal we are all seeking is really just to be happy.  Find friends and loved ones who motivate, listen, and support you. 

Advice I would like to share that I have gotten from a few people I love or have loved, especially when it comes to me and my style is.  Not everyone deserves your love.  Another was there are people out there that actually look for someone who is a giver and feeds on it, until it becomes too much of a game and finds a new person to suck from.  Additionally, go into a situation knowing that one person will always give more than another, or in some cases one person may love harder than the other.  So, if I won’t tolerate a mediocre performance from my Airmen, why would I accept one from someone I share my deepest thoughts and desires to?  If that is not a deal breaker I don’t know what is.

You have to choose people who inspire you to be the best you can be and never judge you.  I have never felt so judged then I have in the past 4 years by people I respect and or love.  Maybe that comes with age, and maybe that comes with personality changes.  We aren’t in our 20’s anymore and we know we make the decision of who we want to be with.  We don’t have time for games because, really, it’s just not worth our time.  We would rather surround ourselves with people who genuinely care about us.  Non-judgment I believe comes with age. It’s about accepting someone for who they are.  And really…if someone judges you, and pulls away, then they weren’t really there for you in the first place.  We are all entitled to our opinions, depending on your closeness voice our concerns, and ultimately decide if we can support this relationship any longer, but in the same token, if you don’t still feel love throughout another person’s transgressions then you need to admit your season is over.

I charge you and myself to find these bottom lines are or deal breakers.  You deserve to receive what you put into something.  If you excel in your duties, study and test well, you will get promoted.  Why would you do those things if you knew there was no chance at advancement?  Apply this theory to your personal life.  If you put in, give love, and support relationships and you know there is no chance for advancement, why would you keep doing it.  A mentor of mine shared a note with me the other day when I was thinking about the issue of forgiveness.  She said…”When you have asked for forgiveness, don’t lament over it.  Whether they give it or not, it is their bag to carry.  You were genuine in making right the wrong, it is not up to them to receive it.  You must not hold onto hurt.  People and relationships come into your lives for a reason, season, or a time.  Unfortunately, they choose.”

I hope you were able to learn something. Live your life and be present. There is great love for you here.