Losing Yourself in Contentment

Have you ever been so content in your life you didn’t even realize you were the reason you weren’t 100% happy? Unhappiness comes in a variety of forms, sometimes starting very early childhood, past traumas, hearts broken over your life, or simply overcoming all of those things to create a wall so tall, you yourself don’t even know how to climb over it or break it. 

Many times most of us are so stuck in our past  we can’t even recognize the pain or where we are stuck. We know something is off, but putting our finger on that one moment is impossible for us to see or to even fix. There is no one who wants to feel lost, it’s just we don’t know where we are to even find our way out. 

Many who are like this are overachievers. We normally are the ones who appear to have everything together, know what we want, and can accomplish all things another can only fathom. 

What I will tell you is all these things are true, but they aren’t for our better self. They are simply distractions. Distractions from not knowing where we are and how to find our way out. We focus on anything other than ourselves. And by self I mean fully accepting that we have failed at one thing, and that one thing is having internal happiness. 

I don’t write this to state many like me are weak or something is wrong with us. For we are not weak, we are the strongest individuals you will ever meet. What we aren’t is perfect. And for the most part what we aren’t is fully accepting of our traumatic lives we’ve endured and we are lost and just need help finding our way home. 

Finding our way home requires love. If that’s in relationships, friendships, and companionships. What it is not is filling voids for a mere moment to make feeling lost not seem as bad as it really is. These voids come in relationships, friendships and companionships. 

For me personally, I have always been one hell of a goal getter! If I put my mind to something or on someone, nothing stops me from getting my goal. However, with heartbreak or pain of losing, as humans we learn to disengage at some point, because accepting we are lost is a lot easier than trying to find our way out. We call these trials. And for a strong person no trial will ever crush us, but it will hurt us. 

We often tend to subdue these losses with outside influences to remind us of what we think finding our way out would really feel like. 

Yet, with each step forward we don’t realize we are only walking blinded and only digging deeper and deeper into the darkness we are trying to escape from. 

So how do you/we escape? How do we find our way out and find the peace we seek. Well I believe, you must first quit doing things that cause you to feel any type of insecurity. If you continue to cater to these false promises of helping you find your way home, you will he lost forever. Second, no one can help you find your way out. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable and accepting you may remain lost or you will listen to the voices that don’t take from you and you will ultimately find your path to freedom. And lastly, you must look at the place you are stuck in and question, am I really lost at all? Or am I simply afraid that in the moment of feeling lost, I will choose to not accept this is the place I am meant to be and make this my new home. 

Ultimately we choose and make our own happiness. The standards of happiness differ for all, so maybe yours or my happiness really isn’t being lost at all, but it may be the path to a new beginning. Maybe....just maybe....this is a second chance to create a new future and ending. Be aware, accept love that is around you, and never forget that no matter how lost you feel, you are in charge of creating a new direction to a new life. There is great love for you out there, it’s up for you to believe in it. 

Dear Lover,

Existence in this life is everything a person can hope to achieve. Subsistence in this world allows our souls to travel and grow.  We are blessed with experiences that add to our existence.  Some of these experiences are places, some are careers chosen, and more than often some of these experiences are people. And at the end of the day, we never know when our existence in any of those areas will expire.  The only thing we are sure of is we went into each experience excited.

Excitement because anything new feels good.  It’s like the smell of fresh rain, a newly mowed lawn, or fresh blooming azaleas on a spring day. Everything just looks, tastes, and smells better.  You crave that excitement, and that’s what drives us to dig deeper into each of these occurrences. It feels all so real at the time you are living it.  You can see the future and the goals you’ll need to get there. And your existence in this world is even more now important because you now have something to lose. A fear that drives the existence and not the person living the experience. This is because many of our experience involve sources outside of our control.

So, at times like this, what do you do to let go of something that never fully existed?  Do you simply start over and pretend that it didn’t happen? However, that is easier said than done when your mind and heart still crave that excitement and feelings you felt as the experienced it.  We all know in time that it will get easier to move on, but sometimes, there are experiences, or in my case people that will be much harder to move on from.

And while I tried all I could to show this person how much I cared, little things came up that made him uncomfortable and brought up a past hurt for him.  I can completely understand that fear.  I’ve been there.  But as a whole hearted woman at this point in my life, I can’t understand why it’s easier to walk away from greatness for the fear that one is going to get hurt, but I've been there for much of my life, running and running. Life is full of pain. Of course you'll get hurt, and of course you'll hurt others.  But this is the very condition of existence.  To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. 

Waiting for the right moment is not growth.  It is putting a wall up to prevent life and growth from occurring.  Ultimately, until you find that person or experience that helps you set things apart from the past, you’ll only continue to live there. I have fallen victim to this mindset many times, and I am no saint when it comes from running away instead of working through those fears. 

Maybe what attracted us both was a broken spirit that lived within us.  We could sense the need to rebuild it to fully experience existed. We were both on this road to rebuilding our spirits, however, I think just at different miles.  We were both tired of the same thing over and over again, and craved that excitement a new experience brings.  And like said above, experiences are life and in life there is joy and pain, but you can’t have one without the other. It’s all about the road to creating a new experience together.  And while I fully believe he will believe what comforts his soul to protect his heart I only can request one thing:

Believe you are whole. Don’t ever think you are broken. You simply have a past that has created healthy boundaries for what you believe is important in your seeking of happiness. 

This healthy space may work for a while, but don’t stay there.  Please don’t live there, because if you do you will continue to look for these so-called fears in every woman you meet. Because we all have a past, and it takes time to create a future together. 

Believe and be open to love.  Because there is a woman out there that wants to love and care for you, I know this because I was this woman. 

I request these things of you because they are the very reason I was stuck for so long.  I was stuck because of fear.  It was always just far enough away for me never to get hurt. Never dive in.  Never share my soul.  I knew that I’d never have to give 100% of my heart because I knew that he never wanted it.  I guess looking back now after healing the last couple years, it was a protective measure, much like you have now.

So, this is why it is very important for you to understand how important it is to learn to take a chance at a new experience for your existence, so it ultimately doesn’t creep in like mine did every time something great is happening to you. Because to become present, means accepting the risk of absence.

I wish you so much happiness in life, because knowing you are happy will make me happy. I am simply thankful for your existence, whether I am meant to be a part of it or not. I thank God, he put you in my path because you were a breath of fresh air of what I really want in a man, so thank you for showing me they are around. Until our next existence, enjoy your experiences.

Love,

Turaeza

Offer Your Hand, Not Your Judgment

Forgive me as I haven’t written in quite awhile.  I guess in my past when I was faced with adversities before, putting it on paper and counseling myself through a blog helped me understand the lesson. And since I continued to repeat the lessons, I already knew the answer and didn’t feel the need to explore it. Over the years I’ve gained strength to not play into these lessons.  While some could claim this a victory, I don’t see it as this. I see it as each lesson has assisted me in building a Dam, to stop the flow of life’s insecurities. Just like the masonry lays each brick, as did I with every experience I had, until a tall strong dam was built, so that no one could get in and hurt me. The flood of past emotions wouldn’t flow or crash thru.  This dam is not something I am happy to have, as I used to be more like the river.  The current could be strong and I would continuously flow through it as I knew down the riverbed the white caps would soften. 

In the recent years I’ve learned to cast my cares to God and know that no matter the strength of the current he will get me through it, and I have no worries to put that dam up towards the higher power when the enemy tries to get me down.  However, with personal interactions with people I still do.  The only thing I can do is trust God put them in my life for a reason for me to learn from.  And I recently learned a lesson from a passing in the last few months I felt like sharing because it still resonates with me.  This lesson was in judgement of others.  Our society is quick to judge someone by the way they look, their crowd, and or their past. I am guilty of this too.  I like to believe I am not superficial, but when it comes down to it, I have judged others.  I am not proud of this assertion and I’ll be perfectly honest, the judgment was purely selfish.  What would others think? Would I be judged too? 

Let me explain, as a people pleaser, I have struggled with this for my entire life.  Putting others opinions before mine or what I want or deserve.  I’ll admit I’ve gained strength in this area of my life, but I do still struggle from time to time.  The concurrence of wanting to please others but wanting what I want clashes at times.  In this clash, I have judged and in the end I was judged as well.  We portray we are so perfect at times, as we have no issues, and when you do struggle or fall, everyone wants you to hide it.  Like its so uncomfortable for them. But then there are some who you feel you can share with without judgement.  You may think you can share because you are close, or you share because you know they have struggled as well so you have a commonality.

In the past I did this. Decided to share some struggles I face that very few friends are aware of. And in this decision to share, I opened myself up to learn about someone, and while I was very interested I chose to let the judgement block me from seeing this person for who they possibly could be.  I didn’t want to give up, but I couldn’t rationalize how our lives would mesh.  The standards I have created for the perfect picture I have in my mind didn’t align. However, when I was with him, I felt calm, warm, and safe.  I felt small, and for a moment I could actually be weak.  But those feelings, my hidden struggles at the time, didn’t outweigh his past.  Over sometime, I learned more about him and started to really let my guard down. While his pursuit was still there, I was dangling by a string.  But I decided I wanted to see him again before I cut the string.  When I saw him, the warmth came back, the smell of him, and I knew I could let go. Let go of what others thought. This was my life and I was willing to make my own decisions.

In this mere moment, I opened up to him about my struggles, bouts of depression, and anxiety.  What I do to subdue feeling helpless.  Often wanting to check out and just be numb sometimes.  And I admitted I was so tired. So overwhelmed.  That I felt like I was in my own box at times not wanting to let anyone in.  Stuck in my head and not knowing who to call to help me out of this dark place. I truly believed he would understand since he had his own struggles in life.  And while I had been persistent it was him who was not ready, I had finally admitted my reason for not being ready for a relationship. Too which he agreed after hearing what I was experiencing that I was not the one ready.  It wasn’t him.  

I guess as the other party, that’s somewhat satisfying knowing that you aren’t the problem, and or what you thought their perfect life they portrayed isn’t real. And while I knew that, I shared who I was so he could help me thru it.  I don’t let my current flow thru my dam to many people. But I did, because I felt like I met someone who would understand. And while Im sure he did, and there are no hard feelings, as an individual he made a choice to not stay.  And unfortunately, the dam is now higher for the next man, because that is my number 1 fear….being abandoned.  Being judged for not being perfect all the time. Being left because you have scars left from your past. And it was then I realized I too had been judged. And it hurts.  I wonder if this is how he feels when people judge him.  If so, I am deeply sorry. 

However, in all this, I am thankful for the lesson.  And don't get me wrong, I know I am amazing, smart, strong, successful, a great mother, Boss, CEO, etc...but I'm still working on a partner sent by God.  So my dam may have gotten a few more bricks added to it, but that’s ok, because I have faith that someone who comes across this dam will treat it like a bridge and lead me across it to the life God has planned for me. Because ultimately if you judge people, you have no time to love them.  There is great love for you here.  Its up to you to believe it. 

The Current is to Beautiful to be Controlled

Getting to a point in life where the big things in life no longer consume you can be exhilarating yet very scary. Not in a sense that you feel actual fear, but more of a general understanding of your circumstances, and the numbness that surrounds them is almost awakening. 

You are able to take a step back and remove yourself from any and most situations. I guess this could be translated as finally accepting that you cannot control life no matter how hard you have tried in the past. 

Accepting this loss of control isn't easy. Of course you will still face your emotions head on, but once you've stepped back and accepted the situation for what it is, you learn that it is supposed to be. 

I could tie this to many examples. For me personally, I could use my Air Force career as one. At one time in my career I thrived on turning the worst situations into award winning programs and this was done at an expense of myself and to my children. However, at this point in my life, I can sit back and calmly say, I've done enough and my trip on this road is simply done. I don't want to celebrate it, and I don't want to bask in the moment, I simply want to move on to my next successful journey. 

A second example would be getting caught up in the hope for Love or believing that one person must be the one. I've learned over the years that's it's possible to always find "a one" if you are always moving and in the grand scheme of things if you never moved there that person would of never been one. But sometimes you trip over a soul mate, and that's when you definitely just have to let time guide you, but in time...a long time, you realize exactly who they are.

But when you don't....it's pointless to get upset when things don't end up as you plan, because life is about timing. But most importantly about making a conscious choice on your time. 

Let's delve into this conscious choice of time a bit...

Think about it, if you were walking down the beach and you saw a golf sized diamond 💎 at the base of your feet, do you think you'd walk by it? I mean seriously.. would you pick up that diamond and think to yourself...hmmm, I just don't think it's the right time for me to find a diamond and sell it and make millions from it and live happily ever after so you toss it into the ocean for someone else to find? Of course not!! 10 out of 10 Individuals would pick up that diamond and feel like they won the lottery. 

It's a bit ironic right? 

How one could easily tie money to their happiness, and make that decision right away but when it comes to love or finding an amazing person, knowing they are the best for you, you can simply step back and say it's not my time for this and toss them back in the ocean? While bewildering I've come to accept at this freedom of loss of control that it's okay to just not be the one. The truth is something was ultimately missing in the connection. If that was a fear, or sexual, or physical, or culturally, or common interests. One puzzle piece just didn't fit and that's life. 

Not being the one does not mean you were not good enough, attractive enough, educated enough...they just knew or you just knew..that throwing a diamond back into the ocean was their decision and you have to respect that and just let it go. Because the next time you wash ashore, there will be someone who treasures what they find. Or sometimes, you will wash ashore again to that same person and they have now learned they'd never take the chance of losing you again, because they know now their love for you is unconditional. You could be a diamond or coal. It doesn't matter because you are invaluable to them. 

But until then...You beautiful diamonds out there, embrace the feeling of losing control and allow yourself to sink to the bottom of the ocean, where it's quiet, and still. And allow the undercurrents to move you thru the bits of sand and closer to the shore again while you enjoy your surroundings, ultimately knowing you are the most beautiful thing at the bottom. For the sun will still find your glow and allow you to always illuminate at the surface for another to possibly find. 

Don’t let “My Type” define you…Let your “My Wants” be your map to happiness

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  How many of us can relate to this?  We all have our demons, habits, or expectations, which we have allowed to drive us in life.  While younger we don’t even realize we are making choices that were groomed from poor childhoods or even entitled environments.  That is what is so beautiful about humans; we are so unique in our own way.  The differences we experience growing up and living life are all so individualistic, you are guaranteed to never find someone exactly like you in life. 

However, these experiences tend to navigate back to our life whether positive or negative.  We constantly repeat the same things over and over again.  This is because we develop a habit for the way the experiences make us feel. For example, lets use the jumping on the fitness wagon.  Some people love the feeling of freshness, therefore, setting a goal and starting a new fitness program fires sensors in their brain.  Creating an exercise plan, diet, etc…breaks up the monotony of life and creates excitement.  However, after a few weeks, the freshness wears off and the joy of the previous goal no longer stimulates the drive for something new.  You all have been extremely supportive over my fitness journey, but I’ll be honest, this is the first time in 10 years, I have actually followed through with competing and I am still not there yet.  However, this time, the freshness didn’t matter because the constant results of hard work motivate me everyday.

Another area I think we do this in is dating.  Something drives us to a type of person we are “sexually” attracted to.  I have had many types lol…From blond/blue eyes, to only islanders, to only Latinos…A running joke with my friends is I wont chase a man, but let him have muscles and tattoos and a Bi$&h might just power walk. I’d say this has been my type for the past couple years.  Dating the same men, “My so called type”, and expecting a different result each time. And when I did date someone who didn’t fit this type, I’d get so caught up in what was my type I never ever gave them a fair shot and ran away before I would hurt them.  I never embraced the good qualities. 

Very recently I met a man I am so very happy to call my friend.  I thoroughly enjoy our conversations and more importantly he makes me laugh.  He communicates about his life freely and really listens to what I say back to him.  For one of the first times in my adult life I actually feel like I am getting to know someone as an adult.  But what really woke me up is when he asked me what my type of man was.  Of course I went back to my rat wheel and stated the main type of man I normally date.  I could feel at that time as I wrote those words, he heard what I said, and protected himself in a sort of way. Any smart man would do that, because one must be careful of what and whom they give too.  But that isn’t what was so eye awakening. 

What really hit me like I got smacked in the head with a frying pan…JESUS Tess its so easy to see, is this…

All these men I have dated over the last couple years may of held my initial interest but really for one reason…They fit the mold of my troubled past. 

What I’ve grown accustomed to. That majorly overrated “Bad Boy” image. 

And when I thought of this new man, my new friend, my heart got warm,

because something woke up in me, and its beautiful. Because what I realized was no matter what comes of this new friendship, he is more “My Want” and holds more of what I desire in someone then any of the men I have dated or even married.

You see I dated one component of an individual in my past, the “My Type”, and tried to build and support the rest into “My Want”. Now lets talk odds for a second.  Let’s say you have 10 “My Wants” in someone.  For example, educated, successful, loving, communicative, etc….and the “My Type” is only one of those…so if you date someone who is only “My Type”…You are dealing with a very poorly stacked deck…Seriously what are your odds?  Maybe 2-3 out 10 qualities that would make you happy.  Which may work for awhile, but at some point the bad is going to outweigh good and you or them are going pull chalks. 

But when you look at someone, and throw the “My Type” to the side and really just focus on their qualities and how they fit the “My Wants”, you quickly realize that your odds of finding happiness are significantly greater…I’d say maybe even a “Perfect 10”.

So thank you new friend for helping me realize that Mr. Right will always be Mr. Wrong if I don’t focus on “My Wants” and not just “My Type”. And possibly...if they meet your desires of what you want in someone, they really were "Your

Type" more than you ever realized.

Fear not your enemy, but the one who said they love you

Fear not your enemy, but the one who said they love you.  As my story tends to go, I opened up my world to someone who over the past five years showed me more pain and sorrow than happiness, and in the end, he confirmed what my friends said he would do for years.  So many times, as I complained about him, they would say, let him go Turaeza, he doesn’t deserve you, and I would agree but something always made me accept his good instead of the bad, and in the end we were like a fire that engulfs itself because it would get to hot.

The more I pulled away over the years, the more he entered into my life.  I tried to escape many times, I dated others, but unfortunately, I had allowed him to become my foundation, and what I would call a my best friend.  It was so easy to do.  He is what I knew. He was my home. He was where I wanted to be. And as hard as I tried to take a new path, my trail always led back to the same place.  A place I knew he would be waiting for me.

For some reason, I thought I was different.  I don’t know why I did.  I thought the act of him never leaving my side was the effort he was able to give at the moment.  While the others (women) came and went, no matter how long they lasted; I was the one he never gave up on.  You see as a little girl whose father died I have a fear of abandonment.  Isn't it so clear that I would hold even tighter onto something that may have hurt at times because at least I knew it would always be there?

I don’t think I will understand my decision throughout all this, or why I thought he was so special.  And I don’t know how I could of let myself believe I was so different when I watched so many hearts get broken over the years. But I’ve always wanted and chosen to see the best in others.  That is a strength and weakness of mine.  And I think that we get to a point in our lives that a circumstance will always appear to show you the true spirit of someone.  The problem is, I think we see it all along, but excuses are often easier to face then letting something go, and having to face the unknown.  Like a blank piece of paper, waiting for you to begin your new story without them in it.   

This lesson was hard.  This lesson will stay with me for my entire life.  This isn’t a story of friendship and love that I lost.  I know I am always writing about relationships or my dating disasters.  This was a lesson of allowing a mediocre friendship/love impersonate what it is like to truly feel something and to experience what the epitome of loss feels like.  This was a lesson of ultimate cowardice.  And finally, this was a lesson of being the easy way out.  You see what I realized when I allowed the anger to subside is he wasn’t always there when I did not or did need him, nor did he never leave me.  In hindsight, he never really was there.  It was I that never left him.  I allowed him to come back when he couldn't face the reality of life.  I was the one who held on.  And I am the one who let go and walked away.  But in this I gained something only my heart knows and will cherish until I die, and I have now accepted it is time to find something not to walk away from. 

So here is to the ones out there who have been hurt.  You are not victims.  You are fighters, warriors, survivors.  Do not allow the actions of one become the bitterness of your future.  Take each punch with a grain assault, feel the pain, cry your eyes out, and get the hell back up and press.  Press for the life you know you deserve.  Ultimately, the only reason you experienced this pain is to help someone else out, recognize the actions so it doesn't occur again, or to truly value the actions of someone who treat you amazing when you find them.  Isn't it always that way. The one's who love the hardest or appreciate life's gifts are the ones who know what pain truly feels like or know what it's like to have nothing at all.  But in this lesson, I choose to smile and find happiness, and I hope you can too.